(Closed) Newlyweds: The Dreaded Holiday Compromise. How's it going?

posted 8 years ago in Holidays
  • poll: Our first married Christmas and the compromise is...

    Going well! We already had a plan in place so nothing really changes

    Going well, we compromise super easily and I love his family so it's no big deal

    It's okay...I'm not thrilled about some of what I/we have to do but...that's life

    We'll get there...we've had a couple arguments but we will figure it out!

    It's awful...I can't think of anything worse than having to spend Christmas with his family

  • Post # 32
    Member
    13561 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

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    @Mrs.H2B  You said perfectly what I still struggle with sometimes: “…other than having to grow up and realize that sometimes childhood traditions don’t last forever. We start to make our own traditions now 🙂 “

    Post # 33
    Member
    13561 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

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    @future mrs Q  That’s awesome! I’d love to do a combined thing sometime, but I kinda doubt it will happen. Our families like each other enough, but I just don’t see it actually happening.

    Post # 34
    Member
    203 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Our Christmas plans actually go pretty smoothly (for the most part). My dad is a firefighter so he often has to work on Christmas day and my mom’s job is fairly flexible, so my family usually celebrates a few days before or after (or both since we do christmas with my mom’s side and my dad’s side).  SO’s family always celebrates Christmas eve with their extended family and Christmas morning with his immediate family which makes planning pretty easy!

    The tricky part for us is actually Thanksgiving.  I don’t think that a thanksgiving has past that we haven’t bickered about when we will be where.  Thanksgiving to SO’s family is like a giant family reunion (this year we rented out a church and about 70 people showed up) and because of this, its really important to him.  My thanksgiving is usually pretty small, just my family and maybe a few friends but its still nice to actually see them all.  Luckily we are from the same hometown so it usually ends up going something like 11-3 SO’s, 3-8 mine, 8-? SO’s.  Its a struggle but we make it happen!

    I’m definitely happy that our families have different holidays that are important to them.  My family is HUGE on Christmas which is why we celebrate with immediate family and both sides of the family, and SO’s familiy obviously loves Thanksgiving.  It just makes it nice that we don’t have to compete (too much at least) about where and when we will be places.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1548 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We’re not married yet, but Fiance and I have perfected the holidays with our families over the last few years. We spend Christmas Eve with my family, then late that night we drive to FSIL’s house so we are there when his nephews wake up on Christmas morning and we spend the day with FI’s family. It has really worked well with us, we’re lucky that our families only live about an hour and half away from eachother. 

    This year, Thanksgiving was new for us. My parents invited FI’s parents for Thanksgiving and they spend the weekend at our beach house – it was a great time and we got out of having 2 Thanksgiving dinners in one day!

    Post # 36
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

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    @Swizzle  I know how you feel! FI’s family has a tendency of making themselves seem more important than my family and since we live about 5 hours away we don’t visit very often. It can be pretty frustrating!

    Post # 37
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Christmas Eve is pretty much my favorite night of the year! We always have a big meal & have lots of traditions. It’s been sad the last few years, since we lost my grandparents and my great uncle, so it’s just my parents, my brother, me & my husband. So we were 100% sure that we are spending Christmas Eve there. But earlier in the afternoon I really wanted to go visit his Dad’s side of the family, so we’re stopping over there for a couple of hours. I’m lucky because DH loves my family and would honestly celebrate however I wanted. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    His family lives near us, but mine is 1000 miles away.  We spend tons of holidays with them, but only go visit my family once or twice a year.  This year he can’t really travel out of town because of work, so we’re going to spend Christmas morning together at home, then maybe over to his parents’ later in the day.  Then the day after Christmas I’m going to fly home to spend time with my family.  I know my mom is probably bummed to not see me on Christmas day, but I’ll still get to spend time with them.  I’m still not quite sure what we’ll do in the future.

    Post # 39
    Member
    384 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    It always has been rather straightforward agreeing on who’s family to be with on Xmas since our familys live across the Atlantic Ocean and we have to plan well in advance who’s going where.

    Our first Xmas as a married couple looks like it will be more complicated, we will possibly have to spend it apart. Just found out that SO’s grandfather back in the US is due to pass away within the next few days. If he is still alive after out honeymoon next week SO thinks he will go back over early and spend the holidays with him. I can’t afford to book a ticket at such short notice for a short length of time, so I will be staying with my own family. I hope he can stay over here, I’ll really miss him if he goes! 

    Post # 40
    Member
    687 posts
    Busy bee

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    @Gemstone  Could you explain a bit more about why you are so sentimental about spending xmas morning with your parents? SO is this way, in his mind if he doesn’t continue the exact same routine he’s had with his family (for 30 years) then xmas is ruined. No exaggeration. I was raised that Christmas is where and when family is, and it doesn’t matter if you get together the day of or that evening or a few days later, it doesn’t make it any more or less special. It’s not about the actual presents but the presence of each other, so this whole “xmas is ruined because our schedule will slightly change” mindset is very difficult for me to wrap my head around. Any insight you – or any other bees – could provide is greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.

    Post # 41
    Member
    2211 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    We aren’t even engaged yet, but I could not imagine spending my Christmas without my SO (unlike every other boyfriend I’ve had!). 

    Ever since my sister got married, she’s been spending every other holiday with us and every other with her in laws, and I let SO know that I’d like to get on the same schedule as her, and this is their year to spend Christmas with us.

    So, this year we’re spending Christmas Eve with my sister/bro-in-law/nephew/niece/parents and Day with my dad’s extended family, and we’ll get together for his family Christmas the weekend before.  Next year his family will get priority on dates for Christmas.

    Post # 43
    Member
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m SO thankful for this thread!!! I haven’t read all the replies yet, but it’s good to know that I’m not the only one going through it.  We live in the same town as DH’s family, and mine is 2.5 hrs away. Christmas eve with his, Christmas day with mine.  Now DH wants to do more things with his side before Christmas (22,23rd) and I’m getting jealous 🙁 If we’re only there with mine for Christmas Day, why should we spend more time with his just b/c we’re close…. I feel so petty 🙁

    Post # 45
    Member
    687 posts
    Busy bee

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    @MrsDrRose612  Thank you for the detailed reply! I really appreciate it. SO’s family all live within about 30 minutes of each other and they get together CONSTANTLY. They celebrate every birthday, have monthly dinners, all holidays are big productions, etc. They go on winter and summer vacations together where they all stay in one house, the whole 9 yards. They are all wonderful people – I truly love being around them, but after 2 hours of visiting I am over it and want to go home and do my own thing. I’m the same way with my family. The problem is that SO is happy to sit and just listen to the conversation for hours and hours, not even chiming in on stuff. His extended family is large with 21 people, not including myself, and he is the oldest grandchild and is quite shy so trying to pave the way for change (even in small ways) means making a mountain out of a molehill. It’s exhausting for me and I feel bad saying “But we just saw your parents last weekend, why do we need to see them again? Can’t we just grab a quick lunch with them and go?” The get-togethers are never less than 3 hours long and I think I would be open to seeing them more often if I was able to come and go as I please. I am very close with my parents and grandparents but don’t feel the need to be with them every second of the day, and if my SO was bored at my family functions (only 2 per year) I would be understanding and not offended. So glad I just aired some dirty laundry on WB hahaha

    Post # 46
    Member
    132 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    This year we’ll spend Christmas lunch with my family and have dinner with his, next year, our first married christmas, we’ll host both family’s for a BBQ at our house. The fact that we even have plan fior next year already is a little strange I’ll admit. 

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