Newlywed – is this normal 1st year hell or should I get divorced ASAP?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do?

    Go back to my country ASAP where I have support

    Keep hoping something changes and wait til he is back next year to try to work on it

    Any other ideas!

  • Post # 16
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2017 - Central Park

    I found the first year of marriage to be a difficult adjustment, but what you’re dealing with sounds really abusive. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s hard to give advice on what to do because I don’t know you or him. It’s important to love yourself and to try and not transfer any of his feelings to the way you view yourself. Please be careful. I think you should definitely seek professional advice from a therapist who can help you work through this in a way that’s healthy for you. Best of luck. I am so sorry. 

    Post # 17
    1464 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012


    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  No, this is not normal in any way. Have you told him you’re close to leaving?

    If you cannot talk about anything and every discussion becomes a fight, you don’t have a choice — you have to leave. Don’t wait around while he’s deployed and hope things are better when he returns. You could be using that time to rebuild your life at home and find true happiness.

    I also moved countries to be with my husband. Settling into a new country can be difficult, but the first year of my marriage was wonderful despite less-than-ideal circumstances. If you’re with the right partner, it won’t be hell.

    Post # 18
    13365 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    If your counselor is not helping you, find another one. That said, he hasn’t changed. You had all the red flags staring you in the face before you were married, and went through with it anyway. Your husband has anger issues, lies and emotionally, verbally and now physically abuses you. It will only get worse and no, none of this is normal. Stop kidding yourself and find a good lawyer. 

    As for the person who told you to praise and build him up, I have no words for how bad that advice is. 

    Post # 19
    3406 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @elodie2019:  “So my advice is, praise him. Everything that he does that you like acknowledge as well as give praise and compliments.” 

    Post # 20
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    OP, sounds like we’re getting half of a story here. If you were to be completely honest here it sounds like you push him on total non-issues until he has no choice but to push back. The car incident for example… he could have been making a gesture at another car, or perhaps he did get annoyed for a second, but talking about such a minor thing for WEEKS seems so bizarre on your part. Do you guys often have arguments over things like this? I get the feeling there is a big communication here on both your parts. 

    I’ll disagree with other bees posting here (let the hate come) and say I see no indication of physical abuse. This is coming from a former social worker for over a decade. I’m not even sure how this was interpreted by other bees in that way. You have stated outright that you do not feel he is abusive towards you and that you feel safe, other bees need to listen to that!

    Sounds to me like you both have very different communication styles for sure, and if you choose to stay you’ll both need to work on that. 

    Post # 21
    718 posts
    Busy bee

    He sounds like a very defensive person who communicates poorly. 

    Can you ever get him to a calm place (emotionally) to talk? Maybe in the heat of the moment he cant talk reasonably – But after the dust has settled, can you work through it with him?

    My husband is defensive and a poor communicator in the heat of the moment, but when hes had time to process he can recognize where he reacted too harshly or whatever and take responsibility for working on his communication/approach to conflict resolution. Its still a work in progress, but he is working at it and improving. 

    If you can engage your husband in a meaningful way and work on it, then I think its just first year stuff. If he flat our refuses to engage is unable to have a constructive conversation, then I think the outlook is not good for your marriage.

    Post # 22
    1653 posts
    Bumble bee

    Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you read way too much into every little thing. Like other PP’s have mentioned, he could have been making that motion at another car or something totally different. crying about that and talking about it for weeks would 100% put me on edge too. 

    I didn’t read anywhere where it said he was being physically anusive towards you. And someone being a total asshole like that doesn’t mean he will turn physically abusive, either.

    Something changed for him to suddenly act like that and I’m not sure if he was always like that or if something else happened but you need to learn to communicate better with him and he need to learn to communicate better with you.

    I don’t have an answer for you but I wouldn’t divorce over this, not yet. Can you very calmly sit him down without crying and ask him what the problem is? Say you love him and you just want to help.

    My husband used to such at communicating and we have the worst first year of marriage ever. But I learned to calmly talk to him and over the years he’s gotten great at communicating. But it takes both people wanting it to work. 

    Good luck in whatever you choose to do, Bee.

    Post # 25
    799 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    So I am reading your post and it sounded so familiar. A story I’ve heard and read a million times. And I go on reading and then you finally mention it. He’s in the military. Which makes your story exactly the story of so many foreign military spouses…. I am sorry this is happening to you and I don’t have any smart ad hoc advice to give but have you heard of the “foreign military spouse association”. I’d seek help there. Post exactly what you wrote here in that group. There’s also an option to post anonymously. The girls there will better able to give advice. We’re from all over the world, we deal with visas, immigration, deployment, loneliness and cultural differences. The latter might play a huge role as well. In the FMSA group you can post your base/post/station, country of origin and country you currently live in. Chance is someone knows rules/laws and such. We have lawyers in the group as well. It’s not your typical mil spouse page (which usually are horrible to the nth degree). 
    I am very sorry to read that this is happening to you and I am not sure if this will end well. The best advice I can give you is to ask for advice in that group. It doesn’t matter that you aren’t currently stationed in the US. Lots of us aren’t. Some have never even been to the US. 

    Edit: what’s so familiar about your story is the fact that your man changed in the way you describe it. I’ve read about women being devastated about that kind of behavioral change for no obvious reason on FMSA so frequently that it almost seems like a pattern. 

    Post # 27
    2477 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I’m very confused.. Is slamming a door so that it hits somebody no longer considered ‘physical’ abuse?

    Post # 30
    718 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  Well you wouldnt be that. Youd be a rightfully frustrated person whose spouse is stonewalling and refusing to resolve conflicts like a reasonable adult. 

    Id say try to explain to talk it out with him. If hes willing to engage and acknowledge there are issues to be worked out – then try. If he isnt, walk away without a second thought.

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