Post # 1
Hi bees. I’m have some newlywed issues that are turning to rather large issues lately
My DH is a very friendly person, always likes to go out, lots of friends etc. I like to do things, but I’m more of a dance class, meet up for a bike ride, work out class kind of person.
DH has gone out with friends/ did his own thing 3 nights in a row this week. Each time he came home home later than he originally said. He complains he never goes out but the truth is we had a huge falling out just 2 weeks ago because he went out with coworkers, got hammered, treated me like crap and acted like a jackass. I’m still trying to explain how that hurt me. He says this is normal and healthy for him to go out and have fun. True, but don’t be a jackass.
My question to married need is what do you think is a good mix of going out a month? He considers having a beer with a guy friend for an hour or 2 not hanging out with his friends. I think hes got this all backwards.
It’s really starting to cause problems in our new marriage, to the point where im wondering if we made a mistake and are just not fundamentally right together. Im 29, hes 35 if that means anything.
Any advice? What’s a healthy amount of going out with friends a month when you’re married?
Post # 2
- Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris
How much time are you spending together? I think it’s important for you both to do the things you enjoy but also important to do things as a couple.
Its concerning that he was wasted and mean… at 35 he should have out grown those antics.
Sit down with him and try to find a compromise.
Post # 3
My husband and I are very independent people. We don’t need to do things together all the time. He has beers with his buddies all the time and it doesn’t bother me. But others may not be like that
Post # 4
Honestly I really wouldn’t care for my husband to go out three nights a week with friends. That seems like a lot. I would think once a week is probably normal. For the most part when DH and I go out with friend at night the other one tags along.
Post # 5
I would say definitely a night a week would be acceptable and healthy. Sorry you are going through this with him. Have you tried suggesting a designated ‘night’ like Fridays night is boys night? How does he receive this? You like active things…what about suggesting to go hiking with one of his buddies and his respective SO on a weekend?
Post # 6
I don’t know what is “normal.” DH and I do not have friends, so he never goes out. And if we do go somewhere with someone else, it would never be too late. We usually spend the late nights out together.
Normal is different for everyone. If your husband was always a late-night-out-with-friends-and-co-workers kind of guy, then maybe 3 times a week is normal for him. It’s okay if he goes out with his friends and co-workers, but it is not okay if he comes home and treats you terribly. You need to catch him at a good time to have a good ol’ sit-down talk.
Post # 7
Mls1988 : Did you live together before marriage? If you did was his going out habits the same?
If you didn’t live together was his going out habits the same?
Post # 8
cameobride : Its hard to say sometimes how much we spend “together.” We live in a condo community next door to 2 of his coworkers who are dating, so on the weekends we usually all hang at the pool or he goes and does something with the guy. I do like that, but honestly I also feel that everytime we do something DH has to invite someone else. Thats fine usually but sometimes I just would like alone time…
Other than that due to his job (i work form home) hes gone all day and then usually has a basketball/soccer/whatever sport his coaching or either a game. Hed get home weeknights 6 usually and game nights 8pm or so and goes to bed by 10.
So ive always felt our together time isnt really togethertime. Ive brought this up a lot..and what bothering me about the past few days is just his lack of consideration for me. Last night was supposed to be our “talk” night because I wanted to go over these issues and just get on the same page. He went out with a guy friend to catch up at 6 pm, said it would be just for an hour, then ends up at home around 9. I was really irritated. It’s things like that. Why show up on time to meet your guy friend but in that same sense have a disregard for me and come home 2 hours late?
It’s just creeping in my head lately that maybe were not right for each other. We have different ideas of what we think homelife is. I’m having a really hard time dicphering if this is normal newlywed issues or if we just arent compatible. It worries me Im having these thoughts this early in.
Post # 9
Mls1988 : Looking at your post history, you complained 10 mos ago about lack of date nights, another post about him gaining weight/ not working out. Your last post was about your neighbor knowing more about his Snapchat business than you. And now again with him going out too much.
Maybe it’s time for some counseling Bee???
Best of luck!!
Post # 10
j_jaye : We did live together and it did cause a few issues. I thought we had worked them out and I honestly thought it’d be better with marriage. Im not so sure anymore.
Drunken nights with his coworkers have always been awful and end in some kind of debacle. These happen about every 3 or 4 months..it literally makes me so anxious when I hear they are all going out because it has never ended well. Anyways- so yeah about every 3 or 4 months theres a bad night and huge issue..and other times its just him always going out.
Post # 11
beetruz13 : ha I knew that would get brought up. But yes…I think counseling may help but were still trying to get out finances in order and even with insurance that can add up quick.
Post # 12
Mls1988 : Good luck Bee! Wish you the best!
Post # 13
It sounds like he always socialised this much and you just expected him to go out less due to being married.
First, people don’t just change because they’re married.
Second, I don’t agree with the idea that there’s a limit on seeing other people or going out simply because you’re married.
The getting drunk and being mean to you is the problem here, not how many times he goes out in my opinion. 3 days out still leaves 4 days in. How many do you think is appropriate?
Post # 14
Get help now. I partied my ass off in my first marriage to avoid all of our issues to never have to face anything. When I did get fed up and plan something he’d invite his friends with us so nothing was ever about us. Obviously we had wayyyy more going on than just this alone but we never really dealt with our deflection mechanisms and I’m afraid this is spiraling into that. Put a stop to it now, require some quality personal time. and put everything on the table to discuss.
Post # 15
I would check out the book 10 conversations you must have before you get married by Guy Grenier. The 8th conversation is leisure time and talks about stuff like this. You guys have to find a balance between quality time together and time apart that respects both your wishes or it isn’t going to work. I had this issue in my last relationship before I got married, he always wanted to invite other people when we went out and wanted to have big get togethers every month or so. It just didn’t mesh with my style. It’s hard because changing what comes naturally is never easy. But you can make it work if you’re both willing to make it work.