awww Bee, this calls for some major hugs for you.
Im trying to be as kind and gentle as possible because 1. You need it, 2. You’re always kind to others on these boards and 3. I try to be kind to those in trouble. But it might sound a bit harsh, ok?
Every post you write has been prefaced with your DH’s difficult life story. I’m not sure if you do it to remind yourself of his previous difficulties to elicit sympathy in your heart for him, or if you do it to elicit the same response in your readers. You know whose story I never read though? Yours. Why? Why don’t I ever read ‘your’ side/story/explanation of why you acted/felt the way you did?
You seem like a kind and caring person who is in a relationship with a difficult man. You’ve had tremendous patience with him and have tried to be both sympathetic and empathetic with his problems relating to people and you in particular.
You’re getting understandably tired though.
You’re also fighting a battle you’ve already lost before you even began fighting. I call it the ‘tunnel vision that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy’ deal. Your DH had decided that love means abandonment and pain a very long time before he met you. He’s evolved enough to realize that that’s one of his biggest fears in life. He can now even express it. He HASNT realized though that he now CREATES the circumstances that lead to his being left. He hasn’t realized that he treats you as though you’re leaving him EVERY DAY so you’ve been doubling and redoubling and tripling your efforts to show him that’s not you! But he keeps treating you that way and like I said, you’re getting understandably tired. If you say that though, it would confirm his fears right? And if you don’t, eventually you’ll be drained dry and won’t have a choice except to leave him which will confirm his fears too. See why it’s a lost battle?
Theres hope though. Get out of the dynamic. Stop doubling and redoubling your efforts to appease him and to meet his childhood needs. Be the adult and speak to him like an adult so he has no choice except to become an adult as well or leave you the fuck alone to find someone who will appreciate your love and patience.
Calmly sit down with him and tell him that you’ve realized he’s slacking in several areas of your marriage. Repeatedly say that you expect your HUSBAND, a MAN, your PARTNER to not let you do all of the work. Say the words “you are not a child and I am not your mother. Children get dogs and promise to take care of them but then parents end up doing that for them. Children get fed and then they leave the table and parents take care of it. A husband doesn’t do that to his wife. Adults agree upon chores and then do them even when they don’t like them or want to.” Etc. Then tell him that you’ve realized that he’s got a lot of anger from NOT being taken care of as a child but ask him if he’s realized that he’s asking you with his actions to ‘mother’ him. Tell him you don’t want to be a ‘mother’ to him because you will lose all sexual and intellectual attraction for him, he will become a burden to you and he will naturally end up seeing you as a nag, filled with expectations, a bore and not the woman he fell in love with.
This is what YOU have to remember though Bee: loving someone does not mean you put up with all of their shit. Loving someone means you clean up your own shit as much as possible so the other person doesn’t have to live/eat/sleep/fuck in it. Being loved by someone means they love you even when you miss a few drops of explosive diarrhea here and there and overlooking the OCCASIONAL ‘poopsplosion.’
You, my dear have been loving him the way we love our infants: by making their shit pretty much our own. We celebrate it, clean it, talk about it to other people, keep track if it, have it under our fingernails and in other stray places, smell it, get coated in it sometimes…get the picture?
You have every right to ask your husband to deal with his shit like a grown up. Start treating him like an adult. That means not going with him for donuts because you’re afraid he might (s)/hit the car.