Newlyweds! Living with In-Laws Questions and Concerns

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
1515 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

“My thought process was that I will ONLY be living with his parents but it seems like I’m practically living with his sister’s family too. That is where my problem is.”

You need to adjust your thought process.  Where did you get the idea that you will ONLY be living with his parents, when his sister already has been dropping her 2 kids off almost every day, to the point that your Future In-Laws bought their new house (the house you’d be moving into) with the location of her house in mind?  ONLY living with his parents is NOT on the menu.  Your options that you have to weigh are Living by yourselves or Living with your FI’s parents AND sister’s family.  

Not saying that it has to be acceptable to you to live with your Future In-Laws AND FSIL’s family.  I definitely wouldn’t do it cultural expectation or not.  But you are bringing unrealistic expectations (i.e., that it’s a possibility to ONLY live with his parents) into the equation.  That’s only going to create more resentment. 

By the way I wouldn’t move in with his parents at all regardless.  In my culture that used to be the norm, for the married son and his family to live with his parents, but nowadays the culture has evolved enough to where it’s really not weird either way.  I wouldn’t do it because when you’re living with family and that family is higher on the social hierarchy (respect for elders, etc.), it will 99 times out of 100 turn into a situation where “It’s your house too, you live here too” when something costs money and “It’s OUR house and we were nice enough to let you live here” when they find your wants to be inconvenient.

Post # 32
Member
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
maryh123 :  you are not justified. Their house, their rules. Personally… Id like my own household as a grown ass married woman!

Post # 33
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you’re resigned to moving in with them. It’s not a situation that I would feel comfortable with or want but if you have a great relationship with his parents and think it’s a good idea then good for you. I’m sure there will be good things about living with them that I (and maybe you) are not thinking of right now but, what happens if the situation becomes untenable? For me, especially as an (extroverted) introvert, my home is my refuge. I like having people over but I also like my space and peace and quiet. What if you never get that at home? Have you and FH discussed how you’ll handle if you find that you cannot live with them long-term? I think this is absolutely a discussion you need to have before you get married and before you agree to move-in. Possibly a “trial period” of 6 months or so to see how it’s going? If your FH isn’t even willing to discuss the possibility that you won’t live with them permanently, for the rest of his parent’s lives, then that would be a red flag for me because it indicates he’s putting his parent’s needs above yours. I don’t share his cultural values so I could be putting my foot in my mouth but I do feel that in marriage it’s extremely important for the spouse to be prioritized over everyone else whether that be parents, kids, siblings, friends, etc.

As to your original question, no, I don’t think it’s reasonable that you wouldn’t expect the children there since it’s your ILs house. Plus, this isn’t a new situation. You’re going to be living with your ILs but seeing your SIL and her children daily so you have to take that into account with your thought process as well. If you and your FH aren’t making any ground discussion wise perhaps you could meet with a religious leader or a counsellor who will be sensitive and familiar with your cultural values?

Post # 34
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to understand that this arrangement means that you will NEVER be a grown up woman running your own household. Are you ok with that? Are you ok with always being a child, with no say in your own life, controlled by your in laws wishes?

Those vacations – the in laws will decide where and when and who will attend (because they are the parents and you are the children). Holidays will be on your in laws terms – you will not get to decide who to spend them with, when they’re celebrated, or establish your own traditions with your children and nuclear family (because your in laws are the parents and you are the children). You will not be the adult in your own home – you will not be allowed to say who comes over or when. If you have children, your in laws will tell you how and when to feed them, change them, dress them, and put them to sleep. You will have no control as the mother of your children, because again, your in laws are the adults and you are simply a child living in their home. 

Personally, I would not be ok with this peter pan never growing up scenario. I value my independence and I’m proud to be an adult woman who can make decisions for my life and the lives of my children. This is what you’re giving up, if you agree to this situation OP. You need to understand that. 

If you’re ok with that, then great. But I would not give up my freedom to live as an adult, just because my future husband would rather cater to his family than to support me.  

Post # 35
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

They will run your lives and raise your children. You will be an unpaid servant and never an independent adult. They provide the housing; they call the shots. Deal-breaker.

Post # 36
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
maryh123 :  I would seriously reconsider this if you already have issues who they have coming over. and I definitely would sit him down and ask for a timeline until you’re comfortable both financially and personally to move out on your own. We didn’t have that conversation and now we are rolling up on 4 years living with my parents.  It started out until we both finished graduate school and now we’re just comfortable lol. We live in a High cost of living area so this is pretty normal (thanks LA) but out of my comfort zone. On the other hand, we were fresh out of college when we got engaged, so I think we needed that time to get our careers jumpstarted. Now we’re throwing every penny at our downpayment savings to get out on our own. EXCITED. 

 

Overall, just make sure you have a timeline of moving out or things are going to get hectic. 

They sound like awesome in laws tho. i don’t know if i would be willing to leave my bedroom for my son and his wife lol.

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