Post # 31
cpick : I stand by what I said. She allows him to bully her. Is it right? Of course not. But she does need to take some responsibility as well because she’s allowing it. Calling everyone back (Id send a mass email if he wouldn’t do it) would be a pain in the ass and embarrassing to boot, but the alternative is being bullied into an engagement because a “friend suggested it.” Which one would you pick?
Post # 32
If the ring is really important to you (as it is to most women!), I think you should really sit him down and talk to him about it. Picking one of the rings you already have and wearing it as your engagement ring isn’t as special..and I totally understand why you feel down about this. I feel like you’ve been robbed of that fun and exciting moment when any girl gets proposed to and sees a beautiful ring he’s picked out for you. Every girl dreams of this moment!
BTW- Does your fiance not want a wedding band from you? Does he not care about wedding/erings in general?
Post # 33
Bee, this is a mess! As PPs have said, not only was his reasoning for his ‘proposal’ the fact that his friends said he should get married, and he refused to get you a ring ‘because you have too many’, but he also rang all your friends and family WHILE YOU WERE IN THE SHOWER!
I’d be FURIOUS if my OH announced our engagement to our loved ones without me being present, even over the phone, without my prior knowledge! His behaviour is so disrespectful of you.
Please think carefully about whether you should go ahead with this, because it sounds to me like he has some weird ulterior motive.
Post # 34
Hmmm – I wanted a ring because to me it was a follow-through of him putting his actions where his mouth said his heart was.
For years we had the “I’m not ready” discussion. Look at my waiting posts if you want more info. But about early 2014, he told me frankly, “I want you for my wife.” But I still did not count us as “engaged” as he’d not actually asked (though I admit I gave myself permission to start getting an idea about dresses and venues). May 2014, he surprised me with a proposal and a ring, and there was no doubt at that time that it was what he wanted, he was ready, and we were getting married as soon as we could afford it.
We are not wealthy, and H was having a hard time ring shopping and keeping it a surprise, but he made it happen for many reasons. #1 it fit his expectations. #2 he knew I’d want one #3 as a man he saw it as something he needed to do to show we were engaged.
The ring is not necessary to be engaged, and as some ladies have said, they are not ones who even wanted a ring, and I am totally about giving the man an engagement gift as well (one couple each had an e-ring – the guy really wanted one, too, so they cross proposed) and got H an engraved antique watch. BUT, a lack of a ring without it being an agreed upon decision, unilateral because your F says it’s not needed is not what I just described.
The ring is a symbol – it shows he is committed to you and marrying you, and your wearing it shows the same back.
His dismissal and his approach to the “proposal” and wedding planning needs a solid sit-down. And if he’s not embarrassed by his family telling him he’s not following through, that’s a big red flag, in addition to his dismissal of the OPs feelings. If he can’t afford a ring, that’s one thing – been there. But he did not say that. And if he can’t afford the ring, maybe it’s not a good time to plan a fancy, expensive wedding.
Post # 35
adultingisnotwhatiexpected : I’m sorry, bee! That totally sucks! Even more so that he said hey my friends think we should get married and he left it at that! Ugh! Lack of effort would bug me so much id say no, do it right or we aren’t engaged at all. He didn’t even ask you!
Post # 36
Do not marry this man. Obviously he doesn’t care about your feelings. That’s a huge red flag.
Post # 37
Wow. Before getting engaged, I have had literal nightmares about this scenario. There are always some who say it’s selfish and materialistic to “need” a ring, but honestly, for being in a relationship that long it really is necessary to signifiy that next step. If I were you, I’d mainly be hurt that after 10 years together he doesn’t feel that he WANTS to get you a ring. I’d tell him that you do plan on spending the rest of your lives together (as I’m sure you’vediscussed in the last ten years) but you’re not going to start planning a formal wedding until a formal engagement comes.
Post # 38
I understand that one doesn’t need a ring BUT personally, I want a gottdamn engagement ring…call me shallow, entitled, whatever…this is what I want. My boyfriend knows this. It is in his means to give me a ring. I give him what he wants (as long as it is in my means to do). For me, it represents engagement to the outside world. Everything doesn’t have to make perfect sense. There will NEVER be perfect equality. Shyt, men on average get paid more. Women on average do most of the housework and the raising of kids. Equality my ass.
So if a ring is important to you, you should have a ring (as long as it’s reasonable and within his means to do so).
Post # 39
tiffanybruiser : This, so much! For example, I told my husband that I didn’t want him to ask me to marry him until it was his own idea and something he wanted to do out of his own volition. I didn’t want him to ask, just because it was something I wanted.
Post # 40
Have you gota joint credit card? Might be time to take it to a jewllery shop.
Post # 41
adultingisnotwhatiexpected : I’d be more upset about the fact that his friends made an important life decision for him. Who knows what they might decide next for him.
Post # 42
Oh heck no!! He didn’t even propose to you. This whole thing sounds like bad news. Put the brakes on everything until he treats you the way you deserve.
Post # 43
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
No marriage until he puts a ring on it!!
Post # 44
adultingisnotwhatiexpected : hell no. how old are you guys?!?! all of this is just WRONG. i mean, he didn’t need a whole flash mob, broadcasted on the 5o’clock news proposal, but hey, my friends think we should get married, so now we’re engaged? yeah, no. HELL no.
secondly, if you want a ring and that aspect of your engagement is important to you, he should take that into consideration. there are many, many options that don’t cost as much as a car. the fact that he didnt’ even want to discuss it is what’s massively wrong here. the sentiment and symbolic nature of an engagement ring is important!
just ALL OF THIS. hopefully his mother will talk some sense into him. i’m sorry that this all played out the way it did for you and hopefully, he makes it right.
Post # 45
Tell him his friends said you should have a ring,you’ll sure as shit get one then……..