(Closed) No card, no gift, and lied about it. How would you handle?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

It is entirely possible that she did get you a gift but that the order was cancelled without her knowledge, as this happened multiple times to my mom and also another guest when they tried to get me items on my Bloomingdales registry. 

Stores are not allowed to “store” a credit card number for more than 30 days. Many registry items like china and crystal are special order only, meaning that even if you go to the store they will just take your credit card and order it. A LOT of special order items take more than 30 days to precess. After 30 days, if the order hasn’t been fulfilled, the store just cancels the order. Sometimes they notify the buyer, but most of the time they don’t. So your friend might have ordered you a gift and assumed you got it, but in reality the order was just cancelled. The policy sucks.

In my case I knew what was happening, but I only told my mom and never mentioned it to the other guest. Just too awkward to explain, and really I was happy enough knowing that she did at least try to get us a gift. I sent a thank-you to the other guest anyway.

Post # 4
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Is she expecting a thnak you card from you??  If so, or if you wanted to write one, I would just say thanks for coming to the wedding, I was really happy to share my special day with you.  Other than that you can’t really do anything, and it kinda sucks.  There could be a toally reasonable explination for the gift or card not being there.  Maybe she put her husband in charge of it and he left it in the car or is fell somewhere.  And like you said, you don’t care about the gift, you just wanted her there, and she came.  Don’t stress over it and let it cause tension that you have to live with at work every single day.

Post # 5
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

if she told you she sent a gift, maybe it was lost or misplaced. I would tell her that you are putting together thank you cards and you are concerned that you cant find her gift. i mean, why would she say she brought a gift if she didnt. I had people tell me they were going to send gifts (that never came), but no one claimed to have sent one and I didnt receive it.

I feel your slight though.  especially since you see her every day!  bring it up.  if she didnt really sent a gift, at least she can be uncomfortable for a bit.

Post # 7
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I really don’t think that there is anything that you can do. You just need to move on entirely. If you want to be really nice, write a thank you card just thanking her for attending. Some people just suck. 🙂

Post # 8
1044 posts
Bumble bee

I just sent a thank you card to thank her for coming to the wedding so that maybe the couple we invited would get a clue to send us a gift.  Some people are just selfish.  At least you weren’t in a situation like my sister-in-law who’s maid of honor didn’t give her a gift and literally had the audacity to tell her that she doesn’t give people wedding gifts.  She stated the only person she ever gave a wedding gift was to her twin sister when she got married.  Talk about bull!

Post # 9
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would quit mentioning it to her.  Send her a card thanking her for coming and be done with it. 

Post # 10
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I have to say that it doesn’t matter if she bought you a gift or not.  Even if she lied about it – I’m not sure how the subject was brought up in the first place.  You hosted a wedding ceremony and reception and all you can expect from a guest is the pleasure of their company, anything beyond that is a bonus.  Although it’s proper etiquette to bring a gift to the wedding, it’s not a requirement.  She didn’t commit to pay for her meal and then not reimburse you…

Post # 12
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@AR0307 – I’m afraid that this is just one of those topics where is very easy to sound gift grabby, regardless of what your intent was.  (And although you may have just wanted a card, most of your post was about the missing gift. It wouldn’t be hard to for a reader to come to a conclusion different than what you mean.)

Post # 13
2476 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That is just WEIRD!  I don’t get why she would lie about it!  Seriously bizarre… some people are just strange like that, but it sounds like you guys are pretty close, so it makes it even more bizarre to me!  Sorry you’re facing this situation; I hope you smooth it out soon.  🙂

Post # 14
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Lying through her teeth (even about a gift card) sounds pretty neurotic – which makes me think that that vast majority of the population wouldn’t do it.

Is it possible that she never got around to stopping payment, or that there was a problem with the process, and she’s embarrased to admit it? I mean, seriously, is she even slightly ‘blonde’ (in behavior, not hair color)?

It’s also possible that she feels your hinting is rude, and that you’re asking for the gift after the fact.

I’d agree with CorgiTales – write her a thank you note and let it go. It’s done.

Post # 15
2641 posts
Sugar bee

AR0307, I understand how you feel.  You’ve been there for her, and have acted with proper etiquette.  She seems to not have done that.  Based on what you said, it’s not as though she doesn’t have the money for a gift of some kind.  And while soemthing could have slipped her mind, after briging it up mor than once, how can someone keep forgetting???

However, as some pps have said, some people just suck.  I agree write her a thank you note for coming to the wedding.  (I’d make it like two short sentences.)  Maybe she’ll snap back to humanity one day.  But whatelse can you do??  Just let it be, and know for next time that you might not want to get tangled in her social events, or go sans gift.

Post # 16
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

That really stinks!  

What I’m learning though, is no matter how much money a person has, some people just aren’t thoughtful in the gift giving department.  For whatever reason, they can’t see that their lack of gifting or even acknowledging (with a card) an event like a wedding is important.  I think people figure that there are so many presents, that it won’t really matter if you get one less.  

I hope your co-worker manages to surprise you with a gift later on – but, based on what you’ve said, I don’t think that will be the case.  

If I were you, I’d send her a thank you for attending the wedding and leave it at that.  

Maybe she isn’t lying about the AMEX card – or maybe she was so embarrassed that she didn’t, that she made the story up.  How did that conversation come about?

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