No card or gift from 1 wedding guest… now SHE'S getting married

posted 1 year ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Be the person you want to be, not the person you think your friend should have been.  Give a tasteful gift that’s within your budget (and if your budget allows for a thoughtful card that’s ok too).  Don’t make it tit for tat.

Post # 32
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

victoriadotcom :  they spent good time and money to go to Italy for your wedding, and you are upset they didn’t get you a gift?

Going outside of town is not the same thing at all! You are looking for excuses to not get her a gift obviously.

You either are 

1) not a gift giver, which is fine

2)  petty, trying to get back at her, which, if you want to be like that, fine too.

Post # 33
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

You had a destination wedding, it’s entirely different. Maybe they intended on giving you a card and honestly just forgot, who cares! This post comes off as very petty and immature, don’t be that person! Get the gift.

Post # 34
Member
9097 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is the one thing I hate most about “wedding culture.” I see it on this website all the time and it makes me continually roll my eyes.

“I didn’t get a card or a gift! The fact that they were at my wedding means nothing! I need to be able to hold their warm, squishy well wishes in my hands and read them whenever I want to know that they are real!”

Bring your friend a card and a gift if you feel like it. You’re overthinking this.

Post # 35
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

victoriadotcom :  This is extremely petty and childish. Do what you want to do, but just the notion that “well she didnt get me anything, so I shouldnt get her something” is so immature. 

Post # 36
Member
2801 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I would still give a card and a small gift. There’s a pretty big difference between flying to a different country and driving just out of town. 

Post # 37
Member
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Hallmark would be happy to know that so many people believe cards without gifts are the minimum obligatory requirement for a wedding guest. Untrue. 

While of course always a nice gesture, it’s gifts which are,depending on your perspective, either extremely customary or de rigeur. A note, card, or letter with well wishes is required when you are invited to a wedding but can NOT attend. Otherwise, common sense and etiquette would agree that well wishes are the most sentimental and meaningful of all when they happen in person. 

But to answer the question, the amount spent on a wedding gift should be connected to your budget and the closeness of the relationship. 

That said, despite the prevalent belief on this site that destination weddings imply a gift should not be involved, there is no such rule, in either direction. Budget relates to ability to attend. If I were so strapped that I could not afford any gift at all, even something modest, I’d also consider myself too strapped to attend someone’s destination wedding.

That brings us to another reason etiquette has no such rule for destination weddings and that is most of them are discouraged as being inconsiderate to guests in the first place, so the point is moot.

Of course on the receiving end, gifts are never, ever supposed to be an entitlement or expectation, whether it’s a destination wedding or local. 

Post # 38
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

I would probably get a small gift. Nothin big. A lot of these people are giving you good mom advice, but I’m not looking to be taken advantage of. She flew all the way to your wedding empty-handed. No one could think that’s normal etiquette. I would be cautious of doing her favors after something like that.

Post # 39
Member
3530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You come off as super entitled and petty. 

She traveled to Italy for your friggin wedding. She spent a lot of money and time to be there. THAT is gift enough. It’s ridiculous to expect gifts at a Destination Wedding. That other people chose to doesn’t mean she was wrong not to. Grow up.

Post # 41
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Allaboutthedogs :  sorry I don’t see where you are going with this. 

Summary would be: I lived with my cousin at a house she ran as the house manager. During the time I lived there I handled everything. I cleaned, stocked supplies, and was the only one who cared about doing house duties. She didn’t clean anything in the whole 3 years she managed that place and I lived there. She refused to take on cleaning duties when all the roommates requested a chore schedule. She also got free rent in exchange for managing it. She raised my rent but no one else’s in that 4 bedroom house. She also got her dad, my uncle to strong arm me Into moving out in the dead of winter on the East Coast. Her boyfriend would stay over for weekends and eat all the other roommates food. He would use my shampoo, soap, face wash and towels with no understanding that was rude. He called my cousin fat to her face multiple times and in front of me. So they are both awful people. My cousin also lied to her family that her boyfriend was sleeping on the couch when he visited and put me in a position to cover her lie. My cousin has made zero effort with our family to have relationships with them. Because of that I am the only Cousin attending her wedding. Only aunts and uncles are going. So no, I don’t feel bad in the slightest for attending her wedding for my own reasons. She was awful to me. I am even keeping her secret from the family that she got married months ago in a whole ceremony with her and his family. She doesn’t want people to know bc she is worried they wouldn’t show up to her “for show” bigger wedding. So no, I’ve been a great cousin to her. The fact that I even got her a gift at all is me being more than the bigger person here. Btw this is the tip of the iceberg with her behavior. She is 29 so you can imagine I’ve been dealing with her and her crap for a looong time. 

Post # 42
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t really care what you decide to do, but you sound pretty petty and awful bringing up the fact that she didn’t get you a gift.  Yes, she did.  She put her body at your destination wedding — which involved flight and hotel costs.  And food at the times you weren’t feeding her, etc.  So unless you paid for her hotel, flew her out there, and fed her 3 meals a day for the duration of the time she was there: she very generously gifted you.  It is a ridiculously self-centered concept to think that taking vacation days for someone’s wedding, buying flights, booking hotels and budgeting food costs is somehow an “amazing opportunity” for the guest.  

It is pretty universally understood that showing up at your destination wedding is the gift. So for whatever reason, she didn’t get you a card that emphasized that; I think that’s fine.

I do not think it is fine that you are actively searching for a reason to also not get her a gift because you don’t appreciate the effort, financial costs and time she gifted you for your wedding.  I would feel terrible as a friend if I didn’t honor the friendship she showed by flying to my destination wedding by putting equal effort and joy into the celebration of her wedding.

Post # 43
Member
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

By the way, just because no couple should be thinking in terms of gifts in any case, does not mean they shouldn’t be extremely appreciative and grateful when a guest spends an incredible amount of time and money just to attend. I absolutely would not expect anything on that end. 

Post # 44
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Honestly what’s with guests who don’t give gifts. We had a few who did this and I think it’s the height of rudeness.  One couple are always at our house, bragging about how much money they earn and they showed up empty handed. If they got married, I wouldn’t want to give them anything either. I would give them something as I couldn’t not. Something small though 

Post # 45
Member
2326 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

I would just be the bigger person and not be vindictive about it. You never know the real story, and you probably wont. there may have been a good reason for not getting a gift. or maybe it was lost or stolen? sent and delivered to wrong address. maybe they think they sent something, and now they are judging you for not sending a thank you note. 

I donno, just trying to put a different perspective on it. I could be wrong. Just saying that holding a grudge doesn’t look good on anyone. 

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