(Closed) Newlywed husband going out frequently without me…long post

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 77
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I’m bumping this too — I’m so curious how things are going.  I have to say, from an outsider’s perspective, I also wonder if there is more going on here than meets the eye.

Post # 79
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@bumblebeeme: I’m sorry to hear things aren’t going so well. It sounds like you have a great attitude and know that no matter what happens, you will be just fine. I think it’s great to see that you’ve voiced your expectations and know that you don’t deserve to be treated poorly. We’re all here for you!!

Post # 80
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@bumble,

Definitely keep us updated.

I’m so sorry about what you are going through… very brave to stand your ground though! You are doing the right thing. He is in the wrong for participating in these activites so frequently without you. My Fiance would be horrified is his friends or co-workers constantly expected him to go to things when I was specifically not invited. I can’t imagine having differing opinions on the matter… this seriously affects your lifestyle!

I hope that the two of you seek counseling… this is something that can really hurt your marriage and do a lot of permanent damage.

Good luck!

Post # 81
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry to hear about this, bumble. I think that you guys should definitely see a marriage counselor- it sounds like you are really not too late to work your issues out!!

Something else I would suggest once you guys make peace a little more is to maybe designate a specific day of the week to do something special. Make a plan to go out to a nice restaurant, go see a movie together, maybe go to an event in town. My hope would be that once he realizes that he can have a fun time out with you, then maybe he’ll say “no thanks, I have other plans” to his coworkers to spend some quality time with you.

Good luck!

Post # 82
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I just read this whole thread and it sounds like the word “stalemate” that you’ve used a couple of times is a pretty good summary of where things are at.  Do you think it’s time to involve a neutral third party?  I’ve had a number of people in my life who have let things fester over a too long period of time and have found that they are now in situations that are going to be very difficult to repair.

For whatever reason, he’s choosing not to hear/undertand your point of view, and it seems like none of us (including you) can get a really good handle on where he’s coming from.  I try to see both sides of every situation, but I have to say I’m coming up short on this one.

Post # 83
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’ve been following this thread, and I have to say I think the best and only option at this point is counseling.  He is flatly refusing to see your point of view or compromise at all, and at this point, I don’t know if the two of you talking “at” each other is going to help.  I’m trying to see where he might be coming from, but I honestly can’t, and it seems to me that there has GOT to be something else going on here, because none of this is adding up.  You sound like you’ve done a lot of soul searching, and you know what your needs are, and you know that you are going to be okay no matter what happens.  I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and we are here for you when you need us!

Post # 84
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Thanks for the update, and I am sorry to hear things haven’t got any better. I strongly suggest counceling. He says you are making this marrige ‘no fun’ and that you are making a big deal out of nothing, and while I don’t think you are, the point is that you are unhappy and he is not working with you to fix that. I hope you guys can see someone who can help you comunicate your feelings better and hopefully you can reach a compromise.

Post # 85
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

First, I want to say I am SO SORRY you are going through this. 🙁

Second, I agree with mrsmdphd. I tried to see where he’s coming from, but I don’t. A healthy marriage is supposed to combine love, trust, compromise, and respect for each other and each other’s feelings. You have made your feelings very clear, and your hubby doesn’t seem to respect them at all. It’s like he hears what you’re saying but doesn’t care and does what he wants to do anyway. He seems to have quite an active social life- outside of his marriage- for someone who is a newlywed.  And the fact that he went and had an overnight stay at a friend’s house after coming back from the baby shower that he attended without you?!?! Oh NO!

I read one of your other posts from about 8 months ago, where you were uspet because you found out that he (who was your then-FI) lied to you about going to a strip club and how long he was there for. You also found a questionable bill for a party of two. Then a week after that he went out for beers with friends and didn’t call you. There seems to be a pattern here- of disrespect and deception on his part- and mistrust on your part. He seemed to be exhibiting this type of behavior before you got married, and now that you are newlyweds it doesn’t seem to have gotten better.

I definitely think that counseling is needed. If he won’t go with you, go without him for yourself. Maybe I’m reading this situation all wrong, but I think you should talk to someone who can help you sort this out. Trying to build a relationship without trust is like trying to build a house on sand. This same issue is going to keep coming up over and over and over again if something doesn’t change.

Post # 86
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Wow. I just read this whole thing; what a frustrating situation. I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know if I can say much to help but I just wanted to share a few thoughts… it ended up kinda long, sorry! hope that it’s at least a bit useful ~

 

First, about expectations of the first year of marriage: my first year was really hard, too. It happens… it doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is doomed, but it’s really hard to get through, and it takes work from both spouses. Second, about the work situation, and the fact that he thinks it’s “normal” because all his coworkers do it too.. I have had similar situations come up about my husband and his coworkers. He works on projects in different cities for 4 days/week. His coworkers tend to go out a lot after work, because it’s either that or go back to a hotel room alone. I understand that, but when my husband first started spending lots of time with his coworkers (mostly female) at dinner/drinks every night, I was not happy about it. My coworkers are great people but we don’t socialize outside of work that frequently – maybe once a month but not multiple times/week! But if I mentioned that I thought it was odd, he did sort of dismiss it because it was normal for everyone he worked with – that was his perspective. It was hard feeling that he took their perspective over mine. But, he did listen to me, and made sure to carve out time for phone conversations with me every night.. so in the end I knew he did care about my feelings and responded in a way that helped me feel better.

 

It sounds like your husband’s coworkers think these outings are normal and your husband is going along with that. But you also mentioned that some of them have separated from their spouses. That signals that you’re not the only spouse who “got weird”! I would try talking to him about this again, but give it a little break beforehand… maybe wait a few days since you said you are in a stalemate mode. You might even want to try writing things down and giving him a letter or email; sometimes changing the form of conversation helps things get communicated more clearly (I know with my husband and me, we get into patterns of fighting where we set each other off – in a really predictable way – and it can be really counterproductive).

 

Some things that I would mention: First, how much time does he spend with these coworkers total? I assume it’s 40 hrs/week at work, plus however much outside time. Then compare that to how much time the two of you spend together. If there is a big difference (and it sounds like there is), then you can state that the fact that he spends so much more time with them than with you makes you feel like you are low on his priorities, and your expectation in your marriage was that you would be each other’s first priority. Second, addressing the social things “just coming up” – I might argue that things come up for you, too, like stress, bad days, etc where you need him to provide comfort, companionship, etc – even entertainment! It should be normal to get enjoyment out of time spent with your spouse! And you said you used to have this… tell him you miss it. If he always choses the social activities over you, then that is not healthy for your relationship because your needs are not being met. Addressing whether or not these activities are “normal”: you can see that this is normal to this group, but point out the recent separations as an indicator that this much time spent with coworkers over spouse leads to relationship problems, and you do not want that to be the case with you. Addressing his thoughts about “not fussing” in the first year: point out that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and communication is critical. You can expect to encounter some obstacles in terms of expectations but you need to work together to overcome them. The process of working together is really important for how you grow as a couple, and strengthen your bonds together. Additionally, you need shared time together, to further strengthen your bond. In the current situation, you are unhappy, and the time you have together has been spent fighting. That’s not a good use of your time together.

 

Then I would state that you don’t want to make up “rules” for him, but you do want to work with him to come up with guidelines that will work for both of you. I would probably try to stay away from telling him not to go to these events, but would focus on making solid plans for the two of you. A weekly datenight that you can definitely count on him being there, for example. Where YOU get priority, and if a work thing “comes up”, he’ll turn it down because he already has this date scheduled. Another thing would be requesting sufficient notice on his plans, because the fact is that now you are married, which means joining both your lives together – you have a right to make plans together, and know what he’ll be doing ahead of time.

 

Sorry this got so long; my tendency is to lay things out as logically as possible (my husband’s an engineer.. he responds better to that) and try avoid attacking. But yeah it’s hard if I’m really upset! That’s why writing helps sometimes. And if not.. I definitely agree with everyone who suggested counseling. Good luck.. I hope things improve soon.

Post # 87
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

OK maybe its my age,but I’d put up with this so called “no spouse” invite for about 1 day…thats total crap and sounds to me like an excuse…I’m sorry to put a bad spin on this but somethings not right…i agree that couples needs to spend time away from each other socialing with friends..but Dear Lord…that is extreme! a baby shower and you can’t go..for real!!??? 

Post # 88
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The “no spouses allowed” thing really bothers me. It seems like a red flag. I understand a few corporate-only functions, but a Sunday baby shower?  Please. That’s just weird.

Post # 89
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

ok now im curious as to what happened…even though this is a 5 month old thread

Post # 90
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Me too!

Post # 91
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Ok, not sure how I missed this thread last year, but will put in my 2 cents, which has been voiced a lot before.

Occasional (like once a month, maybe twice) events where spouses aren’t invited is ok. WE have happy hours and trainings outside of work hours where spouses aren’t invited, but the trainings is a given and the happy hours only last 2 hours max and are meant for networking opportunities.  We are divided at work where just as many people are married or in serious relationships as are not, but for the most part, anything “fun” guests (whether its a friend or so) are invited, or people don’t push you to go. 

Personally, this is a huge red flag for me. I think that if he isn’t already cheating, he is dangerously close to it.  THe fact that 2 people have recently separated due to this doesn’t alarm him????  If I were you, since you obviously aren’t getting results from him, I would contact that other not invited spouses and commiserate with them. If you all feel this way, then maybe an intervention is needed for everyones sake, unless they want more separations to happen. I think that you have been far too nice about this, if it were my husband pulling this, I would stick my foot so far up his ass he wouldn’t know what hit him!! But luckily for us, we set boundaries well before we got married, and if either of us wants to do anything on our own, we make sure its ok with the other before we accept.

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