Post # 1
I’m 4 months out from my wedding. Over the past 2 weeks I have had 3 nightmares. Not wedding-related nightmares, but personal ones – ones where my fiance is cheating on me or wants to see someone else. My fiance is not a cheater and has never lied to me about anything. He’s a very honest, trustworthy, good guy. He’s never given me a reason to not trust him, and I do trust him. We’ve always agreed that cheating is an absolute deal breaker and that we are both so totally disgusted by lying and cheating. So, as you can tell, these nightmares are really disconcerting. So, of course, I’m analyzing this to make myself feel better. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
A long time ago I read that if you sleep on your back (and you aren’t typically a back-sleeper) you are more prone to nightmares. I’ve found this to be true. I never sleep on my back and almost every time I accidently do end up sleeping on my back, even from the time I was little, I have a nightmare of some sort. Also, could this just be the stress of life + wedding coming out at night in a way I didn’t expect (even though I’m still 4 months out and don’t feel stressed?). And finally, my fiance does have a female friend who makes me feel weird. Long story short, this girl has had a really tough life and has come to rely on my fiance as a close friend she can talk to about things. But, I also think she really wishes I weren’t in the picture and that he weren’t engaged because of a few of the things he has told me that she said to him. I don’t think she’d ever act on that because she’s been cheated on before and knows how shitty that is, but nonetheless, it still isn’t a feel-good feeling knowing that some other girl likes your fiance.
Any advice? Anyone else have off-the-wall/strange/scary non-wedding related personal dreams months before your wedding? Am I alone or is this a fairly common kind of thing? How do I make. it. stop. already?
Post # 3
#1? We’re date twins! GOOOOOOOO FRIDAY!
#2? It’s 5 am here on the west coast and I am awake because of a nightmare (although mine WAS wedding related!) so I thought I would write you back. So, while I wait for the coffee to finish, my two cents.
I’ve had issues with nightmares most of my life. It is almost an automatic by-product of stress. If I am upset about something in a major way, my sleep will somehow be distrurbed by it. My wedding-related nightmares became pretty consistent about two weeks ago (I have on average two per week) and I’m also 4 months out. It’s a topic that is on my mind, so clearly I dream about it as well. I also lost my job about 4 weeks ago, so right after and leading up to that moment, I was dreaming constantly about work. Whatever is going on with me = comes up when I sleep.
It sounds to me like you are feeling more than a little weird about this female friend of his. I think you should talk to him about this – explain that while you don’t want to feel like a green-eyed monster here, it bothers you that someone other than you is relying on him for emotional support in this way. If this were my fiance, I’d have a big problem with it – I’m not a believer in completely platonic friendships between men and women. I’m not saying he is the one at fault here, because it appears he is pulling a little ‘save her’ thing with this girl, wanting to help out and fix her problems – whereas she sees him as her knight, wishing he could sweep her off her feet.
Your instincts in the situation probably are telling you what you need to know. You’re posting about nightmares, but you sound more like you need some help or reassurance about this situation. I would really advise that you talk to him pronto. Use it as a moment to discuss how you both feel about opposite-sex friendships as you move into marriage perhaps, especially if that is something you haven’t yet discussed.
Post # 4
I have A LOT of nightmares too, I think I posted about it about a month ago. It’s stress and anxiety really. I try to read before I fall asleep to turn off my brain, and I got some lavender pillow spray which is supposed to be calming and relaxing (if you can deal with the old lady smell). In any case, it seems to be working because I haven’t had any nightmares in a couple weeks.
That being said, I think that your FI’s friend is a whole different ball of wax here. I agree with Christalynn, you should be honest with your FI because it sounds like this is really on your mind. Even though you know he wouldn’t cheat and it sounds like you two have a great relationship, just getting your feelings out in the open will make you feel a lot better. I think too before you have this conversation, you need to figure out what he (and/or his friend) can do to make you feel more comfortable with the situation. Do you want him to stop talking to her? Only see her when they’re in groups? Or do you just need a hug and some reassurance? I think trying to figure out what would be ideal in your mind would really help you have this conversation with him. It’s not fair to say “I don’t like this, but I’m not going to tell you how to make me feel better about it”.
Post # 5
That was great insight Bakerella. I am going to back up her advice to figure out what would make you feel better BEFORE you discuss this with him.
One other thought about the nightmares issue is to try having a nighttime ritual – take a warm bath, do something relaxing, put on body lotion in a calming scent like lavender – Sometimes just having some down time before you rest will allow your mind to ease into sleep and be more peaceful.
Post # 6
Thank you both so much. I think everything you’ve said is true. I usually just avoid the subject because it’s easier to just let it go, but I’m sick of the nightmares and I think her reliance on him really does bother me. Thanks for the suggestions for how to bring it up.