(Closed) Newlyweds in Seperate Beds

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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TeresaBenedicta :  “I can’t fall alseep when you’re in the bed” is not a legitimate reason to me. Not when he hasn’t even given it a try. I am a super high maintenance sleeper and ALWAYS struggle to fall asleep in bed when I have a new partner, but I perservere and eventually get used to it and it’s fine (unless there is snoring, in which case I’m out!). Sounds like he tried halfheartedly for 10 minutes one or two times and then promptly went to the childhood bed. Nope! 

As for whether OP is “upset” or “annoyed”…I think you’re kinda splitting hairs here. Not sure the point of this distinction. If it were me I’d be both upset AND annoyed lol…upset that something I assumed would be part of my married life (sharing a bed with my husband) has been taken away with no warning or real explanation, and annoyed to the point of enraged that my husband won’t even put an effort into something that’s important to me.

Post # 62
113 posts
Blushing bee

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dj8990 :  I just want to said that if it is the noise that bother him, my SO had that problem too since he is a light sleeper. My SO got himself use to white noise and it  I drown out all the  I noise around him so now he can sleep well. We also have a king size bed so it give him space he needs. But i would sell/discard the childhood bed because it seem it is not even proper if you have an overnight guests. 

Post # 63
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Backyard

Some of these replies are really something.

Sleeping in the same bed as your spouse doesn’t equal more intimacy, love, sex, etc. It also doesn’t equal less (or no) masturbation, communication, snuggle time, etc. 

Also living with your spouse before marriage doesn’t equal a successful marriage. You can find out about sleep habits without living together. 

I didn’t even sleep in the building as my husband on our wedding night less than a year ago. We are severe isomniacs and didn’t ever try sleeping together during our relationship…  ever. Why bother? We also didnt live together, but did live one block apart. We both had studio apartments until a month after a wedding (due to lease). I wasn’t about to suck it up and sleep in his bed just because it was our wedding night. I wanted to be rested for our honeymoon. We had a sunrise ceremony and had more than enough time to have all the sex and snuggling we wanted. 

My husband likes to keep his room very cold, has a very light blanket, goes to sleep 4 hours after me, and wakes up very easily etc. 

It is a minor miracle if I sleep longer than 4 hours at a time with a white noise machine, cool/dark room, no pressure for early wake up, and tons of exercise that day. My husband could breathe and I’d wake up. 

We snuggle each night (and some weekend mornings) which is very special. We do many other things together like exercise, cook, travel, etc.  

I have never once worried about my husband being gay, cheating on me, or having a porn/masterbation addiction.  

The most important thing is to look at the relationship as a whole not just the sleeping situation. 


Post # 64
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I understand that sleeping apart is the best solution for some couples. But relationships take compromise, and your husband really hasn’t given sleeping together a fair trial. Twice in seven months isn’t much of an attempt at all, and as this is important to you, he needs to be able to work with you and commit to giving it a shot. Personally, I’d try to come up with an agreement about how many nights a week you’ll share the same bed. Even one night a week for a few months would give him time to see if he gets used to it, and help you understand to what extent the issue matters to you.

My Fiance and I had have to work together to figure out sleeping arrangements. I have a hard time sleeping, and once a week or so, in the middle of the night, I want to move to another bed–but it makes my Fiance really sad to wake up and find me sleeping in the guest room, so we made a compromise: if I don’t have to be anywhere early the next day, before I can go to another room, I have to give co-sleeping a fair shot by keping my phone off and trying to meditate for fifteen minutes. If that works, then great; if it doesn’t, then I can go sleep where I need to and my Fiance will know I tried my best, so no guilt trips allowed. It took us some time to come to a compromise we were both happy with, but compromise is the heart of a relationship, so it was worth it for both of us to figure out what the other person needed and how we could respect and support each other’s wishes. I hope you and your husband are able to find a satisfactory compromise of your own!

Post # 65
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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dj8990 :  OP, I have nothing to add but my best friend’s ex used to never sleep next to her and one night she got so annoyed that she headed to the other room to confront him only to find him balls deep (literally) in porn. Turned out he’d spend like 2 hours a night on his phone watching porn and masturbating and was so badly addicted that he even took breaks at work to go watch porn in his car.

They split obvs. 

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