Post # 1
Hello Bees. For most of my pregnancy i have felt beautiful or relatively happy with my body and my pregnancy or at peace with it. Well a combination of factors are making that harder this week.
First, i had a small argument with my husband. we had always agreed we would try for two babies. i think the stress or thought of supporting a person or persons for 18-21 years really hit him because the day before our anniversary of all times he basically threw it out there that he was ambivalent about having another kid after this one and that the thought and additional expense of having to work more years behind a desk in order to support two kids was really weighing on him. this really upset me for many reasons. we talked about it over 3 and ahalf years ago and many times since and it was very much agreed we would try for two. i wanted three but was fine with that. I am 35 in June so it was also agreed those two would be fairly close in age, or we would try sooner rather than later to go for our second (god willing) since my AMH results came back not good before this baby and could get even harder the more i age. I really needed him to be commited to this idea and talked to him alot about it because i know that when our son is a baby it’s gonna be hard and we will have a hard time feeling ready to go for number two so soon (I am thinking a year to 17 months or so after his birth tops). well my husband said i would probably “get my way” like i always do but he is afraid two pregnancies will age me and i will never be the same in body or spirit after two. we agreed that since my salary is so low compared to his i would stay at home until the kids are school age because i make about what childcare would cost us anyway. his parents put him through college and he has a degree and i dont. he seemed fine with this but now he makes me feel like i am gonna have it easy or be living the good life. i do feel lucky to be able to stay at home with the kids but i also plan to contribute in every way i can by doing all the cooking, cleaning, paperwork, taxes, and ofcourse breastfeeding and caring for the kids 24/7. i know this might just be stress or normal fears men have in these situations and i am trying to be patient with him but the whole thing has made me feel very alone. I feel like he hates me being pregnant and thinks of me not as me anymore but this pod person version of me. i feel like i am gonna have to work on him about another baby and i am so grateful for my son and if god has it in her plan to just give me one then so be it but i would hate not to try to give a sibling to my darling and i know my time is not long. i hate the idea of me “getting my way” when he said he wanted two kids too and spoke of it so often before. so now i just feel so alone. like he is not happy with things now that i am pregnant and maybe even just going along with this baby (he has been involved but can be passive). we moved to a new city where i have few friends and so does he. he bitches to me about that too which makese me feel bad for him and also a bit like chopped liver and powerless to help. i feel not pretty or cute or like the miracle i am creating is cherished but instead like it’s a big inconvience. i know some of this time is supposed to be stress but some should also be cherished too and lately not so much from him.
he also never made me an anniversary card and i mentioned it and he still hasnt made me one 3 days later even though he said he would. he said the same thing at valentines day and never did it even though i reminded him 3 times. i feel unspecial and unimportant. i feel taken for granted. he is loving but i feel like he has this ADD or treats it like a chore when it comes to giving me attention that isnt about him or his needs. i am very doting to him and i am trying not to but right now i resent him alot and i miss my independence and having power (if that makes sense).
Sorry for the novel ladies. Any comments are much appreciated. i am super tender right now so please go easy on me if you can but i also understand tough love so if you think i need some throw that in there too. Could really use my sunny disposition back. i hope i look back at this post and laugh at myself but right now i crying. 🙁
Post # 3
Aww, I’m sorry honey. I hope the other bees will have some good advice for you. I’m sending you lots and lots of hugs
Post # 4
sending you hugs! i don’t really have any advice, other than guys in general are a bit slow in the brain.. lol. they seem to not realize how much we would appreciate a simple or small gesture (my Fiance included!).
I hope you feel better soon.. and I’ve seen your bump pics, you look AMAZING!
Post # 5
Sorry pumpkin… have you sat down and talked to him about how your are feeling?
Post # 6
wow i’ve seen your bump photos and you are incredibly beautiful!
Post # 7
i’m sorry you’re feeling that way. guys are really bad about gifts most of the time and i’m sure that the stress of the little one on the way the weight of taking care of him/her and you is probably huge. i don’t have a ton of advice, but maybe giving him some space and writing him a letter about how you’re feeling would help. you don’t have to necessarily give it to him right away, but it may give you a chance to collect your thoughts and be able to approach him later. your husband loves you and i’m sure wouldn’t want to hurt you! hugs.
Post # 8
You are pregnant with your first right now?
Well, there are a lot of things that your husband is saying that aren’t right for him to say–saying that you’ll have 2 kids because you’ll “get your way” is passive-aggressive and mean; the comment about your body and aging is inappropriate (and mean); making you feel like you would have a “free ride” as a Stay-At-Home Mom is selfish–BUT if you are pregnant with your first, it’s not unheard of for men to express a lot of anxiety regarding the kid and the financial responsibilities therein, and it may be that he’s having a bad reaction to anxiety and change. It’s a big life choice and a big adjustment.
I’d still clue him in to the fact that you are (justifiably) hurt, but he’s likely to come around once you have the baby.
Post # 9
You are SO important and SO beautiful inside and out, so as hard as it may be at the moment, don’t think that way. I bet your hubby is just going through a “stage” right now, and hopefully he comes around. Men get really overwhelmed/stressed/nervous when things like a baby come along, so maybe you could just work with him on that. Being a stay at home mom is going to be a lot of work, and that is no less important than a paying job. I’m really sorry you are feeling this way, I don’t have much advice but HUGS! put a smile on that beautiful face of yours and cheer up, your little boy loves his momma 🙂
Post # 10
I don’t really have any good advice, but I just had to comment to say that your avatar is the coolest one EVER. EVER! 🙂
Post # 11
@MissBoPeep: Thank you sweetheart.
@FutureMsVW: Thank you. It makes my day to hear that.
@MrsStrawberry24: he is just very hard to talk to right now. he says that all i want to do is fight or that he wishes he were still at work where he wouldnt have to deal with me nagging him. i dont think he is open to how i am feeling right now.
@fiver: you are so sweet. that makes me feel really good to hear. i kind of feel like jabba the cute but unsexy hut these days.
@BirdofaFeather: i LOVE the letter idea. Even if it’s just for me to put it down somewhere. That i will definitely do. thank you great advice.
@BothCoasts: Thanks doll. I do see that he is anxious and i know that it’s all new and we all act like nutcases when we are stressed. i remember how bridezilla i got when i was planning our wedding.
@Bao: Sweet Bao, my little Sapphire gal. Thank you for that. I am trying very hard to remember that i have true love growing inside me and needing me to stay happy and calm. It does help to remember that my sweet baby is right here with me so i am never really alone.
@eeniebeans: Hehehe Thanks doll! Missing my damn fine coffee and cherry pie. xo
Post # 12
Best of luck and big hugs! Tell him how you feel and hopefully he will man up and treat you as you deserve to be treated 🙂
Post # 13
@Audreysdance: Aww, my dear. *HUGS* You are so beautiful and I hope that he truly sees that – how awesome your body is for developing another human being and bringing another life into this world! Any changes to your body is part of your war story and should be worn with pride! Being a Stay-At-Home Mom is SO much work and many don’t get “credit” for what they do. It’s goign to take him a while to realize all that you do and that you’re not just sitting on your butt sipping martinis while he’s at the office.
It does sound like your hubby is very anxious but not dealing well with it. Do you/does he have any friends IRL that have a baby already? It may help for him to talk to a guy who has been through it and knows that it is possible to make it through the changes intact.
From the sounds of your other responses, he’s not open to talking about it to you right now which is okay – but only for now. He has to cop to his feelings eventually. I think the letter idea is a good one – it may even be good to write out your frustrations with the situation in another letter that he’ll never see so you can get it off your chest and be able to discuss this with him without that aspect of it when he comes around to talking.
I would plant the seed in his head that you need to talk eventually – soon – about this. Perhaps he feels that he’s the only one who is anxious as well? When Darling Husband was notably different in his approach with me earlier on in my pregnancy, I sat him down and talked to him about how I felt like a was a raving lunatic due to hormones and whatnot, but that deep down I knew it was from being scared and that it was being magnified by the hormones. I told him what I was scared of and asked if he felt the same way – and it opened up a line of communication.
This is just a suggestion from me so take it with a grain of salt :). I find that my Darling Husband responds better to my stating how I feel in regards to a situation. Feelings may or may not be rational, but the emotions I get from feeling them are real. That way, I’m not ‘blaming’ him persay (not that you’re doing this with your Darling Husband but they are men after all and don’t always get it!) and he can’t devalue what I’m saying because it’s based on a feeling, not on being totally irrational.
More *HUGS* to you and repeat after me: My mind, body, and soul are FIERCE for growing a new human and life while being sexy at the same time! 🙂
Post # 14
@bigcitybee: Thank you honey!
@shimmerofheaven: Thanks my double sapphire love. Hubs doesnt have any freinds he is still close with who have kids but he has some old friends. it’s hard, i just feel like he doesnt want to think about any of it until he has to. he is coming to the classes with me and involved but definitely doesnt seem to revel in much of it with me. sometimes he will surprise me but other times i feel like he would give a major limb to avoid talking about the baby.
Post # 15
@Audreysdance: What about a baby-free date night? The two of you go out and say NOTHING about the baby, what life will be like, pregnancy gripes, etc. Just you two enjoying each other. No getting mad if the other one mentions baby – just a gentle reminder that it’s a baby-free zone. Maybe hubs is feeling like he’s “losing” you to the identity of being a mom when he’s used to having you “the wife” and “the woman”. *shrugs* just another thought my dear!
Post # 16
I am so sorry for what you’re going through. That sounds really tough – especially when you’re pregnant. Big, big hugs.
I really think that, as women, we start picturing ourselves as mothers much sooner than men start picturing themselves/their lives as fathers. By this I mean that, as much as I imagine this would be difficult, your Darling Husband probably just needs time to learn what it’s like to have a child and to be a father. I don’t think men can imagine themselves in that position as well as women can, and I can imagine that it would most certainly affect their ability to picture themselves with one child, let alone two.
I don’t know about your husband, but when my husband gets stressed about things (whether it’s work, money, or, in your case, a forthcoming baby) he can’t seem to compartmentalize that stress and it invades all parts of his – and, by extension, my – life.
I guess I don’t really have any great advice other than the fact that your DH’s perspective will likely change considerably after your baby is born and maybe he just needs a little time to understand what his new life will be like.
I absolutely feel for you and wish you all the very best resolving this 🙂