Newlyweds no sex, a follow up? :(

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
119 posts
Blushing bee

First of all, you in no way screwed up your marriage by abstaining for 6 months. That is ridiculous. This is abnormal behavior with or without the 6 month abstinence. Have you considered the possibility that your Darling Husband might be going through depression or anxiety. A big symptom is disinterest in things you enjoy like sex. Also, someone with these issues may not be obviously sad or have a situational reason for depression/anxiety. Some people are just prone to it and it can happen with any life change good or bad or no change at all. I read through the last post and unless I missed it I never saw where you had a conversation with your Darling Husband about your concerns. If you didn’t yet, you should have a very serious conversation about these issues and directly ask for counseling. I don’t think it’s fair to jump to a divorce conversation without having a serious long talk first and counseling. I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish you the best!

Post # 3
11647 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As many posters to the previous thread have already advised, if you are considering divorce after being married for only three or four months, counseling, stat. 

I don’t think you had mentioned the fact that H was not a permanent resident. Do you think he’s been using you there? Or could he be one of those people who only wants something he’s not “supposed” to be having? 

None of us know either of you and have the answers. You need professional help. I’d tell him that it’s non-negotiable. 

Post # 4
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Aww Bee, I went back to your first post and I genuinely feel for you. The only thing I don’t get is why you’d mention the permanent residency application in this OP? It’s a total non sequitur UNLESS you believe it’s got something to do with the issue at hand? How do you relate the two?

Post # 7
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I have had long periods without sex with my FH…it’s a vicious circle. I get depressed/sad/whiny, and that turns him off even more! Is he having trouble at work or anything that might make him feel less virile so to speak?

If it is an outside factor all you can do is bite your tongue and be supportive, if it is something else there’s not much you can do without input and cooperation from your husband. 

Post # 8
382 posts
Helper bee

You need to get your butts to counseling together. If you are unable to have a formal discussion over the topic or the find the reasons why he doesn’t want sex, then you need some outside help. There are many reasons why he might not be having sex with you: from him having an affair, to a lowering in his testosterone. But you won’t find out until you both sit down and start to really talk about it.

A counselor will help you have such discussion without the fight, screams and tears that it might provoke. It might also offer other reasons as to why is his libido so low. 

Be honest with him and let him know that you do not signed up for a sex-less marriage, that this has become a problem for you and that you’d like to go to counseling together as soon as possible. If he refuses to go (he probably will) then is up to you to decide: Are you happy enough with this relationship that you can sacrifice sex, or would you rather find someone you are more compatible with?



Post # 9
231 posts
Helper bee

“Men are moved by two levers only: fear and self interest,” said Napoleon Bonaparte. You tried self interest; now try fear.

Post # 10
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I just went back and read your previous post about this and am so sorry you’re going through this! You’re not wrong in feeling like something is not right. This is very odd behavior on his part. In the previous discussion many people suggested counseling and you kind of dismissed that idea. That might be worth revisiting as this is something that clearly needs to be talked about. In the past two weeks, have you at least sat down and talked about this in a calm manner? In other words, not a fight. Have you expressed your feelings, told him that this is making you miserable, that you feel rejected and unwanted, and that you’re starting to fear that the marriage might not work out? I don’t think you should threaten divorce unless you’re already decided that you want out, which would be ridiculous at this stage since you two haven’t tried to really work through this. But it can’t hurt to let him know how desperately unhappy you are and that something needs to change. If you have talked, what was his reaction? If you haven’t talked, why not?

Not to criticize, but it sounds like you simply kept trying to initiate sex which, given his behavior since your wedding, you should have figured would simply result in rejection and more disappointment and resentment on your part. Why keep putting yourself through that when this is something that requires a conversation? No wonder you’re at your breaking point! I hope you’ll consider counseling to help get to the bottom of whatever’s going on with him and help you communicate your needs in the relationship because I don’t see how you can continue to live like this, but it seems pretty crappy to give up on a marriage without first trying everything.

Post # 15
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Are you for real? Almost every reply here advised counseling and/or talking to him. Yet your replies are all about how nothing about your situation has magically changed and you make zero mention of having a conversation with him about this. Well duh! Why do you think anything would change without talking to him? This is clearly not about how good of a housewife you are or how cute your outfit is. Something else is obviously going on but you’ll never figure out what that is without TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND! Preferably with the aid of a therapist who can help the two of you communicate.Β 

I’ll ask again: If you haven’t talked, why not?


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