- 2 months ago
- Wedding: October 2019
I view the situation as a communications issue. Sorry to the PP’s that hated my advice. If I had seen this as an abusive situation I would have not suggested changing the dynamic by changing how Op interacts with him. She can change their communication dynamic. Compliments can create a safe place for people who are on the defensive to feel valued and appreciated and able to talk and open up. Only Op knows her situation and if that is something that could diffuse the situation.
Season 9 of Married at first sight is on Netflix, this reminds me a little of Beth and Jamie. You both cannot communicate and are taking what the other says the wrong way.
To me, it seems both of you are on edge, you allow your insecurity to make you question everything which puts him on the defensive. You can’t let anything he does go and push and push until he gives you a reason.
Maybe there was no reason in the car, maybe he just made a sound and gesture and can’t tell you why cause there was no conscious thought behind it. And then you pushed him on it and cried and it was something he didn’t realize he even did. You were assuming he did it deliberately because he found you annoying. But all indicators are that he doesn’t find you annoying or he wouldn’t have married you and has never had a problem with you aimlessly chattering in the car before.
“something during an important discussion that he had said literally minutes earlier. Again, nothing would make him admit it.” Again here you are pressing him and nothing would make him admit he said what he said. Instead of making him admit that he said something how about, “What did you mean by (blank).” Sometimes with H, I say something and he takes it a certain way, and maybe I did say it that way but how it came out was not my intended meaning. To me saying, “you said XYZ, admit that you said it,” gets us nowhere in the conversation. “What did you mean by (blank) “can move the conversation forward.
He got upset that he perceived you were upset and annoyed at him when he had to get off the phone. Again non-issue. “Babe, I’m not upset I understand you have to go, I just enjoy talking to you.”
“I told you I’m not coming home tonight, I have an exercise (military)’. He plans these exercises so he will have known about it for at least a week. He did not tell me, I have a good memory. He knew he had not told me. I didn’t text back that evening because it’s all been so much and it’s just getting exhausting. He wouldn’t admit, that he knew the entire time he had lied, until 4 days later.” The whole situation could have been avoided with a simple, “Weird, I had no idea. Maybe we should get a wall calendar and write them on it. Have a good night.”
It just seems like the two of you are caught in an unhealthy communication cycle. For some reason, he didn’t feel like he could say, “oh shit sorry babe, I forgot to tell you I have an exercise tonight.” Would you have let that go? Or would you have launched into why he didn’t tell you and how he could have forgotten and what him forgetting meant?
The things he is saying, “you have no evidence I…’.. ‘I took your shit for ages now I am sticking up for myself’, you are emotionally manipulative, you just always want to win” To me, these reactions say he feels attacked and is on the defensive. The two of you need to learn how to communicate where neither of you feels attacked. There are no winners in arguments. Getting him to admit things shouldn’t be the goal, communicating effectively should be.
The entire relationship sounds exhausting. You either have to figure out how to speak the same language and learn to communicate effectively or move on. I would see a couple’s therapist who can teach you to speak the same language in your communication.