Post # 1
Hi I am at my wits end and wanted some advice please.
I am 33 and have been going out with my boyfriend, 32, for over 4.5 years.
We are very happy together but lately i have been getting itchy feet and want us to move forward with our relationship.
He still lives at home with his parents and family and he stays with me at weekends etc.
The problem is that he cannot communicate with me at all on serious matters. He seems to be very guarded and wont open up about private matters at all. When i mentioned buying a house and asked him if he would be interested in coming in with me or coming to see it he went completely quiet. I brought it up a few times and he said he has no interest in the house.
I tried to explain that i wanted the house for us and thought it would be a great idea but again i got silence. I said you need to make some decisions at some point as you cant keep floating forever and he seemed to get agitated.
i dont know what to do as i am thinking of when we will get married and move in together and dont know what he is thinking as he wont talk about anything. How can i get him to open up?
i am a very independant woman and have a good job and own a few properties so i am not wanting to financially depend on him or anything, i just want us to move forward.
he lives at home and has no outgoings so has never made the independant move before and i know he thinks so much about everything but do i have to do all the work??
can someone please advise me as to what i should do?
Post # 3
Just the fact that he lives at home with his parents at 32 is a GIANT red flag. Unless there are some special circumstances – i.e. Parents are sick, etc.
He doesn’t seem to be interested in a future with you, tbh. He even said he’s not interested in a house for you two. I would try to think about if this is really the man for you, and if you’re willing to stay if he’s never ready to move forward.
Post # 4
hi thanks for the reply. He lives at home and i have no problem with that as he has not had any real serious relationships before we started dating.
He is an integral part of my life and I love him very much so i am hoping we have a future. We talk about going on holidays and are looking at one for the summer now but it just seems that any commitment type things he cant seem to open up about. I honestly dont know what he is thinking and just wish he would open up to me.
and no i would not be happy if he is never ready to move forward
Im feeling so sad tonight 🙁
Post # 5
I’m so sorry… But if he’s in his 30s and still lives at home, he doesn’t ever intend to change that. He gets you on the weekend, and his family during the week. He’s got (in his mind) a sweet gig going on. I don’t think he’ll ever change it.
Post # 7
he has been out of work for quite a long time and has just got a job again in january so i was thinking that he is afraid as he cannot commit financially and i dont want to put pressure on him as i know he doesnt earn as much as me
Post # 8
Why hasn’t he had any serious relationships prior to yours? You said he’s 32 and that you’ve been together for 4.5 years, so that would make him roughly 28 years old without a serious relationship. Again, to me that is a red flag.
Does he have any desire to move out? What are his own personal goals? Does he have a good job? Does your success/drive intimidate him?
I understand that you love him very much, but sometimes you have to take a step back and tell yourself that you deserve better. If he’s not willing to work towards your future together, I see your relationship either being dominated/pushed by you (meaning only you working towards a future with him, with him just letting it happen or fighting you the whole way) or you getting fed up after an additional amount of time and regretting staying with him for as long as you had.
Post # 9
Holy cow, he’s 32 and has never moved out of his parents house?!
Run away, sweetie. This guy has some SERIOUS Failure To Launch syndrome.
Post # 10
OP: i can honestly relate i was with my ex for 7 yrs yes 7 yrs he lived with his mom there was nothing wrong with his mother or anything hes just a mommas boy and hes 34yrs old …after we broke up 4 yrs later i moved on happily with someone who wanted the same things I did …and hes still the same living with his mom..If hes not ready to open up to communication with you and move forward…i dont think hes ready to take the next step..
Post # 11
It kind of sounds like he doesn’t want to make any decisions… ever… At this age, even the worst communicators should be able to sit down and talk about their future. You shouldn’t have to do all the work, that’s just not fair to you. Are you willing to leave him if he does not want to move forward with you? Could you have one last conversation with him and let him know if he does not want to move forward you will move forward without him? You sound like you’ve got a lot going for you and could do anything you wanted to. Being in a relationship is about being in a partnership and you have to trust each other completely. If he won’t open up to you about serious matters or private matters that is concerning. And to second FutureMrsJohnson he doesn’t sound like he’s interested in a future with you, or any future really.
Post # 12
Hi i am not worried about him living at home at all just the lack of the ability to make any sort of big decisions
Post # 13
@issywissy: Sweetie, the living at home thing is directly tied to his lack of ability to make those kind of decisions. It’s not one or the other; they’re the same issue.
Moving out is a huge decision and a big responsibility. Usually one of the first that you make as a young adult. He’s 32 and hasn’t taken the leap yet. It’s probably not going to happen any time soon.
Post # 15
+1 with the fact that it’s odd he didn’t want to move out.
I’ve been living on my own since I was 22. If I lost my job, I would be OK with food/rent/expenses for another 6 months to get my feet back under me.
Unless he has a sick parent he’s taking care of, he should be dying to leave. Instead, with his mother taking care of him, he probably lacks those basic living skills you learn in your 20s.
Post # 16
The fact he is living with his parents seems like a red flag to me but I don’t see it as a reason to cut him off.
The part that concerns me more is the fact that you are satisified after 5 years of dating you are going to go on holiday together? My Fiance and I were dating for 6 months when we booked our first vacation. After 5 years a vacation shouldn’t be a huge deal, it should be something you do commonly.