(Closed) Nine months married…I hate myself for getting married to a deadbeat

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@fivemonthsnotice:  This is such a difficult situation to be in and I’m sorry you and your children are going through this. It’s hard to be with anyone who doesn’t have the same drive as yourself. But what’s worse is that it seems like he knew all of these facts ahead of time and he hid them from you.

In addition, you have 3 kids, you don’t want to be responsible for a grown man. Especially not someone who is supposed to be your parter. That alone could make you hate anyone.

So I would say yes your feelings are justified. Your very hurt and have every right to be. I hope counseling will help you. But if not I feel like you cannot be responsible for this man any longer then you are comfortable. And NO one can fault you for that. You have done more than enough for him already.

Post # 4
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  I am going on to my 3rd marriage…2nd time around I was totally naive and blindsided…after 6 years (4 married) with that d**k head I called it quits…he was a different person up until the wedding, then after that his true self came out..he was a total loser…yes I felt like a fool for a while but now I am back on top and with a totally amazing and strong man that I am marrying in a few months…I am 45!…Do what you have to…dont feel bad. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2963 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I read some of your other posts. I do believe if you stay with this man that you are destined to a life of frustration and misery. He mislead you in so many ways – and unless you feel like dealing with a man-child for heaven knows how long, you need to start considering your options.

 

Post # 6
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@fivemonthsnotice:  i remember your prior posts regarding your then fi’s financial mess.  i was hoping that things would get better for you but it doesn’t sound like it.  i think that you are in the state of full resentment towards the marriage and your dh.  not an easy emotion to let go of. 

i’m afraid that your dh is going to ruin your life financially.  the longer you stay in this marriage, the deeper you will fall.  you will be equally responsible for any of his debt while married (unless you had a prenup).  

i know that you’ve only been married a short time and would normally suggest some counselling but i would seriously consider a separation so that you can begin to rebuild your life.  you have 3 children to care for.  think about your future.  have you given any thought for an exit strategy?

Post # 7
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If counseling doesn’t help it may be time to let go. That really sucks though. As you said though he acts more like a child and a friend than a husband. hopefully counseling can change that

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

 

I am so sorry you’re going though this.  Without knowing him, on the surface it sounds like your husband is depressed.  The lack of motivation, lack of initiative, drive, passion, etc.  Regarding the seizures, etc – is he on a particular medication?  He is on your insurance?  You need counseling but it sounds like he does too.  Is he willing to talk with someone about his issues?

Post # 9
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@fivemonthsnotice:  I think you need to tell him everything you said on here. Not that he is a deadbeat, but tell him why you are upset and not getting the most out of your marriage. Surely he wouldn’t have gone through marrying you if he had no intention of putting some effort into your marriage!

I know a lot of people are saying you could give up on him, but I think you should be very open to him about these problems and start fresh. Start going on dates or even double dates so he becomes social and you can go out and have a little bit of fun. If he refuses then counselling could be a good idea, someone needs to talk some sense into this man!

Post # 10
Member
1350 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Does he have low self esteem? He doesn’t make plans, has no friends, isn’t very social, nervous at job interviews.. Maybe he could benefit from seeing a therapist alone?

I haven’t read your previous posts, so I’m not sure what kind of financial mess he has, but maybe it would be better if you were to control the finances? My FI is a bit of a spender, not wreckless with his money- any bills are always paid on time, we don’t go without, but he has trouble saving money. If he needs to save for something (right now it’s the honeymoon) he gives me all the money he has left over once all our expenses are paid and I lock it away in a safe. I am DEFINITELY the saver, and it makes sense that I should be in charge of finances because I’m good with them. If your husband isn’t, it would make sense that you should control the money (especially because you’re the breadwinner too).

How old are your children? I don’t believe that it is better to stay in an unhappy marriage for children than it is to be a single parent, but at the same time, aside from his anti-social tendencies and irresponsible financial history (both things that can be worked on) he sounds like a nice guy. It sounds like these problems could be fixed.

Post # 14
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I wonder if you can get an annulment on the grounds of fraud for all the stuff he concealed from you.

Post # 15
Member
846 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@CARA1978:  +1. Hit the nail on the head.

 

 

@fivemonthsnotice:  Two years into my current relationship with my FI (who I had also known for years) we hit a rough patch. Things bubbled over, the surface became sticky. He made promises, nothing was resolved. Eventually I suggested therapy and he started speaking more openly about his insecurities. Everything clicked into place, I understood him better, respected him more for opening up, loved him better for his struggles.

 

Make sure he speaks to someone, and try and root out the cause of his problems. If that fails, get out.

 

Good luck.

Post # 16
Hostess
7564 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@fivemonthsnotice:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think you both need to be open and honest with each other. He needs to be open about his finances and you need to be honest about your feelings. I think counseling would be good too. Out of curiousity, how old are your children? 

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