(Closed) No clue how to proceed with this with ILs. VENT and need advice!

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@Treasure43: I don’t think any way is going to turn out constructive. Not because you won’t try but because it seems like your SIL is causing problems on purpose by crying to her mommy. If she honestly wanted to clear things up and thought you hated her she would either speak to her brother or she would go straight to you.

 

Sorry if it wasn’t helpful, but just thought you should be prepared for this response.

Post # 4
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Whoa. First I’m glad you that reached an understanding with Mother-In-Law regarding future communications and I hope she also understands why you hadn’t called her in a week due to your own needs — she needn’t take it personally, but it is nice she cares so much to hear from you often.

Regarding the SIL, you are hearing that SIL is upset filtered through the Mother-In-Law, the same Mother-In-Law who might be exaggerating things because this conversation took place in the same context of her upset with not hearing from you in a week. So, Mother-In-Law may still have been riding that wave of emotion when she said, “and by the way, SIL is upset with you, too!” Again, direct communication is key, so even though your past with SIL has been strained, you need to address things with SIL fresh and just between you two. Try to meet with SIL in person (no phone, no email, no text…in person only) so that there is no misunderstanding of tone or the written word or anything. Face to face. Go to lunch, shopping, whatever, and find a point where you can talk with her. If that won’t work, try a phone call. As for what you say, don’t drag it out, keep it brief. Tell her that she is important to you and that you acknowledge her feelings. Tell her you are genuinely excited about her pregnancy and ask how she is doing with it. Offer to go shopping with her for baby clothes, and do it. Don’t make it about the past — make it about now, and the future. See what I mean? This way you two can build something positive for the future instead of bickering about who said what or who didn’t do enough before. You could end up going in circles forever like that.

If SIL refuses to acknowledge what you’re doing or refuses to be civil to you, than it is SHE that is the cause of the rift between her and her brother, NOT YOU. If Mother-In-Law doesn’t realize this, then that is too bad. You will have done all you can at that point. Just live your life peacefully and cordially seeing her at future family functions.

Post # 5
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is hard because I don’t know what your relationship with her is like. I know you said it is awkward because you two are so different, but would it be totally weird if you approached her honestly?

If not, I would call her and ask her if you could stop by. I would be totally upfront with her and tell her that you and Mother-In-Law had a heart to heart, and that Mother-In-Law mentioned some things about her, and how she was upset. I would ask her what her concerns are and then go from there.

If that conversation is not possible maybe tell Darling Husband to talk to her.

I don’t know, it sounds like your Mother-In-Law is being kinda hypersensitive and a little needy. Again, I don’t know the whole situation though.

Post # 6
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yea, I agree with stawberryavalanche.

This is a really weird situation. She could be doing this for attention for a couple of different reasons. 1.) If you husband is her only brother or even favorite brother, than she may be jealous of the fact that you are now his wife and her role in his life has taken a step down. 2.) She could be upset at the fact that you and your Mother-In-Law get along so well, especially if she is the only daughter. She seems to be a bit selfish from what I read above. And the reason that she isn’t coming to you with her “problems” is because then she can’t talk crap about you anymore.

I honestly don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t talk to her just you 2 though because that could get messy and she could take anything you say and twist it and tell her mother. I would talk to your Mother-In-Law first and maybe the 3 of you could talk it out? I don’t know, like I said, this is a weird situation and I don’t think anything positive could come out of you talking to her because she refuses to bring her problems to you in the first place.

All I have to say is good luck!!! I hope it all works out!

Post # 9
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Wtf?  You didn’t ask what the baby was going to call them?  That is really ridiculous!  At this point, I’d be pretty pissed, too.  Your SIL needs to come to YOU with her problems, not her mommy.  I feel like she is just stirring the pot.  What does she want you guys to do?  Crowd around and kiss her feet, await for her baby to be born?!  Geez!  I know you’re close to your Mother-In-Law, but she is also behaving ridiculously.  She is acting like a kid because you didn’t call or text her all week?  Umm, it takes two. 

Your SIL is obviously craving some attention.  She and your Mother-In-Law are being extremely dramatic.  I think you should confront your SIL.  Just be like, “I am really excited to become an aunt, I can’t wait for baby to be born.  I’m not sure what all you expect for me to do to prove this, but you should consider addressing that with me, instead of your mother.”

Post # 10
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your SIL has some major issues then. None of which stem from you. If anything, I would call her up and have a heart to heart. I mean, I guess the absolute WORST that can come out of it would be she twisted your words around to make you look like an insensative brat. But because she seems to already be doing so, I don’t think you have much to lose.

I could also see how involving you Darling Husband and/or Mother-In-Law could make it worse because they put themselves in the middle, they could also be the first to lay blame somewhere and no one would want that. If you do anything at all, I’d call her up. Either way it’s a sticky situation.

Post # 11
Member
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I swear, attension-whoredom is worldwide phenomenon. If your SIL was so hurt she should have come to you first and your Mother-In-Law should have instructed her to do the same. And I also hate when people play the “you didn’t call me” card. Grow up.

Post # 13
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Treasure43: That IS ridiculous and the only thing that came to mind when reading your post is that she sounds like an angsty pregnant woman who never learned to deal with conflict in a mature way. 

I hate hate hate how people who have a problem with you or me, don’t tell us to our faces…. the fact that she went to her mom is really immature. 

I’d approach her about it honestly and explain to her you are different people, your version of happy and excited for her apparently isn’t reaching her expectations. That is silly of her. 

It sounds like you have done nothing wrong at all here so I have to say I think the blame lies with them. You and Fiance are not cutting them out of your lives, you are just different people. I’m sorry this is going on right now. 🙁 The immaturity of some adults drives me nuts, my FIL’s are a bit of a nut case too! 

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