Newlywed – is this normal 1st year hell or should I get divorced ASAP?

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should I do?

    Go back to my country ASAP where I have support

    Keep hoping something changes and wait til he is back next year to try to work on it

    Any other ideas!

  • Post # 46
    Member
    2532 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    OP seems really overly focused on scrutinizing her husband’s every move (literally) and finding something wrong with it so that she can bring it to his attention and “correct” him. I imagine that he feels “under fire” all the time & is exhausted by it. I would feel exhausted if my every gesture was commented on and I had someone literally following me around badgering me about it.

    Post # 47
    Member
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    OP, it’s really disheartening to see the amount of people (though the minority for sure) who think you are heavily scrutinizing your husband, and think it’s acceptable for him to treat you the way he does. I truly hope you take those comments with a grain of salt. It’s like those people are completely missing the fact that he is gaslighting you at every turn and lying to you/about you regularly. Please do not follow any advice that is encouraging you to “let it go” when he treats you this way, or even worse, praise him for doing things that any normal adult spouse should already be doing. I am very concerned for you, I’ve seen this happen before, and I’ve seen it end very, very badly. Please let us know how things turn out. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    68 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  I think you are doing the smart and mature thing by acknowledging the situation for what it is, and not trying to make excuses for your husband. It does suck, and it is sad, but you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. It is such a bummer when things don’t go the way you expected them to. I know you must be hurting so much, but hopefully you have some loving and supportive people in your life who can help get you back on your feet. 

    Post # 50
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    I think you should get out because clearly he doesnt like confrontation and doesn’t want to work through things that are upsetting you. If he cared he would talk it through to find out what is upsetting you. My husband is the same, I cant talk to him because he refuses to acknowledge anything, he just says no it’s not like that but clearly there is a problem.  So now I’m basically  bottled up with many things that are bothering me because I know I will just be shut down if I bring them up.

    Like you, I’m also living in another country with him and I have no one else to talk to and nowhere else to go to. I feel trapped and that’s probably how you feel too. You are lucky that he is gone for some lengths of time because it seems like its tense when  you are together.

    A previous comment suggested you should leave without letting him know and I second that because you dont know how he is going to react if you bring up the topic of divorce. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee

    This sounds really scary to me. Please be head strong and get out of there.. Your health and safety are important and this wont end well for you my friend. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee

    Men! Dont talk even when they need to the most.

    Post # 54
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  leave now, he will not change and his behavior will only escalate

    Post # 55
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee

    My motto is always to try and work things out. However, you said no matter how you approach it, he won’t talk to you and just go angry.

    As someone who grew up with a very angry father, I personally cannot handle it with a partner. If we can’t talk calmly and honestly like adults- this isn’t it.

    Also, I don’t know why people say first year is hell. To me it was like any other year. No difference. 

    So I’m gonna go with option number 1- You tried to work it out, it didn’t go well, now it’s time to get out of an unhealthy situation. I’m really sorry this happened to you!

    Post # 56
    Member
    937 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @Stephanie31:  

    As I read your post, every single detail you shared, bar none, was a flashing light to me saying “This man is an abuser, and quite possibly narcissistic.” 

    Everything you’ve described, him apparently being “too good to be true” when you were first dating, then changing into a different person after you were married, to the aggressive behaviour that slowly increases, to the shouting, gaslighting and invalidating of your feelings, to how confused you feel… all of these are very classic signs of an abusive relationship for anyone who has done any research on the topic.

    Please ignore the posts from commenters who claim you are “scrutinising” him. This is what an abusive relationship does – it turns you into a detective because the simplest things turn into an ordeal and never get resolved. It’s crazy-making.

    Giving him the abolute most benefit of the doubt, he could be suffering from some mental health issues as a result of his work in the military. Members of the armed forces are at very high risk for alcoholism and mental health concerns. But if this is the case, he should be willing to see that there is a problem and seek help.

    Abusive, narcissistic people are usually unwilling to work on their issues in any kind of meaningful way – they will say what they need to to get you to stay, but nothing will change. So the best way to see if this relationship is salvageable or going down a bad road is to approach him honestly about getting help – for the marriage, for yourself, for him, or for a combination of these.

    I strongly recommend that, at the very least, you get counselling for yourself with a therapist who understands abuse and narcissism. A good one will be able to validate your experiences and tell you whether your husband is the problem, and they’ll help you reach some kind of clarity about what to do.

    Post # 57
    Member
    2536 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @indigobee:  100% correct. OP, this will not get better. It’s heartbreaking that someone you thought was “the one” could turn into someone you don’t recognize. You deserve so much better.

    Post # 58
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    View original reply
    @yogahammy:  relax this is normal. It’s how I live every day!

    Post # 59
    Member
    9 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Why do people say or think the first year is hell?!? I lived with my now husband for years before marrying so the first year was normal lol

    Post # 60
    Member
    4 posts
    Wannabee

    First, you are so strong for reaching out for advice and weighing your options. As a social worker I definitely saw some red flags in your post. As some PPs have said, his behaviour seems to be escalating. The fact that his behaviour now surprises you, makes me think his behaviour will only continue to surprise you as he spirals  even further. I don’t think his behaviour or your points of tension are a result of anything you’ve said or done. My inclination would be that he has been greatly affected by something at work and you have unfortunately become the scapegoat. My advice would be to return to the UK and spends some time healing with your support network around you. I know it’s a very extreme and ‘final’ decision given the situation especially with visas but he really does not sound like the safe and loving partner you deserve. Just because you married him, you do not have to stick around at the detriment to your wellbeing. 

    What would you advise your daughter if she was in the same boat?

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