(Closed) Newlywed Seeking Advice

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Wow, not even 10 comments in and someone is already saying your husband is abusing you and the dog. I understand people being concerned for others but anytime a bee comes for advice everyone grabs their pitchforks. It really lessens the severity of people who are actually being abused.

Anyways, your husband pulled a very bratty move. I admit I can be bratty sometimes with my husband and then look back like “wtf was I thinking?” Who hasn’t especially during a fight. Obviously he has issues that stem from his childhood and thankfully he is aware and is seeing someone. Maybe him going to counseling has reignited some of those memories and maybe that’s why he has been acting childish. I would sit him down and ask him if there’s a way he can talk to his therapist about how to responsibly handle his anger in the heat of the moment. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, it sounds like you are overly stressed and he’s not helping you manage. He faced a lot of tough times in his childhood, he definitely didn’t have anyone to teach him how to keep up with household chores. Hell, even my Mother-In-Law didn’t teach any of her boys to clean. After almost 5 years of living together he’s gotten a lot better, not perfect, but he’s made a huge progress with helping clean. I always joke that men are like puppies, they can be trained.

But in all honesty, only you can determine if you want to stay with him. Hugs!

Post # 17
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

 You say not to be harsh, he’s not horrible etc- but even if you want to stand by him and be there for him, at the very least please do not start planning a family with this man. It’s very alarming that he wouldn’t let the puppy out to pee because it’s ‘his’ puppy and he irrationally thought you were leaving him and taking the puppy when all you were doing was taking the puppy for a walk. That’s abusive (to you and the puppy) and controlling. It’s good he’s in therapy but this also isn’t an environment you want to bring a baby into. 

And I’m not saying this to be harsh, but please don’t allow his past to make excuses for his present. Yes it does sound like he had a rough time and a lot of upheaval in his life, and I do understand the damage this can do to a person- but if he’s going to get himself into a better place with this therapy it’s essential that he take adult responsibilty for his behaviour. If he’s seen a lot of dysfunction and abuse in his life, he needs to work to break the pattern, not repeat it. And the incidences you describe are worryingly closer to repeating it. 

Post # 18
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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railroaderwifeyxo :  awww Bee, this calls for some major hugs for you.

Im trying to be as kind and gentle as possible because 1. You need it, 2. You’re always kind to others on these boards and 3. I try to be kind to those in trouble. But it might sound a bit harsh, ok?

Every post you write has been prefaced with your DH’s difficult life story. I’m not sure if you do it to remind yourself of his previous difficulties to elicit sympathy in your heart for him, or if you do it to elicit the same response in your readers. You know whose story I never read though? Yours. Why? Why don’t I ever read ‘your’ side/story/explanation of why you acted/felt the way you did? 

You seem like a kind and caring person who is in a relationship with a difficult man. You’ve had tremendous patience with him and have tried to be both sympathetic and empathetic with his problems relating to people and you in particular. 

You’re getting understandably tired though. 

You’re also fighting a battle you’ve already lost before you even began fighting. I call it the ‘tunnel vision that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy’ deal. Your DH had decided that love means abandonment and pain a very long time before he met you. He’s evolved enough to realize that that’s one of his biggest fears in life. He can now even express it. He HASNT realized though that he now CREATES the circumstances that lead to his being left. He hasn’t realized that he treats you as though you’re leaving him EVERY DAY so you’ve been doubling and redoubling and tripling your efforts to show him that’s not you! But he keeps treating you that way and like I said, you’re getting understandably tired. If you say that though, it would confirm his fears right? And if you don’t, eventually you’ll be drained dry and won’t have a choice except to leave him which will confirm his fears too. See why it’s a lost battle?

Theres hope though. Get out of the dynamic. Stop doubling and redoubling your efforts to appease him and to meet his childhood needs. Be the adult and speak to him like an adult so he has no choice except to become an adult as well or leave you the fuck alone to find someone who will appreciate your love and patience. 

Calmly sit down with him and tell him that you’ve realized he’s slacking in several areas of your marriage. Repeatedly say that you expect your HUSBAND, a MAN, your PARTNER to not let you do all of the work. Say the words “you are not a child and I am not your mother. Children get dogs and promise to take care of them but then parents end up doing that for them. Children get fed and then they leave the table and parents take care of it. A husband doesn’t do that to his wife. Adults agree upon chores and then do them even when they don’t like them or want to.” Etc. Then tell him that you’ve realized that he’s got a lot of anger from NOT being taken care of as a child but ask him if he’s realized that he’s asking you with his actions to ‘mother’ him. Tell him you don’t want to be a ‘mother’ to him because you will lose all sexual and intellectual attraction for him, he will become a burden to you and he will naturally end up seeing you as a nag, filled with expectations, a bore and not the woman he fell in love with.

This is what YOU have to remember though Bee: loving someone does not mean you put up with all of their shit. Loving someone means you clean up your own shit as much as possible so the other person doesn’t have to live/eat/sleep/fuck in it. Being loved by someone means they love you even when you miss a few drops of explosive diarrhea here and there and overlooking the OCCASIONAL ‘poopsplosion.’ 

You, my dear have been loving him the way we love our infants: by making their shit pretty much our own. We celebrate it, clean it, talk about it to other people, keep track if it, have it under our fingernails and in other stray places, smell it, get coated in it sometimes…get the picture? 

You have every right to ask your husband to deal with his shit like a grown up. Start treating him like an adult. That means not going with him for donuts because you’re afraid he might (s)/hit the car. 

Post # 19
Member
3529 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I’m sorry, bee.  I know he’s been through a lot in his life and is trying to deal with it, but you have to take care of yourself.  This sounds incredibly unhealthy for you.  You can’t save everyone, and you shouldn’t have to.

Post # 21
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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younikkitome :  Please don’t dismiss people’s concern for OP and her puppy as ‘grabbing pitchforks’. Her husband’s actions *are* red flags of abusive behaviour, not ‘bratty’. 

And no, saying it’s abusive does NOT lessen the severity of abuse. You don’t diminish what someone is going through simply because someone else has it worse.

Post # 23
Member
7085 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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railroaderwifeyxo :  If you love him and you want to try to see this through, I recommend holding off TTC and attending couples therapy together.  You debate leaving him and you are seriously busy with EVERYTHING around the house.  What would it be like if you bring a child into this?

Take a step back and work on the relationship. 

Post # 25
Member
4679 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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MrsHarryDresden :  holy shit. This is SPOT ON. Beautiful way to word it and just so. True. 

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railroaderwifeyxo :  bee the bottom line is you deserve better than what you’re getting. You really seem like a great girl and you should be happy and living a blissful life with your DH. No one is perfect and I am not pretending my relationship is, but all I know is there is so much more to life and love than what he is giving you. If counseling and therapy is helping he needs to continue it, and I don’t usually like ultimatums but in this case moving forward, if he is not working hard every day to be better than you know what you need to do,

Post # 26
Member
7085 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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railroaderwifeyxo :  You honestlsy don’t need to give it a timeline, dear.  I have issues with DH too.  Clinical anxiety, abusive mother, absent father… It’s been a rollercoaster for the past 4.5 years.  You will get through this if you both want to, I promise <3  Just look for a good time, create a relaxed situation, and be calm and rational with him.  He has to know you struggle.

I also recommend giving him time to breathe after things like what happened with texting/driving.  If he had to go out to get coffee, he honestly just needed a break and didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of your parents.  My DH had a horrible anxiety attack at my father’s wedding a year ago.  It was horrible to deal with.. I missed the wedding photos. But my father understood when DH would have to go for a 30 minute walk and miss most of dinner because I explained it in a way that my dad could be understanding.  

Now DH is on medication, super relaxed, few to no anxiety attacks.  I should mention it took me telling him that I don’t see us having a future together, in a calm/relaxed conversation, to work on our communication.

 

Best of luck, Bee <3

Post # 28
Member
355 posts
Helper bee

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railroaderwifeyxo :  your husband sounds like my ex husband so much. Even the not working nearly as much and not helping around the house and the dog. But at least he’s in therapy, mine refused. My best advice is to put your foot down and follow through with your boundaries. Good job on calling him out on the PA dog comment. But I personally don’t think you should have gone to the movies, that just reinforces that he can cry a little and be immediately forgiven. 

I believe your relationship is saleable, but please be careful moving forward. Therapy and SINCERE effort from you both is necessary. My husband eventually escalated to emotional manipulation and verbal abuse. He saved the physical violence for when I left.

Post # 29
Member
9120 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Is he in counseling? I think the best thing you two could do is a) individual counseling so he can address and remedy his family of origin issues and b) then after a while, marital counseling to improve your communication and conflict patterns. 

Frankly, I would make this a deal breaker or you move out and move towards divorce. This is so unhealthy and unsustainable  

Oh and a Housecleaner is the bomb. I have one who comes every two weeks and it resolved SOOOO many fights about cleaning. My husband is still a slob (grrr) but at least we don’t also have to worry about sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, etc. If you have one of those local Facebook buy/sell groups, you could ask on there. You can find someone who will do it for like $15/hr. So worth it!

Eta: oh I saw he’s in counseling. Good, keep it up. I second MrsHarryDresden’s post 100%. At some point, you need to protect yourself and he needs to know it’s time to step up or else. Hugs!

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