(Closed) Newlywed Seeking Advice

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

MrsHarryDresden :  and Cheeky77: yes. +100

 

 

 

railroaderwifeyxo :  There is a reason they say love is not enough. A marriage is no more than the sum of two people’s daily efforts. 

Youre adding more into the pot to compensate, and that’s your choice. Of course it shouldn’t be tit for that, but it should be mutual. 

The problem with childhood trauma as a reason for crap behavior is not that the trauma isn’t real or people don’t care. It’s that compassion and empathy for the trauma can’t change what a person is contributing today and most importantly, you can’t love the pain away or heal him with kindness. Only he can heal himself.

 

 

I suggest you focus on yourself right now, since you want to keep working on the marriage. Self-care can’t damage a healthy relationship. Spend time with friends, stop doing all of the clean up, take time to work out or take a walk or whatever helps you relax and recharge.

Post # 32
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would suggest therapy for you as well. From your OP, it seems that you sacrifice your feelings for him. There was no reason for you to go to the movies with him after he treated you so horribly and I’m guessing you could pull out a hundred similar examples. Does he ever apologize or take responsibility for the things he says/does? Or do you just always allow him to dismiss your feelings and reactions to his behavior? I think you need to start standing your ground and emphasizing that despite his issue your feelings still matter.

As for the cleaning – for now I’d just put that issue on the back burner and hire a house cleaner. There’s enough going on in your relationship right now that, that particular issue is dwarfed by.

ETA: I agree with PP that you need to start focusing on and making self-care a part of your life. 

Post # 33
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

railroaderwifeyxo :  See this is what I was afraid of with younikkitome : ‘s post. This notion that abuse has to be severe to be abuse. And perhaps OP if you’ve been in what you describe as a very abusive relationship in the past, you’re using that as a yardstick to measure by- and your husband is nowhere near as bad as your ex by this yardstick. 

But if Woman A has a husband who calls her a c*** and won’t let her dog out to pee, and Woman B has a husband who screams in her face and shoves her around and gives her an occasional smack, and Woman C has a husband who puts her in the ER and threatens to kill her…… you don’t tell Woman A and Woman B that they’re not in an abusive situation just because their situation isn’t ‘as severe’ as Woman C’s. 

You say his behaviour ‘mimicks abusive behaviour’ but isn’t abusive?? I don’t get that? I know you love him and feel sorry for him and see him struggling/ trying, but making excuses for him isn’t helping him or you. 

Post # 35
Member
760 posts
Busy bee

Only you truly know your relationship. My husband and I went through a really hard time last year and came out of the other side stronger and happier and more secure. Counseling made a huge difference but we were also very committed to each other and to our relationship. You can’t change someone. They can choose to change for themselves but that can’t be a contingent of staying with a person. I get that you’re frustrated about your husband not helping around the house and then that bleeds into other parts of your relationship. Maybe it would be best to get a cleaner for now while you’re figuring everything else out. One thing my counselor emphasizes is to focus on one fight at a time, don’t start fighting about one thing and make it into everything else that’s bothering you. Getting a cleaner would solve a problem, but it sounds to me like the real problem is that he’s not participating equally in your relationship. Does he do other things like maintain the yard or work on your cars?

Post # 36
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

railroaderwifeyxo :  ((((hugs)))) Maybe do as a few others have suggested and speak to a therapist on your own re everything you’re dealing with. I actually wouldn’t recommend couples counselling right now as anything you said in counselling could be used against you later if you were honest in counselling. And if you walked on eggshells during counselling it wouldn’t be beneficial. I think you walk on eggshells more than you realize (like agreeing to go to the movies when you really weren’t up to it- simply because it was easier to just go than to deal with the fallout of him not getting his own way). But if you went to your own therapist, kind of like the way a family member of an alcoholic goes to Al-anon to help with coping, maybe it could help. 

Post # 37
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I agree. the sabatoging of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries with cruelty is a precursor to or at the very least, emotional abuse.

 

 

Post # 38
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

From one of your responses in the post: “But I feel like I’m forced to stay in the situation out of fear of never finding someone who will love me.”

Don’t feel stuck like that. Yes, he has his childhood issues, but that doesn’t mean that they should become your issues too. You deserve better. Maybe he needs to be by himself to really heal from that pain from his childhood. I would hate for you to be dragged down because of him.

I’m not saying that leaving him is the answer, but I wouldn’t rule it out just because you don’t want to rock the boat. You DO deserve better, and leaving the relationship could very well lead to better things. At least there’d be less stress at home. 

Post # 39
Member
2504 posts
Sugar bee

craigslistgirl :  Agreed — you should definitely not stay in any relationship where fear of not finding something better is holding you there. I think this is a common reason women stay in relationships, but it’s not a good reason, and it’s not true. OP, I believe you’ve stated before that you’re in your early 20s. It sounds like you’ve been in relationships (or at least one) other than him, but just because you love him and he’s not as bad as your ex isn’t a good reason to be with him if he’s not being a good partner to you. If you leave, I can promise that you WILL find someone else who loves you and wants to commit to you, and you would have plenty of time to do so. I am not saying you should leave – I really don’t know much about you or him or your dynamic, and you may be able to work on the issues and have a happy life together – but I can say with certainty that you definitely shouldn’t stay out of fear. 

Post # 40
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I wasn’t excusing her husbands behavior. I was just saying that he needs to work on how he responds to his feelings. He obviously didn’t have anyone around to teach him how to deal in life. Without fail everytime a bee comes on here asking for support or advice it’s always DUMP HIM!!! She knows him better than we do, yet everyone is always like “THIS IS HOW THE ABUSE STARTS WAIT AND HE WILL BE HITTING YOU!!!!” And she has responded quite a few times saying she’s hurt but doesn’t feel like she’s been abused, but now everyone has her admitting she does feel abused. If she truly does feel that way, then absolutely she should leave. But I can’t help but think she feels ganged up on. 

Post # 42
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper

railroaderwifeyxo :  do you love him? I get the feeling that at some level you’ve checked out. That’s ok. Of course it is. Sometimes we need to go through the motions to feel satisfied that we really ARE done. 

 

Post # 43
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I’m not married yet, so I don’t know how much this helps but my Fiance had a really rough childhood. His sister died when he was little and he lost his dad in his early 20s. I do believe that in some ways a childhood that is rough does deserve some slack. 

However, your husband is making you do all of the work and stressing you out which is not okay. I would recommend not just marriage counseling, but for him to see a therapist alone. I think it might help him work through his issues on his own time and then you can focus on marriage counseling. 

I hope things start looking up for you smile

Post # 44
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

Dear Bee,

I feel sad to read your post because I can feel how much you care/have card about your husband and how much you want things to be good for him. I too was once married to a man who had suffered a lot in his childhood, been abandoned by one parent and frequently rejected by the other, and overcome great poverty. He was talented ad funny and charming, and underneath that so deeply angry and fearful. He had poor empathy and great difficulty expressing his feelings. I lived with him for 20 years. I wanted to help him, I wanted to save him, I wanted to prove to him that love could overcome all manner of evils. I was going to give him all the unconditional love he had not received. We had a little girl a year and a half after we got married and then I felt compelled to stay in the marriage because I was going to prove that we could have a family that would live happily ever after. But his anger and fear began to boil over, first in mean remarks, later in lying, and finally in cheating. He would be sorry and contrite, tell me that he loved me and was going to do better and then start all over again. It took me a long time to understand that this was abuse, because I kept excusing it on the fact that he hadn’t learned how to love, hadn’t had any model for being a good husband, etc. But it was abuse, because  it was unloving, uncaring, and cruel behavior that beat me down until I could hardly recognize myself. I finally left when my daughter graduated from highschool, and am now remarried to the kindest man I have ever known, who in 5 years has never said an unkind thing to me. Don’t get me wrong, we have our ups and downs, he just is an adult and understands how to express his feelings and manage his emotions. I want to say to you that you deserve to be loved and cared for, whatever you decide to do. Here’s the thing: your husband will not change until he decides it will hurt more to stay the way he is than to grow up. He has learned, understandably, that life can be unfair and people who are supposed to love you can be unreliable. But grown up love requires empathy and sacrifice, as you already understand. I wish you well on your journey.

Post # 45
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

I didn’t read all of the other comments, so I apologize if I’m repeating something here. Your husband’s behavior reminds me of my ex. He did nothing around the house, was disrespectful to my friends and my parents (and my friends’ parents!–Once he made me leave my friend’s house when her mom was in the middle of making dinner for all of us without even letting me say good-bye), and was controlling/manipulative. When I’d confront him about anything, he’d twist things around to make me feel like it was all my fault. As I learned later, this is gaslighting and is emotional abuse. It sounds like that’s happening to you too.

Now, I was willing to work through these issues with my ex. I suggested counseling (for him at first, and I’d join if the therapist thought that would be best), and we had a few healthy discussions about compromises we could make. Then he cheated on me, and that was the last straw. I feel like if you really want to make your realtionship work, you do need to considering couple’s counseling. I don’t see how you could move forward without your voice being heard and working through issues together.

I also want to add that there have been times that my Fiance has called me names I don’t like when he’s angry. As soon as he starts going down that path, I tell him to stop saying things he’ll regret later, and he does. For some reason, a lot of people on here seem to think name-calling is completely unacceptable and would leave their SOs over that. I think every person has their own limits, and you need to decide what yours are. If you can’t forgive your husband for some of the things he’s done, leave now. If you think you can deal with it (knowing that similar situations might occur again), join your husband at a therapy session and try to work through your issues.

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