Post # 1
First let me say that I love my husband. I love him very much. BUT I am starting to think that love is not enough for a successful marriage.
One of our major issue is communication. He is hot headed and tends to yell, even when he is not angry when he talks his excitement (in anything) it..Is a lot. That has always been an issue. When we discuss anything I say can we talk without you yelling. Ok….he is never willing to compromise if anything is not about what he wants for 15 minutes it becomes a problem to the point that he slams doors and storms out like…a child! There is an age difference, I am 6 years his senior he is 28 I am 34. We are very different, our up-bringing, views on finances, education, career, planning- everything! But in the beginning we clicked, it was fun, he makes me laugh but when it is time for a serious adult conversation he cuts me off saying “alright damn” I can’t stand it. It makes me feel as if what I have to say is not important to him. We ended up getting married at the court house (not what I wanted AT ALL) because we argued constantly about wedding plans. Now that we are married, the arguments continue all of the time about everything. It bothers him that I make a significant amount more than he does, so money is always an issue. We opened a joint account- I make more so I deposit more. We both have cards, he needed money and took most of it-the majority was what I put in, did not tell me and did not put it back-he said he thought he would have it before I found out. I knew that he was bad with money when we met, he would spend everything he had and have to borrow from me until he got paid again, I told him that I would help him budget and save better. I know many people that are “bad with money” so I did not really see that as a character flaw. He just needs money management skills, however, despite my handholding he still is terrible with money so I deposit far less in the joint account than I use to, I have separate accounts. When financial issues arise, and we have to discuss household finances, it is ALWAYS an argument, not a spat or heated discussion, it is yelling and cursing and leaving (all him). On a calm day he said he gets mad because he feels that I can do better than him and it makes him feel inferior because he cannot contribute to the house like I can. But in all honesty I don’t pressure him to meet me half way financially because I know that he cannot right now.
I’m a PhD student, my goals and ambitions are far different from his, when we were dating he made it seem as if he had goals, not necessarily educational goals, but financial and career goals…nothing-he has made no effort to grow in any aspect! I’m becoming frustrated. I cry almost every day (in tears as I write this) there is no abuse, our sex life is great, we have fun together most of the time, he helps out around the house and financially for the most part (he came into the relationship with nothing -I assumed it was because he had relocated and was trying to get it together-nope he had nothing before relocating) He is so grateful for me, he cried saying his vows to me and on our honeymoon he got teary saying that he never thought he would be so happy….he is happy but I’m not WE CAN NOT HAVE A CONVERSATION and it drives me insane.
Sorry so long-help please.
Post # 2
TraceeG77: So you basically knew that you were marrying someone who is emotionally unstable and financially unstable, then still did because people can change?
1. you differ in how you spend money
2. you differ in how you earn money
3. you differ on your goals for your lives
4. he is unhappy with you being more stable financially & professionally than he is
5. he flies off the handle whenever you try to talk about anything serious
This points to a whole lot of issues. What does he spend all of his (and your) money on? Based on his reaction, it’s probably something that he’d rather you not know about.
Can you recover as a couple from this? Yes, but not without a whole lot of work.
Post # 3
Sounds like this was a relationship that wasn’t working so instead of breaking up you got married.
Like PP said people can have differences but yours seem to be in very key subjects ( ones that need to be in sync to have a sucessful marriage)
You two will have to commit to some serious changes in your marriage and work on coming to a middle ground that you both can live with.
Post # 4
nadnuk: Thank you for your response. it is not that I dont know what he spends on, he is trying to start a business which is a work in progress. My issue is that he never wants to discuss anything when I ask anything simple stuff-what do you need the money for, how is the class going anything, he “nuts up” and says i ask too many questions. Im a communicator, always have been and it is difficult for me when he cuts me off as if what I have to say does not matter. I hear him out yelling and cursing and all. But he does not do the same I am very mild mannered-not timid-but calm so the way he responds is hard for me. His mother told me that he has always been that way-he knows everything-but —idk it is frustrating. I am to the point of wanting to get it annuled.
Post # 5
I really just want to say that you two have way too many major issues to be able to work it out but I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear so counseling? Love is not enough to make a marriage work, EVER but especially not when you can’t communicate and have different goals and values and when you can’t agree about money.
You need to sit him down somehow and let him know that you have major issues that you need to work out. The first one being learning how to communicate effectively. And let him know that you have to be on the same page with regards to commiting to working through your issues, and it will be a lot of work. You can’t sustain a marriage if you can’t communicate or make any decisions together. That is just not feasible, no matter how much fun you have otherwise. You can’t sustain a marriage if one party cannot get their concerns heard or if one partner is not willing to work at the relationship.
I am very sorry, girl. You are in a tight, tight spot. I honestly can’t see how this can be saved unless he has a personality transplant, apparently.
Post # 6
Agreed with all of these posters. If he can’t communicate with you in way that you feel heard or respected, whatever you’re feeling now will eclipse any positive feelings you have for him. Every argument will become about the big issue. Every interaction will end in resentment. If he doesn’t want to address this major issue with you, then you will have to walk away.
Post # 7
Thank you all for your responses, you were saying what I was feeling. I was caught up in the feelings. I know that he loves me no doubt about and I really just hoped that he would become better about how he communicates with me.
Post # 8
TraceeG77: Did you just get married this month? If so, why on earth would marry him when you’re having these kinds of communication issues? I am honestly just trying to understand.
Post # 9
While I am not against leaving if the situation is bad enough, I think counseling would be a good step in this situation! Communication issues and money issues are both extremely common in marriages, so a counselor can help you to at least start working on things. I’d also recommend reading the book “When she makes more.” Women breadwinners are getting increasingly common and there’s lots of good advice in that book.
Post # 10
People don’t just magically change because they got married. I’m sorry you’re in this situation but I’m kind of baffled about why you married this jerk in the first place.
You also mentioned annullment, but those aren’t super easy to get, just FYI.
Post # 11
TraceeG77: and you didn’t notice any of these traits while you were dating? You didn’t ask and explore fundamental issues such as money management prior? You got married and just hoped for the best?
thats what dating is about. Not just love but to see if you are compatable
Post # 12
How in the world are you making more $ than him if you’re a PhD student?!? None of my cohort or even the students in the program with a major a endowment make more than $30k a year.
Anyhow, the lack of ambition and maturity at his age would be a deal-breker for me. I say cut your losses. He seems like Boyfriend or Best Friend material, not H material.
Post # 13
Couples therapy.. asap. Communication is key for any relationship. This will take work and many sessions of therapy.
Post # 14
did you guys go for a marriage prep course? i think counselling would be good.
Post # 15
I hate to say this, but why did you marry him? Were you sold a bill of goods? There is a matter of saying you want something, then moving forward and doing it.
The problem with this entire scenario is that you are allowing this behavior. This is way beyond give and take.
Pack his shit, change the locks and let him know when he’s ready to have a grown up conversation that you’re ready to talk. If not, he’s going to be the same person you already know him to be. You don’t have to ask a bunch of women on the internet that.
Stop lying to yourself and face facts-demand these things or it’s all downhill from here.