Nightmare

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

O.k. I am still confused I guess. So you say seperation anxiety. Like what? Do you not want him going out? Do you get upset when he does? Have you been diagnosed? I have anxiety also I am on med’s for it so I know how that can be I am just confused on the seperation anxiety part. I just don’t get how he can be so upset with you and feel you can’t change when you are seeking help. How exhausted is his for him to cancel the wedding? 

Post # 17
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

There isn’t enough information on what exactly would make life “out of the norm’ for your fiance. Generally speaking though, life with a young child is definitely out of any norm. He enjoyed a weekend away remembering his life as a single with no responsibilities but himself? Who wouldn’t miss that during this time???? My husband and I had a rough couple of years raising our little one with no time to call your own, day or night. Sleep deprivation the 1st year were enough to put anyone on edge, especially me. I am not good on less than 4 hrs of sleep but still had to work 10hr days and come back home to do it again. 

I agree this was a hurtful way to come back and blindside you. Where is the communication? Is he going to try and bail everytime life gets out of whack? Welcome to life! Single life is great for some people forever but that’s all gone now with a child. Talk about too little too late. Be a man and lean into and enjoy it for what it’s worth. Things DO get better as all things ebb and flow

Post # 18
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

katiebx :  I’m concerned about what you said, that you just don’t have it in you, to stand up and leave. Break-ups are scary, for everyone and especially for persons with separation anxiety. I myself suffered from it during my first long time relationship. And he wanted to break up with me, because of my issues and then said we could try again. But by that time I was so afraid to behave in a way that he could get upset, it got really worse. I was walking on eggshells and in the end I was just a shadow of myself.This was the WORST. Not only did I let my partner dictate how I should behave, but I also didn’t respect my feelings anymore.

If you’re afraid to leave right away, take your time to talk through it with your therapist. Take your time to digest what happened and to analyse things. Is this what you want? Do you think this really can have a future? Be very conscious about the dynamics here. People suffering from separation anxiety normally have a low self-esteem. Don’t try to get validated by him. Because having to prove yourself is exactly that, getting his approval to be a worthy partner. 

Post # 19
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I am so sorry but whatever you do, don’t try to EARN HIS LOVE. That is what he is asking you to do here. Prove you are worthy. No absoultely not. You either love someone or you don’t. You stand by them. That being said, does he perhaps not know how to help you when you are anxious? Anxiety is a tough challenge. Are you in counseling together? I am concerned reading that you have a child. This changes things totally. Is he financially supporting you and your child? Are you living together? Having a child makes possibly separating so much harder. My heart breaks for you.

Post # 20
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

katiebx :  I’m sorry, this hurts. But there is no way you should stay with this man since he is clearly unprepared to face any challenges with you.  He’s willing to continue to live with you, but if you were so bad shouldn’t he leave? But he’s not. You’re good enough as a roommate and sexual partner, but his commitment to you is only skin-deep. Can you imagine how he would be if you experienced a tragedy? Life is not all smooth sailing and you shouldn’t be sharing yours with someone who doesn’t understand this.

Post # 22
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

It would be helpful if you could clarify how your separation anxiety manifests itself in the relationship. What happened over his weekend away that triggered all this?

I would say for me personally, no matter my issues, with the coldness he is displaying, and the fact that he cancelled the vendors without talking to you about it- I’d be done! You want a partner who brings out the best in you and being with this guy is not going to help you work on your anxiety! I am getting anxious just reading your story… I would leave and work on my problems alone with a therapist. If you do, I suspect you will come to realize being with the wrong person can make you feel all kinds of crazy.

Post # 23
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

I’m very sorry. He sounds like a first class jerk. He went away, had a great time without ties to his relationship and child, and just decided to get rid of you… without even talking to you first. I do understand that you have realized your issues and are working towards him, but this man is not willing to commit to being your partner. Him saying that the wedding isn’t a big deal (just a party), but then claiming to not want to be committed negates his previous statement. He wants out and is blaming everything on your. He’s gaslighting you.

Post # 24
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

O.k. I am just going to throw this out there and it might not even be slightly true but…Could something have happend in Vegas, maybe he cheated on you and now he doesn’t know what to do. So he doesn’t know how to tell you and his quilt has him questioning this wedding? So instead of telling you he is making this about you? My ex would do this all the time, he would always turn the the tables on me and make it my fault. I mean for him to have his bachlor weekend in Vegas, come home tell you he doesn’t want to get married and cancel the wedding, and not only that but cancel the vendors without talking to you first. It just doesn’t add up to me. I was married to someone like him and I just can’t buy it, I really can’t. It’s not making sence to me at all. I think he is making this about you because he feels so guilty about what he did and he can’t come to terms with it. Just my theory.

Post # 25
Member
960 posts
Busy bee

katiebx :  hugs. I know exactly how you feel, as im going through the same thing right now. He came back from his therapy session and told me he really wanted to postpone the wedding. That was five weeks ago. We were meant to have our church wedding four weeks from now, and now we’re dangling on a fine thread. I was heartbroken, still am not doing great, my emotional dysregulation worsened, seeing two therapists to work on my emotional dysregulation hoping eventually all these will come to pass. Everytime he goes for his therapy session, he withdrew even more from me. I hate his counselor. It seems like all the advice he gave has caused serious division to our relationship.

Like what my therapists reminded me, you are not alone in this. I can live without my partner, no matter how much i love him and feel i can’t do this. he can choose to leave and i will be okay. Bee, you need to take care of yourself first, love yourself first, and work on yourself first. I know how hard it is, and it is definitely harder for you when you have a small child. A day i feel alright, another day I break down. This battle, this journey… It is a challenge, but i have to believe that God knows it all. And God heals. So I’m holding on to that. I have no other family to seek comfort from and most people don’t know I’m going through sh**. And seek help. Remember to seek help, bee!

Hugs xx

Post # 26
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

katiebx :  

Bee, this is clearly not a guy you could rely on through Real Life.  Stuff happens.  Life throws curve balls at you; sometimes hard ones.  

What would he do if you got sick or injured? Is this a guy who would stick with you and make sure you were well cared for?  Would he do everything in his power to minimize your stress so you could focus on healing? Go with you to doctor visits? Just be there for you until you were back to 100%?

How about during pregnancy when you’re feeling grouchy or depressed?  Will he be there, or will he feel the need to run out, find a party and normalize his life? Will he hold your hair back when you’re puking your guts out because you’re carrying his child?

A good partner will do all of these things, and much more, Bee.

Any guy who could decide he doesn’t want to get married after a weekend bachelor party is not mature enough for marriage. If he was having doubts around your anxiety struggles, he should have been discussing them with you in an open, honest, and loving way. He should have offered to attend therapy with you, if there was a chance that could be helpful.

He has every right to bail if he’s not feeling it. My concern, Bee, is that you seem willing to stay in a relationship with a guy who feeds you crumbs.

I am sorry, Bee.  I completely blanked out on the fact that you have a child together already.  It doesn’t change my opinion, however.

How did he behave during your pregnancy?

Post # 27
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sunburn :  

Interesting how the the Bees with more life experience rocket right to the same point, ie that this is not a guy that OP can rely on for the long haul.

Post # 28
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

sassy411 :  One might almost think we know something lol.

Post # 29
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

keviah12 :  Of course he did something in Vegas. But he’s not worried about telling the OP, he has no intention of doing so, and he doesn’t feel guilty. He’s made it all about her failings, not his. He’s just thinking about doing it again.

Post # 30
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, you deserve better than this. Your fiance doesn’t communicate with you before making decisions that affect you. I don’t know how you could trust him after this. 

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