Newlywed issues…How much going out is too much?

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
1281 posts
Bumble bee

zzar45 :  OP asked for our opinions for what we find to be normal in our own lives. And I gave my answer. Opinions aren’t true or untrue – they’re opinions. 

IN MY OPINION age is a factor b/c societally-speaking, a normally-adjusted guy would have grown out of the need to constantly be drinking and socializing. IN MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, people who need to spend that much time using a mind-altering substance (combined with the fact that he’s avoiding his marriage) are immature and under-developed. It’s not normal or healthy. 

You can have all the opinions you like about MY opinion, but that is my opinion anyways. 

Post # 33
870 posts
Busy bee

Sorry to hear this. I had a very similar issue with my ex-husband. It started pretty much right after we got married. He was also the type to have a lot of friends. He would tell me he was working late, would come home late smelling like booze. Sometimes he never bothered coming home. There were times I would go out looking for him because he wouldn’t answer calls or texts and I’d find his truck at one of his usual bars. I’ve gone in to find him laughing it up having a good ole time with his buddies. I would get upset and I’d look like the nagging wife. He would go out drinking, stay too long, and these said friends of his would call me to get him as he was too drunk to drive. It was a hot mess of a marriage. 

It ended up with me feeling like he chose his friends over me, which was true. He’d even bail on family parties to watch football with his buddies. I also know that him going out that much led to some infidelity on his end. 

We ended up separating and I divorced him, all for the better. 

I’d try to nip this behavior ASAP. 

Post # 34
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree there’s no age limit on socializing, but personally I’ve never considered going out and getting shitfaced to be socializing. It’s partying. I’m not understanding why it’s weird to think it’s unreasonable a 35 year old male should act like an adult and not a frat boy. Is he going to continue this behavior when/if you two decide to have children? 

Spending one or two happy hours a week with girlfriends is plenty for me, but I’ll admit that I do like being able to wake up early for my job and function like a normal human being. Also, people become busy with different things as they get older – the one or two happy hours a week is definitely not a regular occurrence because everyone I’m friends with is in a relationship or married, or has children, so priorities have shifted. 

I also agree with PP that you’d probably have more money for counseling to work on your relationship if your husband could cut down his bar tab a little.

Post # 35
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I agree with PP, but would just like to chime in as someone who works from home…Every time FI comes in from work, I’m there. Same when he goes to work. We have different days off sometimes, so when he’s off, you guessed it… I’m there.

It’s very important for him to have time to himself away from you. The getting drunk and being an ass is inexcusable, but make sure there is a good balance of him having time on his own at home without you as well as out with buddies. You do need to sit down and talk about it and establish a middle ground though as to what you BOTH think is acceptable and go from there. 

Post # 36
1281 posts
Bumble bee

As npoliver states, I’m not saying there should be an age limit on socializing. I’m 32 and socialize plenty. But drinking and socializing, and drinking to the point of being drunk and socializing 2-4 days a week every single week, all while avoiding your marriage – is immature for a man his age. It’s unhealthy at any age to drink that much, but more socially acceptable for younger, single people, obviously.  

Post # 37
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

abouttodoit17 :  wtf ..errr… like indicated in the comment, i suffer from insomnia and the place we stay at have no sound proof. I work in a very demanding job that requires full concentration and need sleep. Anyway people who make stupid rude comments like you wouldnt know lol

Post # 38
991 posts
Busy bee

duchessgummybunns : As npoliver states, I’m not saying there should be an age limit on socializing. I’m 32 and socialize plenty. But drinking and socializing, and drinking to the point of being drunk and socializing 2-4 days a week every single week, all while avoiding your marriage – is immature for a man his age. It’s unhealthy at any age to drink that much, but more socially acceptable for younger, single people, obviously.  

Where are you getting the information that he drinks to the point of being drunk 4 nights a week though, I don’t know why you keep mentioning this because OP hasn’t said that. 

Post # 39
3014 posts
Sugar bee

The problem is that OP’s DH is socializing so much that they rarely have any quality time together. I personally do think it’s kinda immature for a married 35 year old to need to spend so much time with his buddies (esp at the expense of seeing his wife), but I am pretty introverted so perhaps I just can’t relate.

But ultimately the real issue is that this guy is prioritizing his social life and buddies over his marriage. 

Post # 40
1281 posts
Bumble bee

whnlz :  Thanks for pointing that out – I clearly misread somewhere! After re-reading the OP and updates, I see that yeah, he is doing a lot of socializing that maybe doesn’t involve drinking (sports.)

Maybe the amount of socializing isn’t a huge deal in and of itself, but there does seem to be a great deal of immaturity and disrespect when you’re consistently placing socializing as a higher priority than cultivating your marriage, especially IN THE FACE of your wife’s distress.

And like I originally stated, the real problem is OP’s husband’s seeming lack of respect and empathy for her position. My SO socializes a great deal without me. Usually, I’m ok with that because I’m more introverted and need more down time anyways. But when I start to feel like I need more QT with him, I express that to him, and he responds by prioritizing me. And he certainly doesn’t say he’s going to be out for an hour and then stay out for 3 or 4. At least not without texting me about the change of plans. OP’s husband just seems immature and inconsiderate.

Post # 41
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Mls1988 :  I know everyone is different and has different social habits, but I’m sorry – this doesn’t sound normal to me. I feel like a husband, especially when you’re newlyweds, would prefer being with his wife over his friends. His behavior sounds like that of a single guy. 

Post # 42
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You’ve been married a few month – how long were you together before that?  Did you live together before getting married?

It sounds to me a lot like he is still trying to assert he is his own person regardless of being married.  I know women who’ve done this after becoming moms, worried their identity is lost in their ties to husband and children.  

35 is still an age where someone can over-party.  It’s not as often, and it may be due to having many unattached, single, younger friends.  What is the composition of your friends, his friends, joint friends?  Mostly married or mostly single?  30s? 20s?  He may be having some small mid-life issues, worried he is suddenly old, and fighting it by being overly worried about going out.  

This will change as time goes on, and so I think this is an issue that may correct itself given some time.  His own friends will not be as available to go out once they are in stable relationships, meaning he may end up home much more often.

Post # 43
977 posts
Busy bee

Well, first, when I was newly single at 38, I socialized several times a week with friends and it often involved a few drinks. It was very normal and healthy. Now that I am in a relationship I go out with friends maybe twice a week for dinner and drinks. It’s never been an issue and I can’t see why it ever would be. HOWEVER, if I came home and acted like a jackass to my BF you better believe it would be an issue. It wouldn’t matter if I went out 5 days a week or twice a year, it is never OK to treat your SO badly. I think that’s the first problem to deal with here. Aside from not tolerating bad behavior, I don’t control my BF (and won’t when he becomes my husband either), so I don’t really get to put a cap on how often and how late he goes out. What I am careful about is not being with a man who wants to go out every single night without me.

Post # 44
926 posts
Busy bee

I meet up with friends 1-2 times a week, some weeks even more; we meet for dinner, drinks (currently virgin for me as I’m preggo), movies, theatre, concerts etc.  Part of the frequency is because my husband recently started a very demanding job that gets him home really late most nights (like, 10PM+) and I don’t see why I should sit at home alone cleaning my dentures (despite being the ripe old age of 32).  But even before his job change, I prioritized meeting my friends regularly: maybe it is because I am so far away from my biological family, but I do consider some of my friends to be my extended family and being married does not make those relationships less important to me. All this is to say, I don’t think there is a “right” amount of nights to go out per week, it really depends on the couple’s dynamic.


My opinion on your situation:

– As I said above, I do prioritize spending time with my friends because they are important to me – but certainly not at the expense of my marriage.  I don’t know whether your situation is exacerbated because you work at home (which can be very isolating) but the real issue is that your husband seems to be prioritizing his friends over you.

– Your husband is unkind to you. I don’t care whether that happens sober or drunk, the problem is his rude behaviour.  Certainly, if it only happens when he is drunk, then he needs to cut back on drinking, but that is still a problem with his sober behaviour: if my husband was to tell me I was always/only rude to him after drinking, then I’d make the decision while sober to drink less because it makes me sad to think I am hurting his feelings.

Lastly, for you (and any not-yet-married Bees that might be reading this): marriage is not a panacea for your problems.  The person you are dating/engaged to is the same person you’ll be married to, so don’t assume marriage will fix anything. To be honest, it is a little hard to tell whether you have a compatibility problem or a communication problem, but I think therapy is a must.

Post # 45
88 posts
Worker bee

Mls1988 :  I don’t think going out 3 times a week is a problem if only for an hour or two. DH usually play soccer during the weekend (both saturday and sunday afternoon, I occasionally come to watch him play too, as he always invite me too). He rarely drink, so we go out for dinner/lunch instead, with friends. 

I think he goes out with his friends is fine, as long as the two of you have enough time to spend with each other. But if he prioritize his friends over you, I would be concern too.  

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