Newlywed—second thoughts-We can not have a conversation without arguing

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

TraceeG77:  So you basically knew that you were marrying someone who is emotionally unstable and financially unstable, then still did because people can change?

1. you differ in how you spend money

2. you differ in how you earn money

3. you differ on your goals for your lives

4. he is unhappy with you being more stable financially & professionally than he is

5. he flies off the handle whenever you try to talk about anything serious

 

This points to a whole lot of issues. What does he spend all of his (and your) money on? Based on his reaction, it’s probably something that he’d rather you not know about.

 

Can you recover as a couple from this? Yes, but not without a whole lot of work.

Post # 3
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

TraceeG77:  

 

Sounds like this was a relationship that wasn’t working so instead of breaking up you got married.

Like PP said people can have differences but yours seem to be in very key subjects ( ones that need to be in sync to have a sucessful marriage)

You two will have to commit to some serious changes in your marriage and work on coming to a middle ground that you both can live with.

Post # 5
Member
666 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I really just want to say that you two have way too many major issues to be able to work it out but I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear so counseling? Love is not enough to make a marriage work, EVER but especially not when you can’t communicate and have different goals and values and when you can’t agree about money.

You need to sit him down somehow and let him know that you have major issues that you need to work out. The first one being learning how to communicate effectively. And let him know that you have to be on the same page with regards to commiting to working through your issues, and it will be a lot of work. You can’t sustain a marriage if you can’t communicate or make any decisions together. That is just not feasible, no matter how much fun you have otherwise. You can’t sustain a marriage if one party cannot get their concerns heard or if one partner is not willing to work at the relationship.

I am very sorry, girl. You are in a tight, tight spot. I honestly can’t see how this can be saved unless he has a personality transplant, apparently.

Post # 6
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

Agreed with all of these posters. If he can’t communicate with you in way that you feel heard or respected, whatever you’re feeling now will eclipse any positive feelings you have for him. Every argument will become about the big issue. Every interaction will end in resentment. If he doesn’t want to address this major issue with you, then you will have to walk away. 

Post # 8
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

TraceeG77:  Did you just get married this month? If so, why on earth would marry him when you’re having these kinds of communication issues? I am honestly just trying to understand.

Post # 9
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

While I am not against leaving if the situation is bad enough, I think counseling would be a good step in this situation!  Communication issues and money issues are both extremely common in marriages, so a counselor can help you to at least start working on things.  I’d also recommend reading the book “When she makes more.”  Women breadwinners are getting increasingly common and there’s lots of good advice in that book.

Post # 10
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

People don’t just magically change because they got married. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I’m kind of baffled about why you married this jerk in the first place.

You also mentioned annullment, but those aren’t super easy to get, just FYI.

Post # 11
Member
1084 posts
Bumble bee

TraceeG77:  and you didn’t notice any of these traits while you were dating? You didn’t ask and explore fundamental issues such as money management prior? You got married and just hoped for the best?

thats what dating is about. Not just love but to see if you are compatable 

Post # 12
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

How in the world are you making more $ than him if you’re a PhD student?!? None of my cohort or even the students in the program with a major a endowment make more than $30k a year. 

Anyhow, the lack of ambition and maturity at his age would be a deal-breker for me. I say cut your losses. He seems like Boyfriend or Best Friend material, not H material.

Post # 13
Member
5593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Couples therapy.. asap. Communication is key for any relationship.  This will take work and many sessions of therapy. 

Post # 14
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

did you guys go for a marriage prep course? i think counselling would be good. 

Post # 15
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: Local Resort

I hate to say this, but why did you marry him? Were you sold a bill of goods?  There is a matter of saying you want something, then moving forward and doing it.

The problem with this entire scenario is that you are allowing this behavior.  This is way beyond give and take.

Pack his shit, change the locks and let him know when he’s ready to have a grown up conversation that you’re ready to talk.  If not, he’s going to be the same person you already know him to be.  You don’t have to ask a bunch of women on the internet that.

Stop lying to yourself and face facts-demand these things or it’s all downhill from here.

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