Newlywed & marriage is on the rocks *long post alert!*

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry.

I was in a similar situation, though I was married 7 years. My husband started pulling away, drinking, being secretive, not wanting to make future plans. In my case, he was cheating. He finally told me he wanted a divorce and was engaged to her within a few months. It was awful. If I had it to do over again, I would have initiated a separation when he first told me he didn’t feel the same about me. I stayed and hoped we could work it out, but all I did was torture myself.

The good news is that I remarried and I’m now the mother of two beautiful children. My second husband is sooooo much better for me, and I am so much happier. Though the divorce was devastating at the time, I’m grateful for it.

Don’t sell yourself short. This isn’t what a marriage is supposed to be like, and you deserve better.

Post # 32
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
togetherforever18 :  Wait, you’re only 26??

Oh my gosh bee. Divorce him. He basically told you getting married was a mistake and he isn’t willing to put in any effort to fix it because “it can’t be fixed”. Divorce him and go be happy.

Post # 33
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

He cancelled your effing honeymoon and has a secret sex spray.  What are you even doing waiting around for what’s next? 

Go on your honeymoon with a girlfriend.  Start making sure your accounts and money are safe and start planning YOUR next move because this is certainly not going to resolve itself.

Post # 35
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

(((HUGS)))

So sorry youre dealing with this. I think you need to assume the best and worst. Being married is a big transition, so some amount of internal adjustment is understandable. Some of his behaviors are very suspicious.

If I was you I would be taking steps to protect myself financially and emotionally, while also trying to give him the time and space and love to figure things out. The only answer as to what will ultimately happen is time. Thats an anxiety inducing answer, but live in a way that no matter what happens you feel good about YOU. If it works – you feel good for hanging in and working at it. If it fails – you feel good that you took some steps to protect yourself.

Have an open heart and open eyes. I really hope it works out for you!

Post # 38
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, this sounds exactly like my situation after 10 years of marriage. In my mind, my ex was the love of my life and the person I thought I would be with forever, no question. We met at 22 and were married at 27. I always felt so “lucky” to have found my love early in life and we never had any major problems in our relationship or marriage. All of the sudden, at 37, my ex became very depressed. He would lie on the couch all weekend, stopped cooking or doing chores, and, I later found out, he was going out at lunch while at work and drinking to excess. Once, he smashed a glass at a bar and friends had to take him out. Very, very unlike him. I tried everything to help. My thought was that if I only did the right things, he would stop being depressed and our marriage would get back on track. You can imagine how well that worked.

He then blindsided me by saying the problem was the marriage. He said he wasn’t depressed or going through a mid-life crisis, but that the marriage was the root of all his problems. In his words, he was not the “type of person to be married.” We went to counseling, but it was a waste of $150 an hour out of pocket. Counseling can work when both partners want to improve and stay in the marriage. It’s essentially useless when one partner has no intention of making it work, but is there to assuage his guilt. Like you, there were times when things seemed better and I would have hope. But if I mentioned it, he would look at me like I had two heads and say that nothing had changed, he felt the exact same way, and that it could never be fixed.

Divorce was devastating for me, but, surprisingly only for a short period of time. Within a year, I was feeling so much better and really started exploring my life. I think the pressure of trying to keep the marriage together by myself was so much that it was liberating to be free of that. I was genuinely loving my life when I met my now husband. I now realize what a favor my ex did for me by ending the marriage. It left me free to take care of myself and meet a wondeful man who is so much better for me than my ex ever was.

Anyway, my advice to you would be to not tiptoe around him trying to be perfect so that he chooses to stay in the relationship. You don’t need to be the “good girl,” so he doesn’t leave you. If he wants to, he will leave anyway and it won’t matter how much you twist yourself up in knots to keep him. Of course, you don’t want your marriage to end. That is totally normal, but don’t beg him for his love either. He is half of this relationship and needs to be equally invested in making it work, even if he doesn’t feel like it. Hold him up to the high standards you have for yourself and then decide if YOU want to continue in a relationship with someone who is doesn’t seem willing to try and canceled your honeymoon. Trust me, you will be just fine (and a lot better) without him if that’s what you choose.

Post # 39
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

Bee, he’s definitely having an affair. I’d kick him to the curb asap. This is not something that will just go away. You have some difficult decisions to make soon. You are still very young and will be happy again with someone who won’t cheat.

Post # 40
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

 

View original reply
togetherforever18 :  He never admitted to cheating, but it was pretty obvious when he became engaged almost immediately after our separation. His wedding was ~5 months after our divorce became final, so a lot of his wedding planning happened while he was still legally married to me.  That must have been awkward for his new bride.

He told me he didn’t feel the same way about me in early September, and then said he wanted a divorce for sure around Thanksgiving. So, all in all, it was just a few months. But they were HORRIBLE months. After he asked for the divorce, he asked if we could still live together until he finished grad school (would have been 6-7 more months). Stupid me originally agreed, but I ended up kicking him out a month or so later. It was pure torture living with someone who had rejected me and shattered my heart. So, don’t do that! πŸ™‚

Do not fear being an older mom. It is actually awesome! I had my first at 36 and my second at 38. I would not change a thing. I conceived my first almost immediately (she was born 11 months after my second wedding). My second took 8 cycles, but it did happen naturally. Both pregnancies were healthy, went to full term and my kids are healthy and happy! They are perfect and I am so glad to be their mom.

I separated from my first husband at 31. Started dating my second husband at 33 and married him at 35. At 26, you’ve got SO MUCH TIME, so don’t worry about that in the least.

Best wishes to you! Onwards and upwards! πŸ™‚

Post # 41
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Parts of your story are ringing some bells for me too, and my money is on a case of cold feet that has been exacerbated into more serious uncertainty due to infidelity with the female coworker. My guess, based on my own experience, is that he started having some doubts months ago. Maybe not anything serious at first. Maybe he was stressed by work and the wedding planning, and at some point the two of you had a disagreement or he otherwise wasn’t super happy with you in the moment (justified or not).

So he turns to this female coworker he has become friendly with. She’s supportive of him and tells him what a great guy he is. He gets all that energy and validation that comes from a new relationship with someone who doesn’t have the baggage of dealing with his crap for years. So his doubt grows and his mind wanders. 

May have just been emotional infidelity so far, but if he stays in close proximity of her, it’s a slippery slope to physical cheating. And he won’t get past his doubt about you if he still has her stroking his ego. The sex spray suggests physical cheating, but I’ve learned not to underestimate guys when it comes to weird masturbation habits, so who knows what he’s actually doing with it. 

Counselling might be an option if you think someone can successfully talk through this situation with him. But many people “don’t believe in” emotional infidelity, and it’s hard to get them to acknowledge the harmful effects of an inappropriate relationship if there wasn’t physical cheating. 

I’d suggest getting your ducks in a row even if you want to try to ride this out for awhile. You need to get to the point where you feel like you can leave, so that you don’t stay just because you don’t think you have another option.

Finally, even if this is just a funk and he gets over it and stops talking to the coworker, this will change how you feel about him and the relationship even if you stay with him. I recommend therapy for yourself to deal with the feelings that come with that.

Post # 42
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I’m worried I’ll be an old mum or I may not be able to have kids.. and I’m so scared”

That’s just not going to happen. You have many years to have kids and there is no reason to think you won’t be able to have them or that you won’t meet anyone. The most likely scenario is that you will meet someone much more suited for you and who is invested in your relationship and will have children, no problem. Don’t let fear take over.

Post # 43
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh honey, I am sorry. πŸ™ 

I’ve seen this scenario play out more than once as I’m a 37 year old, and it’s happened to me and friends as well. Get together young, then after several years, the partner’s guy or girl gets restless, and realizes that THIS IS IT for the rest of their life. No traveling around the world with a backpack, saving the planet, racing car for a living, just their everyday 9-5 and house/kids/2 week vacation. Not that they would necessarily DO those things, but that they don’t see the possibility of their life as anything but mundane and the same old same old. They slip into a funk of drinking too much, disconnecting from the partner and connecting to someone else, proclaiming their boredom, all that. 

Sure, scenarios change here and there, as do reasons, but give or take a few things, and it’s all but it’s all pretty much the same reasons and outcome, as other posters mentioned as well.

And sadly, as the partner, there is nothing you can do if they won’t let you help them get back to a better place. It’s all on them and their willingness and ability to let you in. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about you or love you, it’s that they aren’t content with themselves for WHATEVER reason. 

Post # 44
Member
3141 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Am I understanding correctly that when the two of you started dating, you were only 18 but he was well into his 20s? How much older is he than you?

I get that big age gaps work out just fine for some people, but I am always pretty suspect about a grown ass adult shacking up with a teenager. 

Did he tend to date girls significantly younger than him before you? 

Post # 45
Member
42 posts
Newbee

Long time lurker here, but I just needed to comment on this to offer advice/support because this is basically what happened to me.  I started dating my ex-husband at 19, got married at 22, divorced at 27 (he walked out 4 years into our marriage).  He left me for a “work friend”.  After he walked out, for two months he made me believe that things could be worked on, he bailed on a family trip (which was fine, I took the portion I got refunded back for him and had a great time with our daughter and the rest of my family, his loss).  Once I got back from that trip, BAM, s**t hit the fan and suddenly he “didn’t want to work on it”, “I was the problem” blah blah blah. Every excuse in the book except for the main one.  He was having an affair, and had been having an emotional affair for months before he actually left.  He “suffered through Christmas” and “pretending to be a good husband” for months before he left.  It was awful.  I felt every single emotion in the book on a daily basis.  Even though I fought to save my marriage, ultimately I was the one who filed for divorce because I refused to allow someone to treat me the way he was, and I was tired of being the “good docile wife” in order to try to win him back.

OP, you need to look at what YOU need and want.  Do you want to be content with stupid excuses and someone who barely tries or tries when it’s convenient for him? You deserve so much better.  You are still young.  I had always envisioned myself having my kids before 30 (I would like to have 2 or 3).  That’s now not happening. I’ll be having 2 and 3 hopefully after I’m 30, which is fine by me. I never envisioned getting a divorce, I don’t think anyone does.  I have my daughter, and she is the one of the only reasons I will not regret my marriage to my ex. The other reason is that I learned a lot about what I absolutely refuse to accept in a relationship anymore.  Please do your best to take some time for yourself to think about these things.  It is okay to feel all the emotions your feeling, but recognize that it’s also okay to seek help if it’s needed.  Emotional affairs (even if it’s not on her end) are just as damaging as physical affairs to relationships and the person betrayed.  I suffered through months of wondering what I did wrong and a lot of insecurities before realizing that nothing I did or didn’t do as a wife warranted what he put me through. You deserve a lot better OP. 

You will find someone who thinks that all your little quirks and flaws are worth working for and loving.  Someone who won’t give you half truths and lame excuses.  Someone who won’t make you question your relationship.  I did.  I ended up reconnecting with someone who I dated in high school through all this, and what started out as a friendship turned into us realizing that we would like to give it another go.  He was a wonderful boyfriend in HS, and he’s a fantastic fiance now.  He loves my daughter like his own but still respects her relationship with her father.  All the “problems” my ex had with my personailty my fiance doesn’t mind.  He communicates with me, and will work with me to fix something if it needs fixing.  We have never had the same argument twice, and I have never been treated better.  Me realizing I deserved better from what my ex did led me to finding what that better was.  But it started out with me doing it by myself.  And whatever you decide to do you will be ok because you decided it for YOU and nobody else. Sending you love Bee, I’m very sorry you have to go through this. 

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