(Closed) No children at the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think that generally exceptions are made for nursing mothers of infants, especially for a bridesmaid. Honestly, I would be kind of pissed if I were your cousin, too. Sorry, I guess I’m not really much help, but you’re presumably close with this woman and it is very difficult to be away from your 3 month old all night.

Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@FutureHalla: Personally I would make the exception. She is obviously close enough to you for you to ask her to be a bridesmaid. I would rather have a 3 month old at the reception than have someone that close not attend at all. I’m sure if the baby starts crying or needs to be fed during the reception she will sneak off somewhere to take care of it. Also is she local? It would be difficult to leave a 4 month old at home for any extended period of time In My Humble Opinion.

Post # 5
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Our niece was 6 weeks old at our wedding and she wasn’t invited. It helped that my Brother-In-Law & SIL wanted a night off and didn’t have an issue with it but even if they did, we wouldn’t have budged. It worked out for us because my SIL’s parents came into town that weekend and stayed with the baby in their hotel room (we were married at the same resort) so my SIL just went back and forth every few hours to feed. Is it possible to make arrangements like we did for your cousin?

Post # 7
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

3 months is a bit young for a new mom, especially if it’s her first baby, to be ok with leaving her kid at home with someone else for an entire day and night.  It won’t have been long enough for her to really want that kind of extended break.  I think that she is being a bit ridiculous that she is trying to emotionally blackmail you rather than sit you down and explain how she feels and work with you on a compromise that works for the both of you but you should be the bigger person and talk to her about this yourself.  She’s obviously close to you as she is a bridesmaid, you should be able to talk to her about this.

You could have her dad be on baby duty for the day and during the ceremony–if she’s nursing then she should be pumping and will probably have a bit of a stash of breast milk that he can feed to the baby and she can pump and dump during the day–she’ll be drinking alcohol and eating who knows what so she would be pumping and dumping anyway–rich food and alcohol are not good for breast milk.  Her dad can leave the ceremony with the baby if it gets fussy and he can leave the reception early to put the baby down for the night and watch it until your cousin gets home.  Your uncle could tag team with the baby’s dad or with your aunt or any number of relatives who could help out. 

Post # 8
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds as though your cousin is considering her realistic options as a mother of a breast-fed infant attending a no-children wedding. She can either not go, go and have someone shuttle the infant (or her) back and forth to feed it, or have the father not go and feed it pumped milk while she presumably relieves her breasts by pumping during the party. You have been openly talking about your “no children” plans; why shouldn’t she be equally open about the alternatives that she is left with? Not feeding the child, ignoring the child, choosing not to produce milk — none of these are options.

The only other option not open to her, is to bring uninvited people to your party, and that is not an option that she has mentioned (going by your account). So if you want to stand your ground then stand your ground. Sympathise openly that parents do have their options limited by their choice to have children. Be openly understanding that your cousin or your uncle might miss parts of the celebration, and be supportive of that option.

Even those of us who chose not to procreate personally, benefit from the fact that other people procreate, so it behooves us to tolerate and be understanding of parents. Not only is my CPP income coming directly from the CPP contributions currently being made by other people’s offspring, but had my brother not chosen to have children, and his children had children likewise, then I would have no heirs and no acid-tongued future etiquette-maven to whom to leave my fish-forks.

Post # 9
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you’re hearing it through the grapevine then I’d honestly just sit her down and ask her point-blank if she’s experiencing trouble with the decision.  I wouldn’t do it in an aggressive way, but more in a concerned way.  But you absolutely need to have your mind made up if you’re going to allow just her, or  no one, to bring their child.  If she’s that close to you, and in your party, you should be able to have this conversation in front of each other instead of behind backs.

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I have to say that she was hoping you would be more supportive. A nursing mom can’t be away that long. She will be soaking wet and will have a hungry baby at home. A three month old will be sleeping the whole time anyway. You should be more supportive of your friend!

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

When my daughter was that young I wouldn’t have been away for a night without her, and none of my friends would have expected me to.

Post # 12
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I wouldn’t let her guilt me into budging. Children at formal events is not my thing at all, and, if we had a ceremony, I wouldn’t have been ok with anyone bringing their children (especially small children). In my experience they are often loud and bothersome (just my opinion), which is one of the many reasons I chose not to have any. Don’t get me wrong, I like children and enjoy their company at the appropriate times. I just don’t think a wedding is one of those times. She chose to have children and, therefore, complicate things for herself. She should understand that this is your wedding, and you should be allowed to not have children there if you don’t want to. Plus, she knew this well in advance. I have nothing against parents (to each his own), but I absolutely hate when they think everyone else’s decisions should revolve around what is best/most convenient for them and their children. 

Post # 13
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@KatyElle:  This.

Generally people consider young breastfed infants as exceptions to no-kids rules. If you don’t, then you’ll have to accept that unfortunately your cousin won’t be attending your wedding, and you’ll have to be okay with her not being there, and with any potential repercussions of your decision on your relationship with her.

ETA – I reread my comment and realised it might come off like I think you (or others having no-kid weddings) are awful or something and I wanted to clarify that I don’t – it’s up to you, but just realise that if you’d like a no-kids wedding there are probably going to be people who mean a lot to you that won’t be able to attend due to their family obligations. I think the possibility for mutual hurt/misunderstanding in this kind of situation could lead to some lingering feelings afterward, which you might want to try and avoid by discussing the situation with her so that you’re both on the same page about knowing what’s possible and what’s not going to be an option for both sides.

Post # 14
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We’re in a very similar position – we’ve had a no kids rule from the very beginning.  When I asked one of my friends to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she got pregnant soon after, and knew our no kids rule from the get-go.  I was preparing myself for her to back out of the wedding since her kid will be about 4 months old at the time, Fiance and I are absolutely not budging on our rule, and the wedding is about 2,000 miles away from her.  But she’s been very supportive and adamant that she will be attending and in the wedding, and that she’ll be leaving her baby at home with either her husband or some friends.  We’ll see if she’s able to when the time comes.  I support if she doesn’t want to be away from her baby and would rather stay home, but for us it would create a nightmare from many aspects if we started breaking the rule for specific people.  So, I’m prepared in case she can’t attend at the last minute, and she’s well aware of our wishes for our wedding.  Best of luck in your situation and I hope it all works out!

Post # 15
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

And no, I do not expect the world to revolve around my child and I, but I’d probably bow out of the wedding with well wishes and a nice gift. Not all that complicated, really.

 

Post # 16
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@KatyElle:  I think that would be a completely reasonable reaction. I wasn’t implying everyone demands others make decisions based on them and their child. You are obviously one of the parents who does not expect this special treatment, but many do. 

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