Post # 47
You are far from wrong.
Stand your ground. The no spouce thing is simply insane, to even imagine….I dont buy it one bit.
You are married now and should represent yourselves that way. He is not doing this even if that is works way of having outings. He is not obligated to attend if it is outside of work and shouldnt if it is without you, especially if it even bothers you the slightest. It. is. WRONG. dOES
Maybe marriage couselling would help. He needs to understand that he is married now.
Post # 48
You being sad and upset about this is not an acceptable situation and something needs to change in order to fix it.
But. The hard line approach some of the posters seem to advocate translates as: “You have to spend time with me, even if you don’t want to, I get to demand it of you.” To me, if I was your Fiance I’d be tempted to say something super mean like “If you made time with you enjoyable I’d want to spend more of it.” He married you so of course he loves you and likes you and wants to spend time with you – I think you need to focus on that but keep in mind that you can’t force someone to want to be with you. That’s what you really want – not that his physical body is where you are but that he wants to spend time with you. I don’t think you can get that by saying “you married me so you gave up the right to decide where to spend your free time, i’m putting my foot down.”
Post # 49
Arachna, you are right, you can’t force someone to want to spend time with you. And no matter what approach one takes, hard line or not, won’t work unless DH wants to spend time together. The premise of married life, at least as newlyweds, (obviously things change over 10 years just a little bit), is that you want to spend time together. If that want isn’t there very much, then that’s not so great and sadly, it makes it questionable whether the spouse truly wants to spend time together.
DH has said in the past that I have the wrong idea about the beginning of marriage and that we have 20+ years to spend time together, so there’s no point in fussing about the first months. I’m not sure that I agree…
Post # 50
Also fellow bees, thanks again for further support. You made me feel better about my own feelings and gave me some really helpful input 🙂
Post # 51
If anyone is still reading this, I have an update – he actually went shopping for that baby shower, twice! (This is a rant, b/c I’m livid!). Once at lunch with the gang from work and then again after his workout, b/c the thing he got at lunch, his buddy from work wants to give. AND(!) he spent over $60 on the thing without asking me! And I don’t even know this mother-to-be very well, I’ve seen her like 4-5 times. Just because everyone else was spending that much. I’m sorry, who do you consult spending money on colleagues with, your wife??? or your colleagues??. And this is after I frequently voiced my displeasure. I’ve never heard of a husband doing this. Funny pattern though, two guys at his work separated from their wives this summer, b/c they’ve been partying too much alone, and these are guys with kids. Can you see a problem here???
Post # 52
Wow, sounds like he’s ok with following the crowd.
Honestly, he’s not going to listen to you if you keep getting mad, though… I feel like he’s just going to get mad right back at you. What if you tried doing your own thing, spending time away from him and going out on “girls nights” and such just to see how he reacts?
If it bothers him (and you getting all dressed up and not inviting him theoretically would, if you were doing it twice a week or so) then he gets a taste of his own medicine and probably will be more willing to talk it out.
Post # 53
I think he needs a reality check, stat. His assumption that you have years and years to spend time together is a risky one (either because one of you voluntary leaves or tragedy strikes). I’m incredulous that his coworkers spend SO MUCH time together that they’re sacrificing their marriages. What is it, a cult? No job is that awesome.
I think he’s unhappy being married. You have every right to be angry, and he is not going to change until he recognizes that he is not acting like a husband. You are definitely not “making things that aren’t weird, weird.” You are totally justified, he is the one that is acting in an odd way. If you start to doubt that, look at what all the other posters have said about how weird his behavior is. I wish you the best of luck.
Post # 54
Btw, I only got livid here. I’m being calm collected and supermature when interacting with DH. I don’t have the energy to argue, plus I have to meet two deadlines, so I need my energy for that. As if I didn’t give him a chance to back out before we were married, nobody made him. When he started these outings three months before the wedding, I asked a few times, are you, are we sure about this.
He’s dodging me like he used to dodge his mom and looking for entertainment, which is what I used to be, I see that now. Except that this isn’t mommy…
Post # 55
I’d kill him! That’s ridiculus that the baby shower was so important he had to dedicate that much time to it. I understand coworkers having happy hours but a baby shower does not fall into that category. It doesn’t matter whether you want to or would go to it. What matters is that you should be invited. This isn’t an afterwork gossip time, it’s a baby shower. You not being invited sounds to me like you are being specifically outed. Not cool!
My DH has a policy; anywhere he is invited I am invited. The only things this doesn’t apply to are things like bachelor parties or his poker nights at the Moose club. There are plenty of things he does that aren’t girl friendly and that I don’t want to go to, but it’s still an option. (And a babyshower would never fall into this category).
You may be busy and unable to hang but he should still give you the option to go out with him. You’re more than likely to say no anyway.
Post # 56
What?! Is this woman like, THE person to impress or something?
but, I don’t thik $60 is a lot for a baby shower and my husband doesn’t consult me on how much money he’s allowed to spend at his buddy’s bachelor parties. But I think this on TOP of the fact it’s a no-spouses baby shower (still irks me) is just icing on the cake.
I agree that it sounds like the job environment of this place is just….strange!
Post # 57
hmm, my husband only wanted to spend $50 on a CLOSE friend of his…they don’t hang as much as they used to, but my hubs was new in town (and didn’t know me yet) they were part of his main group of friends…
Also, the not fussing in the first year is BS. The first year is the foundation of your marriage and can set up expectations/behavioral patterns for the rest of your marriage. Something definitely sounds fishy with the coworkers if there are 2 other divorces from your same concern…though, I’m sure those guys add even MORE peer pressure to continue the behavior, considering their recent divorce…UGH!
Post # 58
Honeymoon, Maybe it’s time that he get’s an outsider’s perspective. If he hears it from somebody else that you are not over reacting and that he’s the one over doing it then maybe it will open his eyes. I say better nip this in the butt fast before he gets more out of control.
Post # 59
Wow, I just want to say keep your chin up. I would be feeling incredibly hurt, lonely etc if this were my Fiance. I think that a ‘no spouse’ policy is setting most people up for disaster. I had a close family friend go through this similar situation. The difference is, he decided to go against the flow and came home to his wife. It did make his work life more difficult. He was not ‘one of the guys’, but he came home every night to a wife that adored him. A few years later almost every single one of the coworkers are divorced and sleeping with each other. He is one of the only ones who is not having an affair with another coworker and who is still married. The ‘no spouse’ policy had been set up by a person who was unhappy in their marriage and wanted to have an affair.
Point is, in my opinion, he is making a choice. He is choosing his party days over his new family. I am sure he is a wonderful person, but he does not sound mature and it does not sound like he really wants to be in a marriage. You are not his mother, you are the partner that he chose, and he should respect that and at least attempt to discuss some of these issues with you instead of acting like a rebellious teen.
Post # 60
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
Personally, I think $60 is way too much for a coworker’s baby shower gift. Close friend or family member, sure, but coworker?
Again, you guys live with your parents because you’re trying to save money and his actions are totally not in line with your goals. I would be beyond furious.
Post # 61
does anyone else think it’s kind of weird that he even wants to go to a baby shower?
Anyway I hope you guys can work things out :-/