(Closed) no exs rule…found out a BM previously dated FI

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What would you do?

    Keep her and just be the one who has class

    Give her the boot

    make FH give her the boot

  • Post # 107
    Member
    444 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’ll tell you my story.  My former Fiance had a bff who was madly in love with him…and throughout our relationship did the most dispicable things to rile the cage…even after we got engaged.  From the very beginning I asked if they dated (they didn’t..she was 10 years older than him).  Even then, she pulled out all the stops to cause trouble between us in the name of being his bff.  He put her in her place a couple of times, and she resented him for that.  She gave him guilt trips about throwing away a 6 year frendship and of course being a guy and a nonconfrontational person that he is, he kept his distant but remained friends.  Lo and behold, she started sending him explicit emails, describing what turns her on and how she likes it and where..and exFi thought it was okay to just ignore those emails!  WTF..One did come my way and you can believe it got me up in arms.  I was pissed at my exFi for not putting a stop to it and I wrote a short and sweet message responding to the email how it is NOT approciate to be writing email such as those.  I’m so glad I don’t have any connection with her now that exFI is out of the picture.

    Your Fiance not putting a stop to what his friend is doing will only give her the okay to continue to act the same way.  He should know that she is out of line…your guy probably doesn’t think you have a problem with it (it’s obvious that you do)..so clearly drawing the line of what is or isn’t appropriate.  The next time his friend decide to tell all, say something back.  I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with any of that with hubby now… 

    Post # 108
    Member
    4801 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    And also, I call bullshit on them only having had sex twice, and dating ‘briefly’. You don’t learn that much about what turns someone on and how they like it and have that many stories about ‘exploits’ if you’ve only had sex twice. I think your Fiance is lying to you about that.

    Post # 109
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    View original reply
    @Wonderstruck: Yes! I meant to say that too. So true.

    Post # 111
    Member
    3364 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I have a lot of guy friends and I dont grab any of their nuts…

    Post # 112
    Member
    10713 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    She needs to go. I would freak out if one of my FIs ex’s said 1 word to me about their previous sex life. ICK! Were (or I’m inviting ex’s) because they are close friends of mine now… but dear god they wouldn’t be talking about our sex life.

    Post # 113
    Member
    792 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Oneeleven – Yea I guess that works too, haha.

    Also agree on the bs that they only slept together twice.

    Post # 114
    Member
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I would cut her out of the wedding. What a bit** to even bring those things up to you about there past especially details about there sex life. She obviously has no respect for you.

    Post # 115
    Member
    241 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Okay I have tried not to chime in because this is just a big clusterf^&ck of a situation. So let me express myself in bullet points.

    • Why was Fiance not up front with you about the nature of their relationship? Especially considering the rule about no exes, etc? – Seems a little deceptive to me!

     

    • Why would he say “it would mean a lot to him” if you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and still not tell you? I understand you said that he didn’t “have time” because of of how it happened. However, the moment you said you would ask her, he had ample time to say”Baby, honey (or however he refers to you), let’s talk about it a little more before we make a decision on that!” Fiance shouldn’t be let off the hook!!!

     

    • Why is this tramp discussing her sprwevious exual experiences with him in a convo with you ??(BTW-  2 times dont = exploits that’s BS they had sex waaaaayyyy more than that I can guarantee you)

     

    • “She rubbed her hands through his hair and grabbed his junk, in front of me”Why the fuck is this chic still walking around?!!!?!! She would have had a foot up her ass and a fist in her eye.

    I get that you don’t want to “hurt” her but at the end of the day everyone involved has hurt you through deception and disrespect, so why continue to lend yourself to being a victim of their BS- You deserve better than that. If the part about your Fiance not mentioning it to you wasn’t a thorn in your side, then I don’t believe you would have mentioned it.

    I hate to say this but I feel like BOTTOM LINE the reason you don’t wanna kick her out is because you might be afraid of what Fiance will say and that he will be disappointed. Eff that BS she needs to go far away from your wedding and far away from your man!!!

    Don’t be afraid to broach this issue and do what you need to do (which is kick her skank ass out of the wedding). You have to be a better advocate for yourself in this situation and lay down some boundaries or both of them will have not incentive to treat you differently now or in the future. Essentially, she’s trumping you in your own relationship because 1. she still gets to be friends with her ex who she obviously still has the hots for 2. she gets to be in your wedding, while disrespecting you and making you look like a wimpy idiot (don’t mean to be harsh, but she’s a bitch and I gotta be honest).

     

     

    Post # 116
    Member
    93 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    wow, this is definitely a mess.

    I agree with the ladies who are saying the one you should be upset with is your Fiance. His behavior, or maybe lack thereof, is really gross and lame and disrespectful to you. This girl is not just his friend, please tell me you aren’t that blind. They crossed the friend border when they slept together, and even if that was a while ago, from what you’ve told us, their “friendship” is really innapropriate in my opinion.

    The fact that your Fiance wasn’t pissed at her when she grabbed his junk and ran her fingers through his hair is a sign right there.

    Yes, this girl sounds really immature and maybe a little hoe-ish, but thats not really the prob. Fiance shouldn’t be friends with someone who acts like that. And I also agree with everyone who said they didnt just sleep together 2 times. You dont learn all of the things that turn people on and all sorts of stuff from sleeping together twice. sounds like they’ve had some dirty, intimate convos. yikes….

    Post # 117
    Member
    64 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    i agree with pp that this is a mess. 

    what i can gather is that OP and Fiance both have a sordid past to the point where they both want to discuss it. Now, OP is ignoring that Fiance did not tell her that he had been all up and around one of his friends tnat she met and Fiance is having his cake and eating it too– hes marrying OP and he gets to be “friends” with the “one that got away”, aka, this whore-y girl.

    maybe this “other woman” is just being honest in front of OP instead of being like Fiance and hiding everything. I agree. this girls Fiance seems really passive and is playing the victim.

     

    i also agree with other people in that if i am going to meld my life with someone and spend the rest of my days with them, as well as share my money and rear our children together, i’m sure as hell going to make sure that we know eachother’s past. its different if you are just dating. but you’re getting MARRIED.

     

    marriages don’t just magically stay together, and whores just don’t disappear once the vows are said and the rings are exchanged. if you want a marriage that lasts, you have some issues to face. 

    Post # 118
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Im with Bun and other reasonable posters- Fiance is in the doghouse as far as Im concerned- he ALLOWED all this to happen (your not his body guard for f*ck sakes, he should act like a grown man and tell this woman to back off). FRIENDS do not act like this, how old are all of you? Because this is the kind of stuff you see teenagers doing- you dont deserve to have a Fiance that allows this kind of stuff to pass, and most certainly need to get rid of this woman from your lives. I really think you have alot of reconsidering to do in this whole situation. This isnt highschool, where being drunk and horny (and supposedly a friend) allows a pass on every bad behaviour possible (Im not even sure that was ok in highschool)- this is adult life, everyone here, especially Fiance and you, need to buck up and change things for the better- He needs to stop any association with this girl and be far more honest with you, and you need to really think hard about WHY you are ok with your Fiance enabling this behaviour from her.

    Post # 119
    Member
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I still want to know how she’s still walking after the junk grab.  🙂  That situation called for something!

    Post # 120
    Member
    2135 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Kick her out of the wedding entirely! Clearly someone who acts the way she does should not be present at your wedding. What happens if she gets drunk there?

    Post # 121
    Member
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Move her onto the FI’s side…that’s how I think it should have been in the first place (hang those who insist on same gender sides).  I would have never invited her to be my bridesmaid in the first place.

    The topic ‘no exs rule…found out a BM previously dated FI’ is closed to new replies.

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