Post # 1
a bit of background info- me and my OH have been friends for 15 years and dating for nearly three, living together 1.5 years. When we got together I thought “this is the one”. (And thought he felt the same) Fast forward a few years and our friends and younger siblings etc are getting engaged. We are in our 30s.
We have not yet had a conversation about whether we are getting married and I’m concerned as he freaked out when his friend got engaged and he thought “they weren’t at that stage”. They have been dating for the same amount of time as us. I had originally thought that he wanted to surprise me but…should we not have a conversation about our expectations? I’m too old to waste years with someone who doesn’t want the same things as me.
All the men I know who have proposed were slightly pushed in that direction and now I feel that my tact of letting him decide is making him think I’m not keen. But I also hate the idea of forcing him into something he isn’t ready for.
Post # 2
Uh yeah, you should have a conversation. Bring it up tonight and see when he sees you two getting married or if he thinks it’s heading that way. Talking about the future isn’t forcing anything.
Post # 3
Having an adult conversation isn’t forcing anything. DH and I happily spoke about engagement and marriage regularly before getting engaged. And he was in no way pushed to propose, he happily did it of his own free will, on his own timeline (which to be honest was even faster than my own personal engagement timeline). Not speaking about the subject at all seems bizarre to me and doesn’t bode well for the communication in the relationship. Have you seriously never in three years spoken about marrying eachother?
Post # 4
You’ve been living together for a year and a half an haven’t had a single conversation about your future???
Yes. You need to have that conversation.
Post # 5
You should absolutely have a conversation about your future. It doesn’t have to be in the form of pressure or an ultimatum. You can bring it up in the form of goals. Where do you see yourself this time next year..etc. You’re in your 30s. Dating for 3 years might not be very long for people in their lower 20s, but by 30 you both hopefully have a clear idea of what you want in a partner. If his response doesn’t align with your goals for the next year or so, then maybe reconsider the relationship if marriage is a deal breaker.
Post # 6
Yeah, definitely talk to him. My now husband and I talked a lot early on in our relationship about how we’d eventually get married, what kind of wedding we would want, would we want kids, where we want to buy a house, etc etc. Talking about your future together isn’t something you should be afraid to do.
This doesn’t mean you need to set some sort of timeline right now, but you need to know if he sees himself marrying you, since that’s where you see it headed.
Don’t hold off on talking to him because you’re afraid he won’t tell you what you want to hear.
Post # 7
Thanks so much ladies, that’s really helpful to hear.
He has alluded vaguely to getting married in the future and how much his parents would love it if we got married but oh so very vaguely. It’s confusing because he is into weddings, asks lots of questions from his friends about their wedding planning and if we go somewhere nice, says things like, a wedding would be great here. He also has a wedding fund that his parents gave him so…early indications were that he was interested in marrying me.
my problem is that I genuinely want to marry him so much now that I get weepy at anybody’s proposal stories. I’m afraid that I cannot have a straightforward conversation with him that doesn’t smack of emotional blackmail. I cry very easily.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t worry so much about crying, it’s perfectly OK to express your feelings to your boyfriend, even if that means some tears are shed. It’s perfectly OK to tell him you want to marry him and hope he feels the same way and get a bit emotional about it. Just do your best to not make him feel pressured, or give him any type of ultimatum since this will be your first real conversation about marriage.
Post # 9
try writing it down (not texting). Otherwise just tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. No reason to cry unless you want different things. Then I wouldn’t worry about his feeling blackmailed.
Post # 10
You have to talk and it doesn’t make it not romantic to talk about wanting to get married. In my case we had to get on with it due to some external factors but even so, it was still romantic even though I knew my proposal was coming.
Something like “I want us to get married. How do you feel about that?”
Post # 11
You definitely need to find out if you are working towards a marriage or wasting your time. I find a lot of live in boyfriends drag their feel because the girl already plays wifey. Sit him down and have that talk
Post # 12
“The chat” happened last night in a cocktail bar after celebrating another friend’s engagement so alcohol was consumed. I asked if he saw himself marrying me and he said of course I want to marry you, when do you want to be married? And I said by the time I’m 35 (that’s only 1.5 years away) which isn’t going to happen IMO, it’s too late as we’ve never even talked about it and we’re not engaged. So he said, look calm down, 2019 is going to be a big year for us and I like to keep things under wraps.
So it sounds like he may have been planning it anyway but hopefully I’ve given him a little push as to my timeline.
Post # 13
I guess hubby and I were a bit different than others as we didn’t have an official conversation about getting married or engaged. It just organically would crop up when discussing the future (more so kids than marriage actually). There was no talk of timeline for marriage. Do you two ever discuss plans you have for yourselves for the future? What does he say? What do you say?
ETA: Saw your update. Hopefully you’ll be engaged soon 🙂