Newlywed – is this normal 1st year hell or should I get divorced ASAP?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do?
    Go back to my country ASAP where I have support : (83 votes)
    93 %
    Keep hoping something changes and wait til he is back next year to try to work on it : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Any other ideas! : (3 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    1148 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    It seems obvious that something changed.

    In my experience, people deny things when they don’t feel like they can be open and honest. To me he is reading as insecure.

    Your #1- just seems rediculous you were aimlessly chatting and he made a sound effect and gesture and you made it into a huge deal. That lasted your entire visit.

    The events read a lot of you calling him out on stuff and it seems like you have talked everything to death and he is feeling inadequate and attacked. He is on the defensive. You are insecure in your relationship. So my advice is, praise him. Everything that he does that you like acknowledge as well as give praise and compliments. Thanks for doing the dishes, you look great today, thanks for dinner, thanks for calling I love hearing your voice, I know it’s late and your tired but I love you calling me, I love when you (insert thing). Do this for the month he is away and the two months he is back and watch his behavior change.

    “Go and love someone exactly as they are. Then watch how they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.” 

    It’s basic human nature. The things others recognize and appreciate we do. At the end of his two months, he has home evaluate where you are in your relationship. You can’t change him but you can change yourself. The way you are currently approaching things he is reacting negatively to so change your approach.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    413 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  Your husband sounds verbally and emotionally abusive.  Him pushing the door back on you sounds physically abusive.  This is not first year marriage hell.  This is beyond the pale.  He lies to your face about things you and he both know to be true–he is gaslighting you.  No partner should treat you with such disrespect.

    Edited to add: He was pushing for you two to get married even though it made you uncomfortable so that you would be locked in with him and he could let his guard down.  Classic abuser tactic.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

    It sounds to me like he’s gaslighting the shit out of you, to be perfectly honest.  But for it to be that sudden a change does seem odd.  The only explanation I can think of is that now that you’re married, he can let his guard down and be his true self – he doesn’t have to put that facade up now that he’s got a ring on your finger.  My first year of marriage was hell but for totally different reasons – husband’s kidney failure suddenly got worse about six months in and by our first anniversary he was on dialysis.  It shouldn’t be this hard.  Bring it up with your therapist and see what she says, but I’d be cutting my losses and getting out.

    Post # 7
    Member
    413 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015 - City, State

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  If you choose to leave him please be careful.  It sounds like he could turn violent.  If I were in your shoes, I would leave without his knowledge before he returned and make sure he never finds out where I am.

    Post # 8
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    @elodie2019:  Yeah that’s gonna be a huge no. 

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  This guy is lying to you, slamming doors, being manipulative, unpredictable… you do NOT need to be in this situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I would move on.

    Post # 11
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  Please be careful regardless. You didn’t think he could be this way and he is now. You never know. ❤️ 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2492 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  Bee, yes the first year of marriage can be difficult but this situation is not ‘normal’ by any stretch. Your husband is a physical abuser (the car incident, slamming doors, pushing you) who gaslights you (makes you think you’re the crazy one) when confronted. If this is happening within months of marrying, I can guarantee the VERY physical abuse will intensify soon. I am so worried for your safety. Please immediately reach out to a family member or friend that you can trust with your life and tell them exactly what is happening to you and express your desire to leave.. He’s gone for 1 month so you have a window of opportunity NOW to make the arrangements needed to relocate, get a legal order of protection and ultimately SAVE. YOUR. LIFE. Also, please ignore everything @elodie2019 wrote, you’re not being ridiculous and there’s nothing you’ve done to deserve to be abused.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2856 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @elodie2019:  This is terrible advice. This guy is emotionally abusing OP and you want her to thank him for it???

    Post # 15
    Member
    2659 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  I just don’t get this. You said, “I never got an answer to any of this and he refused to talk about why these outbursts were happening. Then we got married

    Why? When problems arise, start to build, and are not getting resolved, you don’t just marry the person. I think you made a poor decision, and he doesn’t sound like a good partner. 

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