No card or gift from 1 wedding guest… now SHE'S getting married

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

A nice card with heartfelt wishes would be appropriate for a destination wedding.

Post # 3
5439 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
victoriadotcom :  

Why won’t you give them a gift or at least a card? I know you are spending a lot of money, but you yourself were upset with your friend for doing that to you, why would you do the same?

Are you looking to get back at her by not giving her anything? If that’s your reason, it’s not a good one.

The least you can do is be the bigger person and give her a card. I think this is only a question for you because you are still holding a grudge about her not giving you so much as a card at your wedding.

Post # 4
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Most of my cousins got married and had kids way before me, and my parents and I (I was a kid still living at home) always gave gifts for showers and weddings. None of them gave anything at my wedding, not even a card. I have only gotten a handful of thank you cards for the wedding gifts I’ve given over the years. Some people just don’t have good etiquette. You don’t respond to poor etiquette with poor etiquette of your own. At the very least, get them a card, and maybe throw in a token gift card to a home goods store if you like. But I always take the route of being the bigger person so no one ever has reason to talk smack behind my back. 

Post # 5
7810 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You live in London and they are getting married outside of London–they traveled to Italy for your wedding. Are you really comparing the two?

Don’t be petty, Bee. 

Post # 6
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’d definitely still give a card and gift. The gift can be on the more modest side of the scale, but I do think it’s better to be the bigger person in these scenarios. 


Post # 7
3235 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Umm you give them a card because you know it’s the right thing to do. You also need to get over the fact she didn’t give you a gift. 

Post # 8
5634 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I don’t think these situations are the same, if you don’t want to get her a gift or even a card then just own that but don’t try and pretend it is justified. 

Post # 9
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I would definitely give at least a card and probably a small gift (particularily if you are close with them). You never know – maybe they did actually give you a card and gift and then it got lost in the shuffle somehow, how would you feel then?

Out of curiosity, does this friend live in England as well (near the wedding) or are they travelling from Canada too?

Post # 10
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

I would give a card and gift, but I never gift expecting anything in return or keep count on who has given me what.  As PP stated, if you choose not to give them anything, just own it; don’t try to justify it.

Post # 11
1578 posts
Bumble bee

I’d say give them a nice heartfelt card. Your choice whether or not you add cash or a gift. Really depends how much you enjoy being friends with them. There is always usually something cheap on a registry. Maybe go with that. I’d say in general that you doing what gives you any sort of revenge feeling towards them just isn’t worth it. It’s just a bad life policy to act on those kinds of feelings. It doesn’t bless your life in any way. Remember the saying, revenge is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die. It only hurts you to hit back at her like she did to you. 

My cousin is getting married and she is THE WORST most selfish person I have ever met. I’m going to her wedding in 3 weeks but only because my boyfriend is coming with as my date. We are going because it is the only opportunity for my boyfriend to meet a lot of my family. My cousins husband is just as much of a jerk as she is. I went on her registry and got her hand towels for like 15 dollars. So I compromised. I am still being polite but am not spending hardly any money on her. 

Post # 12
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I am of the belief that when someone travels internationally for your wedding, their attendance is their gift. Yes, it would have been much more polite for her to give a card as well with sincere wishes. When you attend her wedding, a card would be equally valid and welcome. But viewing it as tit-for-tat in this way (she didn’t get you anything, so you’re going to pointedly do the same) is unkind and ungracious. 

Post # 13
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I dunno dude, when my bff had a destination wedding in Europe, I didn’t get her a card or a gift either. In retrospect I probaby should have gotten her a card, but it didn’t even occur to me at the time. My flight alone cost over $1000, and I was like 23, not in a position to spend more on a gift. She made it clear that she did not want gifts either because she knew what an investment it was for us just to get there. I don’t see your weddings as remotely comparable. If you can afford to give her a gift, I would do so. It doesn’t have to be expensive.

Post # 14
3513 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

it is odd there was no card. It is a bit of an unspoken rule though that gifts aren’t expected for destination weddings.

You should always give a card. For Brits the lack of a card will be more noticable than the lack of a gift.

Post # 15
1671 posts
Bumble bee

Just get her a card. Is that so hard to do?

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