Post # 1
So my sostuation is, I have no friends. I have not hung out with anyone outside of of my Fiancés big friends circle in 3 years. I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, and a socially selective introvert.
When my Fi and I started planning our wedding, we agreed on two friends each as part of our parties. My two I picked, my sister and a childhood friend have fallen through. My sister lives abroad and can’t make it, and the other woman has been ignoring my messages; she recently visited the city I live in and didn’t even let me know. I don’t think she’s the right fit. So I’ve chosen to not have a bridal party. Hens night is off the cards. I’ve asked my Fi if we could have a joint celebration, so I could at least be included in the premarital celebrations 😂 he prefers the idea of separate celebrations, so has put forward he would like 2 separate “dos”.
Not only that, but my Fi has a guest list of around 100, where mine is sitting comfortably at 2!! My mum and dad.
I’m just not enjoying this. This whole process has made me realise how small my world is and how lonely I am. One could argue that Fis friends/family are mine too, but it’s just not the same.
I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on stress, loneliness and “fear of missing out”… what’s the point?
I want to elope to Finland and fall asleep watching the Northern Lights in those glass igloos. I’m happy to have a party too for Fi so he can that “big celebration” feeling with his lifelong friends. But he was really angry at me fot suggesting this; he thinks I’m trying to “pull him down and isolate him from friends and family.
I don’t want to make friends with the purpose of enlarging my guest list, it’s inauthentic. Likewise with a bridal party.
Post # 2
Perhaps it’s an opportunity to reflect on your approach to your social life going forward and start including more people in your life, make an effort to make new friends.
As for the wedding, I don’t see why your fiancé has to exclude his close ones from witnessing an important moment in his life just because you don’t have as many family and friends.
Post # 3
I sense that he will resent you if you push this issue and try to cancel the wedding. Though I do love your elopment idea (kind of wish I had thought of that!).
Tell him how uncomfortable and lonely this is making you. Ask him to compromise on some things. If he gets the big wedding, you get the combined bachelor/ette weekend. (We did the combined thing and it was so much fun.) Maybe nix the bridal party altogether so you aren’t up there alone while he’s got two people standing next to him.
Post # 4
missyjz : I agree, thats why I thought a party (reception) would be a good compromise. I’ve tried the cutting down the guest list approach, but he refuses. He thinks eloping is a cop-out though, which I think that just depends on what someone values. Elopement can be just as amazing as a wedding, not to mention cheaper, less stress/drama.
At the end of the day, a compromise is the answer. I can’t see myself making “besties” in the next several months. I’ve been joined to a maternal mental health group for over a year and have made acquaintances, but haven’t entirely clicked with people. I’m not the kind of person to make friends with people for the sake of it. I value authentic friendships and feel I would be pretending if I picked up girlfriends just for the sake of having a group.
As I stated, I’m an introvert, and my situation as an introvert is widely experienced. It’s about what kind of compromises can me made in the meantime while I can find those authentic friendships to add to my life.
Post # 5
I have to agree with missyjz. I think it’s rather sad that you have no one in your life aside from your parents and fiance, and that your fiance shouldnt have to sacrifice his want to include his loved ones in celebrating your marriage just because you don’t have anyone to invite. That said, I think there are compromises that be be made within the context of the wedding. For example, no bridal party/groomsmen. Then you can have your solitary honeymoon in Finland under the Northern lights, just the two of you. In the meantime, consider joining some groups that are dedicated to your interests and hobbies. It’s much easier to cultivate authentic friendships when you have some common shared interests that run deeper than “Oh, I’m a mom too!” (I’m assuming that’s the case for you maternal mental health group.) It’s one thing to be an introvert, but another thing to be totally and completely socially isolated.
Post # 6
I think you may have to embrace his friends are your friends too and let your fiance’s loved ones witness the wedding.
Post # 7
Also, if you’re happy the way things are and your fiancé is happy you don’t have to go out and make friends just embrace your fiance’s Friends and family attending your wedding and move along with life however makes you happy.
Post # 8
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! Why not do both? A basic short ceremony and party with your parents and all his guests, then a special exchange of personal vows between the two of you during your honeymoon? Also he should plan the big wedding, within a budget agreed by both of you, since he wants it and you don’t. How would you feel about that?
Post # 9
Does he have female relatives who could be your bridal party? There’s no issue being an introvert until you try to make someone else feel guilty for having friends or wanting a party. He ought to be able to have a wedding where he can invite family and friends.
Post # 10
echomomm : I’m certainly not, that’s why I suggested holding a reception where he could invite all his friends and family. He doesn’t want to cut the list down.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2018 - small boat wedding
I’m very introverted myself and don’t make friends easily, but I’m not a stay-at-home mum, so my small number of colleagues have become very good friends and also wedding guests. Otherwise, I’m quite similar to you. My fiance has far many more friends than I do! He’s had to cut down on his groomsmen line because I only have the one Mate/Man of Honour and no bridal party. I’d wanted to elope also, but he wanted a wedding, which I’m happy to do for him.
I agree that it’s pointless now to try to force friendships just so you can fill up your bridal party. If I were you I would still do what I personally did: make the compromise of having the wedding for him, and see if he could make adjustments like what my fiance did. Has any of your fiance’s friends not become your friends also? Would some of them be almost close enough to become bridesmaids in name if your fiance must have so many groomsmen?
A wedding tends to be not just the couple’s business… maybe you could have your idea as the honeymoon. That will be truly for just the two of you.