(Closed) No gift – Invited and Attended

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
1094 posts
Bumble bee

@FutureMrsSitler: Cite?Where and when (other than from posters on other wedding boards, who may be misinformed) has etiquette said that a guest should cover the cost of her plate?

I am pretty sure that where and when “etiquette” (in the person of Peggy Post) came up with the rule that an invitation constitutes an invoice in the amount of One (1) Wedding Gift regardless of whether you accept or decline the invitation — and I’m very sure she didn’t think that one through, and equally sure that neither George Routledge nor her gramma Emily had anything to do with that ruling.

Traditional etiquette holds that refined people do not discuss other people’s finances nor speculate about how much they paid for things, including not speculating about the cost of catering at social functions.

Post # 33
4980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@FutureMrsSitler: And where is this from? Because from every etiquette I have ever read on wedding NOTHING was ever said the bride and groom should expect a gift to cover the cost of their guests plate.  

Post # 34
845 posts
Busy bee

@imhere4thefood: I completely understand your sentiments. I don’t think it makes you greedy if you’re upset that a friend didn’t bother getting a gift! Everyone likes to say that gifts aren’t required, etc, etc, but the fact is, most people give and expect wedding gifts as a polite gesture. So if the overwhelming majority of your guests got you gifts, you’re bound to wonder about the few that didn’t, especially if there aren’t mitigating circumstances like travel costs, financial problems, etc. 

I agree with PP that there’s not really a great way to bring it up (except maybe through a mutual friend?) It also might be a genuine oversight. I can tell you that for the 2-3 people who did not get us gifts, I did not approach them, but they weren’t close friends either. We were a little upset about it but pretty quickly got over it and moved on with our lives. 

Post # 35
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Giving a gift should not be expected when attending a wedding. It does not matter how much you spend per person. 100 or 1000 dollars. A person comes to your wedding to share in the joy of you and your husband getting married, not to give you a toaster, blender, etc.

I’d be just happy that they thought enough of me to come.

Post # 36
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@FutureMrsSitler: Honestly, nobody but you and the groom (and your parents, if they are helping you pay) should know the price you are being charged per plate.

We got plenty of gifts that were greater than the cost per plate, and many that were under the cost per plate.

People who came from great distances or have two children in college should not be giving expensive gifts. One of our guests who travelled across the country to get to our wedding gave us two blocks of chocolate. How clever was that? I love it!


Post # 37
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

A card, at the least, should have been given, but I would never, ever say anything about it.  

Post # 38
9 posts

The card could have gotten lost in the mail.  (I’ve actually had a card from my sister delivered to me in college two years late…sometimes they get around to it.)  Happened to me on the other end once for a wedding card – I emailed my friend to ask if she had received it, because the check had never been cashed. She was super polite and just said no and added that the mail is fickle.  I was able to write out a new check for her then.

And then, they could be following the one year rule.  My boyfriend, sigh, follows this because he is lazy, to the extent I bought the card and hunted up his friend’s address (OOT wedding) and he STILL has yet to sign it.  I think he has like 10 days to go now.

Or they could have not sent it at all.

In any event, there’s nothing you can say or do.  Send a “thank you for coming card” and leave it at that.  A gift is…a gift, not an obligation.

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