Post # 1
I normally post as someone else but have made this account for confidentiality reasons. I am embarassed that this happened again and that I came back. I need help.
Yesterday, I was helping a friend with a photoshoot. I modeled and helped my friend (the photographer) with some editing. The process was from 5:00-7:30 pm. I live at home with my parents and I told them both that I would be gone a while. I did not expect there to be any issue. When I got out of the photoshoot, I felt guilty that it had taken so long. I called my mom to tell her that I was on my way home. I am 22 but since I am living under my parents roof, I respect them nad still want them to know about my schedule. I called her and she was happy I was updating her. While driving the 30 minute commute home, my mother must jave texted me asking me what I wanted for dinner. That was sweet of her but I had my phone on silent and I don’t even look at it while driving. I pull up in the driveway to see that she asks me if I am eating dinner at home.
I come home to find that she is cooking me fried chicken. I can’t eat that. No, not because I am a model but because I have Crohn’s and certain foods, including fried, mess with my stomach. I will have stomach pains for a day if I eat that. I kindly tell her that I will make myself some Ramen noodles. I am on the steps talking off my shoes when my dad says “Just because you have painted your fucking face with makeup doesn’t mean you can talk to your mother like that.” Like what? I didn’t say anything rude. I didn’t get upset with her for cooking for me even though I didn’t respond and said I even wanted food (it was sweet of her, though). I tell him that I didn’t do anything wrnog and I just want to eat something that will not lead to a flare-up. He then comes over to the stairway and begins shoving me and puts his hand around my neck.
I AM SCARED. I don’t know where this is coming from. I am terrified. Just 1 week ago, I had come home after being gone for 6 weeks. For six weeks I have lived with my fiance after a similar incident where my parents were BOTH verbally abusive and my dad was physically abusive. My parents threatened to call the cops and social services on me when I said I wanted to go to my fiance who is 3 hours away. I thought I could come back and they would be more rational. I feel foolish for believing that.
I wanted to involve my fiance last night and I told him what happened. He wanted to call my dad but what good would that do? They know he knows about the social service threat yet still continue to treat me like this. They aren’t scared of anyone. What should I do Bees? I am so scared for my life. My parents act like everything is okay the next day and try to sweep it under the rug. My mom doesn’t defend me. I am home to help plan my wedding and I don’t think I want a wedding paid for them after this. What can I do to stop this abuse for good? He had his hands around my throat over chicken. OVER CHICKEN THAT I CANNOT EAT.
I am looking for a job in my fiance’s city. It’s only 9 bucks an hour but atleast it is something. We have to move to my fiance’s city in about 8 months after our wedding anyways. I came home to plan but maybe I should leave again. Fiance isn’t too keen on me living with him, despite knowing the situation. I feel so alone. Help.
Post # 2
Call the cops on him! Why the hell are they threatening to call them on YOU! That makes no sense. Please get out now.
Post # 3
southernbelle92: I really feel for you and can personally relate, and you need to get out of there for your own safety. It’s hard, it’s scary, but it’s for the best. Stay with a friend who has their own place, or stay with a relative that knows what you’re going through. Your top priority right now is to protect yourself.
Anything is better than staying in a toxic envrionment where you’re constantly walking on eggshells. It’s not worth the pain and anxiety and fear. I hope you are able to get out of there. If not, avoid problem situations at all costs, even if that means you have to take off for a few hours and return when the house is quiet.
If you want to talk further, feel free to PM me.
Post # 4
southernbelle92: Move out now. Don’t wait for a job, even though it’ll be difficult. Your fiance should want to take you in. You’re 22 years old, presumably no reason to need to live with your parent and they are toxic and you need to leave ASAP.
Post # 5
Is there a reason your fiancé doesnt want you to move in?
Post # 6
cmbr: It’s because he clearly stated he doesn’t want to live together before marriage. He wants me to find a roommate or someone to live with. Am I being a douche or is this a dire enough situation where my living situations should be the least of his concerns. I believe the fiance wants me to find a more permanent roommate after a month.
Post # 7
southernbelle92: I am so sorry for your situation and I think you definitely need to leave. Has this ever happened before or just the two times you mention in your post? I’m also concerned you say your fiancé isn’t keen on you moving in despite knowing your situation, I don’t know all the details there but I can’t understand how someone who loves you enough to want to marry you isn’t doing everything possible to support you now, I’m sorry but if my FI knew I was in a house with someone who was verbally, let alone physically, abusing me he’d be breaking down the door to get me out of there.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Unfortanlly violence, domestic violence has a cycle and not to stand up for your mom but if she is staying then she is stuck in the cycle as well. I don’t believe there is anything you can do to end the abuse besides removing yourself.
A. I don’t know if you live in the states but I am confused about your dad’s threats of social services. You are an adult even though living at home. If he wants to call social services, let me him.
b. I’m guessing you moved in with your fiancé because of all of this. I also understand wanting to believe your parents can change but now you know he cannot. Why does yout fiancé not want uou to move back with him?
Im sure you feel completely alone right now but I would look into do mastic abuse shelters
Post # 9
What is his reasoning for not wanting to live together before marriage? Religious? Financial?
Post # 10
southernbelle92: Offer to sleep in a separate room or something. I hate to be blunt but if he lets you continue to live with your parents there may not be a wedding. Seriously, situations like this only escalate, THEY DO NOT GET BETTER.
Adding Chrohns on top of that just puts you at even more of a risk with the stress. If you can’t live with your fiance find a friend or another family member to live with. Or what about your FI’s family?
Post # 11
I suggest you leave and live anywhere else. For your Dad to put his hands on your neck and your Mom to watch and not intervene, suggests to me that she may also be a victim of domestic violence. She may have learned helplessness, where she is fearful to act, even to protect her daughter.
Post # 12
southernbelle92: Your fiance would rather you live with an abusive father than live together before marriage?! What are his reasons for not living together?
Post # 13
I would get out of their house ASAP. I don’t understand what they would be calling the police/social services about? If anything, they would be arrested for domestic violence against you.
I grew up with a father who could be really nice, but then all the sudden something would set him off and he would turn into an absolute monster. He did a lot of horrible things. He attacked my sister once, but my 2 uncles were able to get him off of her, he spit on me, he pushed me against doors, spanked my sisters and me with belts, and threw things at us in anger.
I had finally had enough of it after I was driving him to work one day (he has epilepsy, and wasn’t allowed to drive), and he was mad at me because of a fight my sister and I were having (nothing serious). He was saying mean things to me and making me cry. I wasn’t fully paying attention to how fast I was driving because I was so upset, and all of the sudden he screamed at me “You’re going 80 mph, stop speeding!!!” and punched me extremely hard in my arm/shoulder area and caused me to swerve on the freeway. I told him I was going to make him get out of the car and he kept saying “I’d like to see you try!”. I dropped him of at work, went to my work, and immediately started sobbingn when I saw my manager who was like a second mom to me. She sent me home from work, and I went home and told my mom what happend and told her I was done with him. She asked me if she should divorce him, but I wasn’t going to tell her what to do. He apologized later, but I could never be close to him again, and I refused to drive him anywhere.
Later I discovered that he had been cheating on my mom (which he had done throughout their 30 year marriage), and my mom finally worked up the courage to divorce him. I haven’t spoken to him in 4 years. My life is so much better now that he’s not a part of it.
Just want you to know you’re not alone. I hope you can move in with your FI and get away from your parents.
Post # 14
southernbelle92: I am a little confused about the social services threat. What exactly is he attempting to get you in trouble for?
I am also concerned regarding your fiances reaction. Your father physically hurt you and he would prefer you stay in that situation over escaping and living with him for a little while? That would make me very upset.
Do you have any friends or family (even his) that you could stay with for a while?? I am so sorry this is happening.
Post # 15
southernbelle92: Is this behavior totally out of the blue for your dad? I wonder if he may be taking any medications that could be altering his mental state. However, if he frequently blows up at things and has anger issues, it seems things are escalating. I would also think of your mom, if he attacked you, he is probably attacking your mother too.
The minute anyone would lay a hand on me with intent to harm is the last minute I would be in their presence, ever. You don’t need to live with your parents. Cut your father out of your life, he is vile. He deserves to be arrested for his actions, and you should get a restraining order. I’m being completely serious; you need to have this all documented, then later you have leverage to keep them away from you. Your mom? She is minimizing your trauma by ignoring it, but she may be a victim too.
Leave NOW. On your way to your FI’s house, call the cops and report your father. When you are safely away, find a job, start planning your own wedding that you and your FI can afford. I would personally talk to your mom when she calls, try to support her, but I would neverr speak to your dad again. I would never set foot in their home again. I would refuse your dad entry to your and your FI home if they try to visit, and I would call the cops.
Don’t allow your parents to pay for your wedding. And don’t let your father walk you down the aisle!! He doesn’t deserve that honor.
Ugh he is disgusting.
EDIT: just saw that your FI doesn’t want you to move in. I would be heartbroken if after being abused (which you ARE!), your future partner wouldn’t want to protect you. However, getting yourself out of your parents home is your first priority – is there a friend you can stay with until you get on your feet? Check a roommate finder service or ask on facebook if anyone is looking for a roommate. You need a job first so you can save up money for rent. I would also be having a talking to with your FI about his priorities – keeping you safe, or his moral convictions. I would want to know the reasons behind him not wanting to live together, and work together to find a solution. Maybe your FI can help pay for rent for an apartment for you.