- 4 months ago
I got married literally months ago. I have been with my husband for 3 years and moved to another country to marry him (we lived in the same country for 2 of those years and then did long distance). I married him because I admired how self-aware, kind, patient and emotionally strong he was and because we have the same sense of humour.
After a few too many bad relationships I was skeptical about how nice he was when I first met him and underwent quite vigorous ‘testing’ (by which I mean I was 100% myself warts and all emotionally). I was amazed at how kind he was towards and that after showing him my real person rather than ‘the fun, easygoing woman’ I thought most wanted and how well he handled the ups and downs during our relationship. I wasn’t quite ready when he proposed and I delayed the engagement, which was very difficult and tense for both of us. We got through it without treating each other badly or blowing up, although it was quite a toughy given that he was due to go back to his own country the next year.
We continued dating, everything was great… until a few very strange occurances I cannot work out and that have left me feeling quite devastated. These were:
1) I came to visit him before Christmas, and whilst in a car while I was chatting away about something silly (I talk aimlessly a lot which he has usually found entertaining in the past) he made some very aggressive hand gestures and a loud ‘arrrgh’ – which prompted me to shut up. I waited until we’d pulled over because I was quite shocked. He had never done anything like that before and since we were not arguing and I was talking about music (pretty non-inflammatory topic) I asked ‘why did you do that?’. To which he replied ‘I didn’t do anything’. This went on and on for about 10 minutes, I couldn’t believe he was denying he had done anything since we had sat in marked silence for the last 5 minutes of the drive after it. I imitated what he did to make sure he wasn’t just misunderstanding my question. I was not mad at him doing that at all, perhaps I’d really annoyed him I thought, but I wanted to know why. He just kept denying it, until I got the lazy ‘fake’ apology and an angry ‘can we just go’. This whole thing, pretending nothing happened, really freaked me out – why deny it? For the entire time I was visiting him I tried to talk about it 3 more times, each time he denied it, which left me to become terrified and thinking he wanted to end the relationship as we had always been so honest with each other. Dispite tears on my end, me desperately begging him to explain why this is such a big deal and why he felt we could just have a simple ‘you were annoying me, sorry’ ‘oh really, ok I won’t do that anymore’ conversation.
2) He came to visit me, same thing but something more serious. He had denied he had said something during an important discussion that he had said literally minutes earlier. Again, nothing would make him admit it. This guy is fully open before this.
3) During phone calls he got angry at seemingly nothing, never explaining his anger. He’d put he phone down. Shout irrationally things about my intentions in the conversation or personality, such as ‘you don’t care about my work’ because I had been sad he had to go on the phone (I did not demand he stays or anything, just ‘owww really?’) I hadn’t spoken to him much with an 8 hour time difference that week and I’d stayed up til very late at night to talk to him.
I never got an answer to any of this and he refused to talk about why these outbursts were happening. Then we got married.
4) I am here quite alone during isolation I don’t know anyone here. He knows it would be weird to not tell me he wasn’t coming home. He waited until 9pm at night when I text him to ask where he is, to tell me ‘I told you I’m not coming home tonight, I have an exercise (military)’. He plans these exercises so he will have known about it for at least a week. He did not tell me, I have a good memory. He knew he had not told me. I didn’t text back that evening because it’s all been so much and its just getting exhausting. He wouldn’t admit, that he knew the entire time he had lied, until 4 days later, after he had called me crazy, slammed doors (a new thing he has started doing), said horrific things about me like ‘you are emotionally manipulative, you just always want to win’ etc.
5) Every single discussion we have, about pretty much anything, he turns into a fight and stabbing things about my personality are said. He says things such as ‘you have no evidence I…’ even when I just said something like ‘these incidents (listed) I want to try to get past’. It gets horrifically ugly I feel, he says a lot ‘I took your shit for ages now I am sticking up for myself’ which makes absolutely no sense to me because we had no problems before this that we couldn’t calmly talk through! I would hate to ‘win’ an argument and have the other person feel bad – that’s not winning at all! He walks off before an discussion has even started and slams doors. I went into the room he slammed and he pushed the door back on me.
It genuinely is starting to seem like he has some mental block any of these events happened. This is nothing like the person I knew.
I know this seems like sure I could have said ‘so he lies, lets let it go’. But he knows that’s not something I’ll ever be ok with having been in an abusive relationship in the past with a tonne of gaslighting that left me a bit of a mess before I ended it.
I also found out from my Mother-In-Law he had told her he left an exercise early in our relationship because I was ‘unstable’… but in reality, he left his exercise because I told him ‘no it is not growing on me I don’t want to be engaged’ (I wasn’t ready and he wouldn’t initally accept me saying that and asked me to see how I feel for a week or so). He had thrown my reputation under the bus to make himself look good.
Now, I cannot talk to him about anything. He makes no sense. Any attempt at trying to straighten things out leads to him rapidly and angrily speaking over me and telling me I am basically crazy and I should accept his explanation and if I was ‘more considerate (E.g. not asking him to stay on the phone’ these things wouldn’t happen.
To me… I’m thinking ‘nope, abusive and crazy-making – this won’t end well’. However, before this started 6 months ago (before I knew about the thing he had told his parents), to me he was the kindest, most down to earth and self-aware person I had ever met.
I read the first year of marriage is hell. For me, I feel betrayed and heart-broken (he invalidates these feelings when I’ve told him) and I feel like I need to go back to my own country as I have no support here and it’s all a bit insane. The catch – if I go back to my own country, because of Visas, I will never be allowed back into that country again. Additionally, he has a military career so cannot move to mine. So if I make the wrong move do I end a marriage with the person who loves me, that’s going through a real bad patch? Or do I save my mental health and accept I put every ounce of effort into it but in the past 6 months these problems have only gotten worse despite him seeing how much these things are hurting me.
Please help on insight or opinions – I can’t work it out at all! I have already got a cousellor for myself, because I’m not coping well at all with this and it is making me extremely sad, but I don’t think they can offer insight into anything like this.
Sorry ad on! He is currently away for a month, will be back for 2 months and then leaves again for almost a year- during which time I’ll be alone. There seems to be no urgency on his part to sort it out so we can be at maximum strength to last that distance.