(Closed) Newlywed mistake?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Hostess
14005 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I am so sorry this is happening to you. There’s definitely something wrong—it sounds like you’re spending too much time apart and you aren’t getting the intimacy that you need.

I’m not saying it’s a mistake because I’m in no place to know that. For your sake, I hope it’s not a mistake.

I know it’s easier said than done, but you guys need to have a serious talk. Pronto. You shouldn’t be miserable. The two of you shouldn’t be spending all of your “alone time” apart. A newlywed couple should want to be intimate.

I’m not saying life is doomed, I’m just saying that there’s a problem and you two need to figure out what it is together so that you can address it and ultimately be happy!

Post # 5
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hmmm. He’s not showering or brushing his teeth without being prompted by you? Could he be depressed? That could also be why he is not interested in sex.

Post # 6
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

The two of you really need to discuss this before it becomes a bigger issue. Your situation seems so extreame, you not only got married but moved to a completely new place where you can’t seem to do anything. That’s no fun at all! It doesn’t seem like your hubby is very understanding of that at the moment. Try to explain to him how your feeling. And before you make a huge step with anything in your relationship maybe take a trip home for a week or 2??? Visit with your family and friends and get happy again, b/c it doesn’t seem like you are. Then once you have a clear head about things you can make a more informed decision.

Post # 7
Hostess
14005 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@MellowPossum: Cleanliness is a big part of being intimate. Is there a reason he’s developed these less-than-desirable habits? Can you “entice” him into being cleaner? Can you shower together beforehand?

On a deeper level, his hygiene may reflect his own lack of desire, which is indicative of a bigger problem than just lack of intimacy. Usually, lack of intimacy is a symptom of something else going on, physically, emotionally, etc. Any ideas what could be going on? That may be what you have to talk about.

Post # 9
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I wouldn’t jump on the idea that it would be best to spend some time apart without trying to talk with him about all this first. Honestly, it sounds like you two are pretty distant from one another even though you are under the same roof. I’m not sure separate countries would necessarily repair that.

He sounds like he could be depressed about something if he is not taking care of himself. See if you can (gently) address that first.

Post # 10
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Y’all need to talk about all of this and maybe in front of a counselor would be best.  I understand that y’all have to live with his parents right now, but is there any plan to move out soon and be on y’all’s own?  As for not being friends with his friends I can understand that.  Are you located close to a town center that you can bike to?  If so maybe you can poke around and see what clubs meet there, maybe a running club or sewing club?  Are you on good terms with his mom, maybe she can introduce you to the daughters of her friends.  Moving away from friends and family is hard enough without the added stress of a relationship.  The two of you really need to sit down and talk and lay out some guidelines for the future.  Let him know that you want him to be cleaner (really hadn’t brushed his teeth in four days!)  and ask him what you can do to help the transisition.  Everything is a two way street so you may have to hangout with the friends you don’t like every once in awhile so he will do something for you.  Good luck!!!!

Post # 13
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Don’t bring it up before he goes out. He could easily spin it as “she just doesn’t want me going out tonight.” And it’s a way bigger issue than that. Wait until you have more time to properly discuss this with him.

*Plus if you bring it up tonight and he still chooses to go out afterward, I have the feeling you will be left behind & feeling devastated.

Post # 14
Hostess
14005 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@MellowPossum: I understand your frustrations, and you’re right—you shouldn’t have to ask him to take care of his own cleanliness.

Based solely on what you’ve told us, it sounds like this is something you can work on together. Being physically active can help anyone’s desire level because it makes you feel more energetic and releases feel-good endorphins into your system. As a bonus, if you exercise together, you may both be able to shape up a bit and feel a little better about yourselves which can only increase your happiness.

My FI and I recently decided to start going on more walks together and we’re thinking of doing the Couch to 5K plan together. We see it as something fun and active to do together, and if it makes us healthier, then great!

Also, I agree with previous posters that it’d be great for you to find some of your own things to do while he’s away. It’s so much harder on you when you’re home by yourself all day. Maybe if you’re both apart all day, you’ll find more satisfaction and pleasure in your evenings together at home?

Like I said, this is all just based on what you told us. I’m so curious now to see what your husband thinks of all this!

Post # 15
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Also, try not to be alone in the house tonight if you can. Is there a nearby coffeeshop you can bring a book to and relax for a bit or something like that? I know when something is bothering me and my husband is out (usually he doesn’t even know I am upset) it’s 10x worse if I sit home alone. All I do is obsess over what’s upsetting me.

Post # 16
Hostess
14005 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@Edina: I’m the exact same way!

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