thanks very much, I am really appreciative of all comments and all the views because I don’t want to make a bad decision.
Yes, I absolutely stay on the topic until it is cleared up – it would be extremely annoying to most people for sure. Before the change and these incidents, we were extremely good at communication and I didn’t ever stay on a topic because communication was very clear. We never raised our voices, I thought we had such similar views on ‘right and wrong’ that we’d be able to tackle anything.
The reason I have stayed on these topics is because they seem crazy to me that he cannot explain what is going on (very unusual given our past communication). I am worried he is psychologically abusive because of this dramatic change. He is a smart guy and showed very good self-awareness before this. We had the type of relationship where we didn’t feel judged by each other for doing a stupid thing and where everything could be worked out. Which is why I don’t understand this at all and I can’t understand why he wants this situation.
I cannot just ‘let it go’ because it is weird and a huge change and I don’t want to have a life being treated like that. So I want to know if it is something that is going to be worked out or whether he thinks the gaslighting (which he is definitely doing and I have pointed out to him) is acceptable and this is how he thinks a marriage should be.
My problem is it isn’t that he won’t talk about this, it is that no matter how many times I try to talk about it in so many different ways, he will say none of this happened (even though we were both there), that there is no problem, he will say I am crazy and rapidly talk over me saying a tonne of stuff about me that 1) isn’t true and 2) if it was true why does he even want to be in a relationship with somebody that is ’emotionally abusive’ and that ‘pushed him around for so long and now he is fighting back’. Why does he only say this when I try and talk about the problem?
Our style before this was that we both say what we want to say, calmly, with nobody saying things like ‘that didn’t happen’, ‘you are crazy’ and basically not listening. He says ‘you are not listening’ but all he does is talk over me and I am listening. I can repeat word for word back to him what he has said and I say ‘see I am listening’. But he will not listen to me, acknowledge I have any right to say anything or that I am even worried because of this.
Basically he is trying to say I have invented all of this, there is no problem. But there is a big problem for me in how he is behaving. But he will say lots of things to explain why I am saying I have a big problem with it like ‘you are emotionally abusing me’, ‘you are making this up’. I can’t get any further than that he walks off, slams doors, puts the phone down. He has said I have made him behave that way and if I want it to stop I need to be more considerate, but cannot tell me what he means by that other than bringing up the time he was mad that I didn’t want him to get off of the phone.
He also doesn’t have any remorse when he has lied for a long time. There is no real apology and he won’t acknowledge I am upset, he just keeps doing it. It is as if his idea is that I am doing this to myself and he has become very cold.
The thing is, we had much more difficult conversations than this in the past with ease even if we were upset.