(Closed) No control over timeline!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m actually surprised that I’m saying this but.. have you considered proposing to him? It sounds like you are really established and have your shizzle together and he is just dragging his feet.  I don’t like the idea of giving ultimatums, but if you ask he has to give you a definite answer one way or the other.  When you get engaged shouldn’t be 100% up to him.

Post # 6
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you should just have a casual conversation with him about it.  I dont like when women basically force men to marry them lol, but there’s nothing wrong with having a conversation about it.  After that, I wouldn’t push the issue too much.  But I’d want to know why he wants to wait those extra years, and why he’s not ready yet when it seems like everything is in place.  It seems like you both should come to some sort of compromise, not just when HE’S ready, you know?

Post # 7
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

How old are the two of you?  And how long exactly have you been together?  From the information you’ve given us, his need for more time doesn’t make sense.  If you’re mid to late twenties or thirties, have good jobs and own a home and have been together “several years” there doesn’t seem to be any particular reason to wait.  What are you waiting FOR exactly?

He owes you an explanation at the very least.

Post # 9
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think people mostly make sense.  If he wants to wait a couple of years before marrying you… there’s a reason and it’s not just for the hell of it.  Maybe he just doesn’t want that kind of all encompassing commitment in his life right now, whatever.

The key issue IMO is he doesn’t want to marry you now.  You want that kind of commitment badly and not having it makes you unhappy.

IMO you should break up and find someone else.  🙁  I know writting it for me is not in the same universe as doing it for you but… I don’t see any other good solution.

I dunno though, cuz if a guy turned me down when I asked him to be my boyfriend I sure as hell would not have gone out with him the day after that.  Actions have consequences, you say no, fine.  But you can’t say no and ‘not mean it’ just to put the girl in her place of whatever – that’s kind of sick IMO. 

Post # 10
Member
22 posts
Newbee

So, my SO said the EXACT same thing about a year ago. He wanted to get married when he’s 30 (what is up with that age?) and he didn’t specify WHY exactly. (We have been dating for almost 3 years and we’re both 25). 

I just let it go, but after a few more months it started to really bug me. So I NICELY asked him: 1) what he’s waiting for 2) that 30 is not going to work for me, so how can we COMPROMISE 3) what the new timeline is.

Now he says that the reason why he said 30 was to throw me off! (How was I supposed to know!?) He’s been planning our engagement and thinking about marriage all this time! Our timeline is the end of the year to get engaged.

Obviously, I don’t know if he’s throwing you off as well. But if something is not going to work for you, stand up for yourself and let him know how you feel. If you two want to be together, you’ll find a way to make BOTH of you happy.

Hugs!

Post # 11
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Hmmm, I agree with some of the other ladies here.  IF you can wait until you’re not mad or resentful, and talk about it without having an expectation that he’ll give you the answer you want to hear, I think talking about it is a good idea. But you have to be truly interested in his response.  The first few times Boyfriend or Best Friend (first) or myself (later)brought up marriage I was so nervous! I thought I was listening to him then I couldn’t even remember what he’d said.Tongue out So we’ve talked since then.

And don’t be afraid to ask him what he is waiting for. What is it about not being “ready”, what does that mean to him? It could be anything: that he has other things to do in his life first, or just the general overwhelm some men feel when approaching this topic, or he’s not sure about you (in which case let him know that if he thinks there’s someone better out there he’s more than welcome to look! knowing full well you’re probably the best thing to happen to him….)  Does it seem like he is figuring it out, or willing to figure it out?

You can say something like “if you were just kidding about 30, now I’m curious: what is your real timeline?”

Could be that he has a reasonable timeline, could be that you should break up and start over if marriage and kids is important to you. Either way, muster up the courage to leave *if* you have to, so you can honor your desires. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

And make sure you admit you love him, and say what you feel and what you want. And that when you ask him questions, your intentions are good: you’re looking for information, not making demands. He’ll give you the information you need. There’s a difference between saying

“I want this and need it to be happy, if you’re not ready I understand and I wouldn’t want you to do something you’re not ready for.”(aka maybe we’re not a match)

and

“where’s my ring? Marry me now or I’m leaving!” (which is the ultimatum at it’s worst)

 

Post # 13
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My Boyfriend or Best Friend pulled this same crap on me the other day. Similar situation: mid 20’s, going on 3 years, happy as clams, financially stable, both have stable jobs we like,….things are pretty much in place. When I brought up the timeline, my boyfriend said 3-5 years because “he wants to get married 28-30” he thinks that’s a “good age”. Um..yeah..that’s great. Me being 32 when we get hitched…not such a great idea, considering we both want multiple kids and not super close together.

Like you, I don’t want to have to feel like I have to “convince” him to marry me. I flat out told him “I hope you can find someone that you don’t have to think twice about…someone you love and are so sure about” he was just like, you are being ridiculous, you’re the one, i just want to be together for awhile more first.

Guys make no sense. I see this situation over and over again in my friend’s lives and on this board. Why do some guys propose within 6 months or a year and others drag their feet? It does make you wonder if they love you less. I love my guy to death and don’t want to be with anyone else, but I think it’s also important we be on the same page about when and how the future will play out.

My friend pointed out…if you leave him, by the time yit takes you to get over him, move on, find someone new, date someone new, get serious, and get engaged…that could take 3-5 years anyway…so…if he’s the right guy, I guess you just wait.

But I agree, it SUCKS, and it feels like we have no control in the timeline thing.

Post # 14
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@maggierose: or you could break up, take a few months to get over it, meet someone, and be engaged in 6 months-1 year! I’ve seen that happen as well.  I LOVE the book “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle. She talks about how 6 months is long enough to know, but sometimes it’s OK to wait. As long as you can wait as long as you  need to without feeling resentful. 

As long as it doesn’t cost more than it’s worth to wait, I think it’s OK.  I don’t understand the “good age” thing, do you?  I think if you’re in love and you both want the same things, why wait? Once he gets to that “good age” he’s talking about, he still may have to face his fears about marriage/commitment. They don’t magically go away around your 28th-30th birhtday. At least I don’t think so but I’m not a guy and sometimes I have NO IDEA how they think!

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