(Closed) Newlywed husband going out frequently without me…long post

posted 11 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yeah, this sounds stranger and stranger. Fiance and I always go to each other for permission before making plans with coworkers and/or spending that much on a gift for someone. Fi would think $60 is outrageous for a baby shower gift. It sounds to me like your husband is trying really hard to impress these people and showing them more respect than he shows his wife.

Post # 63
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with all the post but especially with the last few.  I can’t help but think something isn’t adding up here?

Is he acting out in any other way?  Or acting different?  Like are you still talking as much as before, is he distancing himself with your family? 

Post # 64
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

i agree with a few posters so i’ll try not to just repeat..

why does he really really want to attend a baby shower? and for that matter, why is he so excitable about going out 4 nights a week with coworkers – how old is he, what kind of industry does he work in? It doesn’t seem normal.

And with all the money he spends on steak dinners, happy hours, baby showers, etc, you could pay for rent to live in your own place. He needs to man up!

For what it’s worth, my husband goes on work outings occasionally, but will invite me ANY time that it’s appropriate. I don’t always accept, though, but the invite is nice. And if there were that many in one week, he’d politely decline – we want to spend time together more frequently than we want to be out with others.

Post # 65
5282 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

To be honest, and I hope its not too harsh, but I really think these arn’t “no spouses” things, I think hes just telling you this b/c he thinks no other spouses will be there & he doesn’t want to be “that guy.”

He needs to grow some testies and get over it.

Post # 67
1981 posts
Buzzing bee

I would love to just go smack your Fiance and tell him what he’s slowly losing… grr! He makes ME mad!

*Note: I don’t actually think violence is the answer

Post # 68
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I do go out a lot without my Fiance because honestly he’s gone out of town for work and I’m lonely.  I do however, go out with my family.  Our events are going to the gym, dinner, movies or the local bar that my brother’s band plays at.  When the Fiance is home, I focus my time on him.  I skip going to the gym with mom in exchange for taking the dog for a jog with him. 

My point is it is okay for him to go out and you need to let him know this.  What you are not okay with is the fact that it is no spouses.  It isn’t that you don’t trust his actions but that you want to spend the free time with him.

The baby shower thing to me is weird because I just don’t think guys really care about going to showers but it is becoming more common.  I wouldn’t say anything now about the baby shower because he will just think you’re being stupid.  I would let him go and do his thing and then later when you can talk calmly about it then do so

Good luck!

Post # 69
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with many of the points you have made. Just a few pointers on how to approach this:

Don’t make it about the baby shower or any one event. That will just make him defensive…because the big deal is not the baby shower itself but the fact that this happens often.

I would approach this in a conciliatory rather than accusative manner: tell him that you love him, but you seem to have different expectations about going out alone. Yes, rules and regulations aren’t fun, but he kind of led you on by not being like this for several years and then changing his behavior all of a sudden. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what’s normal or not normal. If you are uncomfortable with something, you two should resolve it. You should figure out general guidelines – it’s ok to go out when you’re busy, but otherwise, keep it to once a week, for example. If he doesn’t like “rules”, remind him that marriage is about compromise, and that his behavior is making you unhappy. If he goes for the “but I don’t set rules for you” angle, you can remind him that it’s because you’re not doing anything that makes him unhappy in the first place.

Honestly, the situation you describe sounds ridiculous. Coworkers-only events should NOT happen that often. I hope you figure it out.

Post # 70
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

This would SO not fly with me. My DH and I are away from each other more than we would like because of the line of work we’re both in. Yet, we still consult each other on the way money is spent whether we’re together or apart, and we don’t do things that would make the other uncomfortable, let alone hurt or angry. It’s called respect and being considerate. 

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. That boy needs a wake up call – from you, or from someone else, but he needs one, and fast. And I call him a boy, because 27 or not, this behavior is immature and incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, and not that of a married MAN with responsibilities and a wife. 

Something does not add up, and if he’s being influenced by two newly-separated or divorced coworkers, you may need to look at the writing on the wall. If your Mother-In-Law is encouraging this, it could be that she thinks her son can do no wrong, I don’t know. But you need to get yourself some support if you don’t already have it. And as much as the hive is here for you, you need some real-life support. 

Is there a male (that he respects?) that could look at this objectively and speak to him? Or, is there anyway you two can go to a few counseling sessions together? Clearly, you are not on the same page when it comes to what you expect out of marriage, now or in the future. You two need to learn to effectively communicate about expectations, finances, love languages, and mutual respect in general, or I fear you may not last that 20+ years your DH is taking for granted just a few short months into your marriage. (And good lord, I sincerely hope you have longer than just 20+ years!)

If none of this works, then yeah, maybe he should get a taste of his own medicine, and you should go out with girls or GUYS – I mean, it’s not like he’s discriminating against anyone but YOU – and make it clear HE is not welcome. See how he likes it after a few weeks. Do I think that’s the answer? No. I think you need to seek counseling together and he needs to step up to the commitment he made to you and not assume that you’ll be there, loyal and waiting while he does whatever the hell he pleases.

You deserve better, lady. And I hope you get it, one way or another.  

Post # 71
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I talked to my husband about this last night to get his perspective. He said that he agreed with us ladies that this was not right. Any regular situation where spouses aren’t allowed is highly questionable and disrespectful.  He said if I were to act the way your dh is acting I’d be in big trouble.. and that the situation is setting him up for a high potential for cheating.  Sorry!! And I hope you are able to get through to him. Good luck!

Post # 72
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am so sorry you are going through this!! There are so many red flags and I too would definitely be suspicious.  Going out occassionally alone is one thing, but this is ridiculous. What I am particularly curious about is the baby-shower. From what you said in your original post the guys from the office are just going to keep the spouse company. So they clearly have a relationship with this husband and he must not have any other friend’s if his wives co-workers have to come over to entertain him?! Come on. That doesn’t make sense.  None of it does. He is living his life as if he is single and that is totally inappropriate. A guys night out (every once in a while) is one thing but a co-ed night out where spouses are excluded, well that’s just BS.  I hate to say this, but it really sounds like he is keeping some things from you.  good luck!

Post # 73
435 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.  I have to agree that there seem to be a few red flags here.  First why would he spend so much time shopping for a shower gift and then let someone else give it?  I can’t imagine he is really spending this much time shopping.  Maybe he is just a really sweet guy, but I can’t see most men getting so into buying a baby shower gift. 

Also, it seems strange he didn’t used to be like this.    I think you said he didn’t do this until 3 months before the wedding. That seems strange too. I’m realy sorry but I think he might be keeping something from you too.  But, of course only you really know him.  Good luck.

Post # 74
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Oh my goodness, I just read this entire thread, and I’m not sure what to say other than I’m so, so sorry. This is NOT right and your husband has an incredibly delusional perspective on the situation.

As others have said, what I don’t get most out of everything is WHY he wants to spend SO much time with his coworkers (who sound like an idiotic bunch, by the way … just bein’ honest). Unfortunately, I work in a small office where I’m the only married one, and everyone else is single, and during company-related outings, SOs are never invited. Therefore, I don’t go. Even when they’re “mandatory.” The hubs won’t, either, although, I’m always invited to his company stuff. So yeah, when my company does an outing outside work hours, and my husband isn’t invited, I make up an excuse. When it’s a casual get together where it’s not “mandatory,” I say, “My husband and I like to spend time together after work and on weekends, so if he’s not invited, we’ll politely decline.” I eventually stopped getting the invites to the casual outings, and I’m pretty sure my coworkers think I’m weird because, gasp! I have a husband I want  to spend time with!

Honestly, I would consider showing this thread  to your husband. He is in that little group if his that agrees with him, so he doesn’t understand that it’s far from normal. If you don’t want to do that, I would highly suggest couple’s counseling and stress that you’re NOT happy with the way the relstionship is going.

ETA: I just reread that, and it makes me kind of sound weird. I should clarify that we never have any outings outside work hours, unless it’s a BBQ or a holiday party. Attendance is “highly encouraged” but spouses are never invited. So nope, I do not go. I consider it incredibly offensive. If it were a “team building” thing I could understand the no spouses thing, obvs, but a holiday party at 8 p.m. on a Thursday? And no spouses? Umm, no thanks. That’s my company for ya.

Post # 75
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

have you ever had any reason to suspect he is hiding something? from an outsider’s view, I worry that something more than just innocent nights out would be going on here….

Post # 76
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012



So was the baby shower this weekend gone? How did it go?

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