(Closed) No gift from MIL– sent thank-you’s to all her friends but not her

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: Has anyone receive NO wedding gifts from their in-laws?
    We received nothing. No card, no money no china, etc. : (7 votes)
    33 %
    We received a gift. : (14 votes)
    67 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I know this might not be what you want to hear, but no one is obligated to bring you a gift to your wedding. If they attended your wedding, you should send each and every person a thank you note thanking them for attending.

    Given that this is your Mother-In-Law, you do have a right to be upset (I would be), but you do still need to send her a thank you note.

    Post # 4
    Member
    468 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    Exactly what 2PeasinaPod said. You are thanking them for attending, for witnessing and celebrating your marriage. Any gft is simply extra, so everyone should receive a thank you note.

    But yes, it does seem odd and very disappointing that your Mother-In-Law hasn’t even given you a congratulatory card. You never know, your thank you note might jog her memory and prompt her to send you both something.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1927 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m pretty hard core about thank you note etiquette in general but I actually very much disagree that you should send every person a thank you note.  The reception you hosted where you provided them with free food and drink is the thank you for attending your wedding.  That’s why we have receptions.  A thank you note following the wedding should be for recognition of a gift.  Guests are absolutely NOT required to give you a gift, but you should not feel obligated to send a thank you note to someone who did not.  Especially his mom.  I think it’s pretty awkward to thank your own mom for attending your wedding…

    Post # 7
    Member
    468 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @Moose1209: I can see your point and I did check Emily Post and found that in the updated wedding etiquette, thank you notes are, in fact only for:

    • Anyone who gives you an engagement, shower or wedding gift, even if you have thanked them in person. Individual notes should be written to people who contributed to a group gift.
    • Anyone who gives a gift of money: cash, checks, contributions to savings accounts and donations to charities. Mentioning the amount is optional, but it does let the person know the correct amount was received. You should mention what you plan to do with the money.
    • Your attendants. A warm personal note attached to your gifts to your attendants will let them know how much you appreciate their efforts and support on your behalf.
    • Anyone who hosted a party or shower for you. Ideally these notes should be written within two days of the event. Each host or hostess should be thanked individually with a note and a thank you gift.
    • People who house or entertain your wedding guests. A note and a small gift should be sent to anyone who houses or entertains out-of-town wedding guests.
    • People who do kindnesses for you. The neighbor who accepts delivery of your gifts when you are at work; the cousin who supervises the parking at the reception – anyone who assists you before, during or after your wedding.
    • Suppliers and vendors. You don’t have to write everyone you hire for services, but anyone who exceeds your expectations will appreciate a courteous note of thanks.
    • Your parents or whoever is hosting your wedding.

    With that said though, I would still send a thank you note as I think that regardless of etiquette, it is a nice gesture and as I said before, perhaps Mother-In-Law truly did intend to send a check or gift and it slipped her mind. The note thanking her for attending, being supportive and for raising the man of your dreams is a nice gesture in and of itself and would likely make MIL’s day. I would definitely do it, but I guess that per the current societal rules, it is not necessary.

    Post # 8
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I agree with Moose1209.  Why would you thank someone for attending a party you threw?  It would be like writing a thank you note to people who came to a dinner party you hosted.  Nice, I suppose, but definitely not necessary.

    But if you want to write a thank you note to his mom, I don’t think that would be a bad thing, just to thank for any kind of support she gave through the process.  And that might be nice so she doesn’t feel embarrassed when other people talk about the nice thank you notes.  But it sounds like you don’t want to send her a card, so I don’t think you should feel the need to.

    Post # 9
    Member
    493 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    @east coast bride:  That’s pretty weird, although if your Mother-In-Law has mentioned it to your husband that she intends to write you a check… maybe she just doesn’t have the money yet or hasn’t quite gotten around to it.  We actually just received another registry gift last night, so you never know.  

    I can sympathize, my dad had told us he would be gifting us with a new TV which hasn’t yet materialized… and I’m not holding my breath.  🙂

    Post # 10
    Member
    739 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I would send her a thank-you note thanking her for being there at the wedding to support both of you.  I know that this may not be required by etiquette.  But please, put all ettiquette technicalities aside for a moment, think about the relationship here.  This is your Mother-In-Law & your husband’s mother!  If her friends are receiving the note with picture, she may feel left out.  Do you really want to create waves in your relationship over something as petty as whether or not she gave you a gift?  This is something you’ll probably forget before too long but, this relationship will last a lifetime.  I encourage you to do the compassionate thing, overlook etiquette technicalities, and reach out to her with a note and kind card.

    Post # 12
    Member
    2090 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @PumpkinSpiceChai: Agree totally. You probably don’t technically need to send her a thank-you (and it’s a tough/weird situation!), but she’s your Mother-In-Law. I would send her a thank-you, so she gets the same one her fiends have received since it sounds like they are likely to chat about it, and include a personal message to her, even if not a “thank you for the wedding gift”.

    Post # 13
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I wouldn’t send her one. It’s been five months now and nothing? Is she normally late with her regular gift giving? No excuse, but sometimes family think they have an indefinite amount of time to ‘catch up’ on gifts.

    My SIL’s Mother gave less than most guests and sent it a month later. His sister and brother gave nothing (not even a card). When he asked me if it was necessary to send Thank You cards to his siblings, I told him to do what he felt comfortable doing. He didn’t send them.

    I seriously doubt this slight is something you’ll ever forget, and I wouldn’t either.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @east coast bride: No kidding?? Who knew! I never once sent a thank you note to the bride and groom for having us at their wedding, but I guess maybe the gift and card we give them sort of covers that?

    We did still thank everyone for attending anyway. I felt that it was polite since a lot of people traveled pretty far for our wedding and stayed over, so that was more than enough of a gift for us.

    Post # 15
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    We only sent Thank You cards to people who gave us a gift.

    Mother-In-Law signed her moms card to us which included $200.  Darling Husband made a remark that the money was from the grandmother only so per your question, no Mother-In-Law didn’t get us anything.  We still sent each a Thank You card.

    Let your Darling Husband decide…it is his mother. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Yeah, I hate to say this but I wouldn’t send her a note. We’ve pretty firmly established that thank you notes are only for gifts, not simple attendance. And seriously, if she didn’t do anything to help with the wedding and you not only hosted her at the reception but picked up the tab for her hotel too? She actually owes you a note.

    If she were very worried about your relationship with her, she would have least gotten you a card with nothing inside. She seems pretty unconcerned, so I don’t get why it’s your job to go above and beyond.

    The topic ‘No gift from MIL– sent thank-you’s to all her friends but not her’ is closed to new replies.

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