Post # 1
I am taking B-School, an online business course, and one of the assignments we have is to find out what our strengths are. It was suggested we email 25 people and ask them for their feedback. I didn’t feel comfortable doing that with 25 people so I sent a Facebook message to 7 girls I’ve been friends with over the years and asked for their input. I thought each of them would give some interesting insight and I even set up a google form survey, so they could submit their responses anonymously if they liked.
I only got a response from one. I realize it is Facebook, and I’m certainly guilty of reading messages and forgetting to respond, but I can’t help but take it a little personally, especially when I can see who read my message!
Then I was talking to my Mom recently about my wedding. We’re having a very intimate wedding, no more than 30 people. The private room we’re renting at the restaurant we’re going to requires a minimum of 20, or else you get charged extra. We were counting up the guests and I realized with all of us, there will be only 19, if everyone we invite comes. I’m inviting 2 friends and the one friend’s husband. My fiance is inviting his best friend and his girlfriend. The rest are family.
We definitely have more friends we can invite, but we want the wedding to just include the people we feel closest to. This all has made me realize I really don’t have close friends anymore. I did in high school, but in college I met my fiance and my focus went to him. Since college I haven’t really made new close friends. The 2 girls I’m inviting I’ve known since I was kid, and even my relationships with them feel like they’re starting to fade. I know this is natural, but it saddens me to realize that outside of my fiance, I am alone. I have friends to hang out with, but I don’t have that deeper connection to them like I do my older friends (and to be honest I don’t really have girlfriends, it’s just me, my fiance and all of our friends who hang out together).
Anyone else experiencing this? Is it okay that my fiance is my closest friend and I’ll just have a few friends to hang out with time to time but nothing more? I feel lonely, but I’m wondering if this is just how it is with adult friendships, especially once you’ve found your spouse.
Post # 2
I’m totally experiencing this, between college and grad school quality friendships just didnt survive. 🙁
Post # 3
The beauty of having a life partner is that he/she is your closest relation. I’ve gone to school in so many different places and have always been career focused, so I don’t really have any close friends either. DH has a few really, really good friends from college. I think it’s mainly because he’s a sweet, loyal guy, but he also has a more flexible job.
Post # 4
WARNING: What I’m about to type is not entirely a popular idea.
No it’s not like this once you find a spouse. Maybe here in the Bee, but in the real world, majority of people I know have close friends well into their old age. It may not be 50 or so, but they have people they can say they are close to.
Friendship is a type of relationship. Much like you work to keep you romantic relationship, you should also work on your platonic relationship. If you want closer friends, you work more towards that friendship. It’s like a bank: you cannot deposit $2 and say, oh yeah I have a great account. You need to dedicate money and time for it to grow into a great account. Like friendships, you need to “deposit” time, effort, and love for it to grow into a big “account”.
If you are satisfied to have just friends, acquaintances, then there’s nothing wrong with that. For me, I like to have close friends other than my SO. I need them to diversify my outlook in life, to tell me when I’m being a b*tch, to share milestones of my life with, to grow old with, to bicker with, to celebrate with, to commisserate with, etc. There are so many levels of platonic relationships that I want for myself, aside from the love of my SO.
When I came to the Bee, then I see these posts and it makes me slightly sad.
Post # 5
I agree. I know everyone is different but a group of people who can fulfill different needs is important for both me and my partner. My friendship group is changing as lots are getting married and having kids but we work at keeping in touch. I am generally not the sort to feel lonely so it’s not like I am out all the time – but i take comfort in knowing there are a couple of people I could call in a crisis, and vice versa. My 2 closest friends are ones I made as an adult so people who say it’s harder aren’t entirely correct in my experience.
Post # 6
I think it can be okay OR not okay that your fiancé is your closest friend – your happiness is what matters. If you feel lonely maybe it’s not entirely ok?
FWIW, my situation is very similar to yours. Fi really is my best friend and closest confidant.
Some of the things that have helped me:
(1) With friends that I used to be close to, Ive changed my perspective on how/why people stop being friends & consider it more of an ebb & flow of life. It seems like it takes the pressure off of having to have DEEP relationships with everyone ALL the time.
(2) I’ve let go of the idea of having an all around deep relationship with every individual. I have different things in common with different friends and thats what we have deep/personal conversations about. Dont expect (or be disappointed when) one friend isnt “ALL THE THINGS.”
Post # 7
PPl grow and change it OK to not be friends with the same ppl you were friends with in grade school or college… your not the same person!!! Its the quality of the friendships that matter not the number!!!!
Post # 8
It’s funny…I just posted a somewhat similar topic wondering if it is more difficult for people to make friends when they’re in relationships. Recently I’ve moved to a new city with my SO and it’s been difficult. I found myself thinking that if we were single we would probably be making friends more quickly. I suppose that’s because when you’re single, having friends and a social circle becomes more of a priority since we don’t have that other person constantly there for us. I know that in the past I’ve let my social life outside my SO fade as a result of my relationship and spending so much time together. It wasn’t intentional and I almost didn’t realize it was happening, but it did.
I’m really trying to make it a goal to make more friends here, both with my SO and by myself, because I feel like not having any is making us a bit too dependent on each other. And plus, obviously, I miss having girlfriends I can talk to! This forum is awesome but doesn’t replace the need for RL friendships
I hope you make it a point to create some real friendships with new people because it sounds like you miss it too!
Post # 9
I feel the same way 🙁 our guest list is 40 people and I have a work friend coming who I’ve know for about a year. Other than that no friends. Its extremely lonely. I wish I had some advice on how ot make friends or make it better but I would love some of that myself.
Post # 10
My social life has significantly dwindled through years and now it is almost non existent. It does happen through life phases. Sometimes friendships don’t last. But the difference from what you posted is, I’m not lonely. I quite like it actually..
If you’re lonely the only way to combat that is to nurture whatever outside ties you’ve got. Build on those, reach out and make an effort. Or you and your SO can join sports or activities that introduces some new people.
Btw your small intimate wedding sounds absolutely lovely.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
swirlyclover86: you said what I was gonna say.
It is not “natural” to lose friends once you find a spouse. Your friendships deserve attention and care as well. it is up to you to nurture your relationships, that includes friendships. if they are fading, make some more effort and rebuild some solid relationships.
Post # 12
I’ve experienced with. I had “a lot” of
close friends from high school and college….and slowly drifted apart. By the time my wedding came, I realized I only had 2 best friends (outside of my spouse) and one table with friends….we only wanted to invite 38 guests….I could have filled the room with 200 People, but I wanted the people that Im truly “close with.” This didn’t phase me. I’m happy. We are not in college anymore. I like my husband being my bestfriend, but I appreciate the other 2 closest friends in my life
Post # 13
I’m the same way.. I’m not having bridesmaids, and if I was I wouldn’t know who to ask! I’m inviting 6 freinds to my wedding – 4 from HS and 2 co-workers. I made a total of 0 friends in college.
Just don’t feel like you need to have a ton of freinds becuase a lot of other people do… I embrace the fact that I’m an independent spirit (aka a loner) My Fiance is my closest freind too, and besides my sister, he’s really the only freind I need!!
Post # 14
My Fiance is totally my best friend (besides my mum). I have 2 close friends who I see time from time, they both have kids and I work full time, there really isn’t enough time in the day to please everyone.
I don’t feel sad that I only have 2 friends, I did have a big group at school and to be honest the bitchiness was crazy so I distanced myself as soon as we all left.
I think to many friends is to much hassle lol. Xxxx
Post # 15
My closest friends aren’t local, but we still put the time and energy to keep the friendships going. Sure, some friendships dwindle as your life changes and you move on to new stages, but I still have some great friends from college that I reallly believe will still be my best friends decades from now. My local friends are more couple friends that DH and I have together, but that’s okay with me.
I love my DH and value DH’s friendship, but we were LDR for a long time, which, tough as it was, gave me a chance to develop really deep friendships with other people. They supported me then and they’ve had my back since – and I’ve done the same for them. They snap me out of it, too, when I’m not being the best person I can me or if I’m being dramatic – DH will sometimes, but he loves me too much to be really effective at that.