(Closed) No gift received, how to handle?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

They may still send you something–we got a few cards and gifts after the wedding. It’s not proper etiquette to send a thank-you note just for attending–it’s seen as fishing for a gift, or pointing out that they didn’t give anything. I think your situation would be a perfect example of that.

Thank you cards should always be personal, though.

Post # 32
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

tallahasseelassie :  I grew up in Northern California and we do the same thing, so maybe not as regional as you might think! I can’t remember a single birthday where my mom wasn’t sitting next to me asking “Wait, who gave that to you?” so that she could write it down and keep track.

Post # 33
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

heyoh :  Well NC is still very much “southern” to me!! I live in NoFl and we might as well be SoGa! But yes, southern women are on top of those lists!

Post # 34
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

tallahasseelassie :  We do the same thing… In Canada, 
BUT I live in Toronto, which could be considered Southern Canada… so your theory stands haha

Post # 35
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

tallahasseelassie :   janedw :  We do the lists here too in Boston! I don’t think its a regional thing, I think its just what you do if you want to thank people properly. 

Post # 36
Member
3531 posts
Sugar bee

We also thank for a specific gift in New York… the few times I’ve received a generic thank you, particularly the ones that were just a printed thank you with the bride and groom’s face, really did not make me happy.

Post # 37
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Being polite is not just a southern ‘thing’ – in the northeast US, keeping a list of the gifts and givers is customary so that thank you notes can be personal. It is not customary here to send a generic thank you note, though some people do. I suspect that happens everywhere. 

Post # 38
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We’re in Southern California and also have lists of specific gifts. For the wedding, we just put it right into our guest spreadsheet that had all the invites, addresses, responses, etc. It also allowed us to track whether we sent a thank you note or not. And I’d say that every wedding we’ve been to we were thanked for the specific gift… 

However, we didn’t send thank yous to people who attended. And *technically* they have a year to send a gift. 

Post # 39
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

tallahasseelassie :  this isn’t related to OPs post, but I’m from the North and me and all of my friends have written down items from people and given personal, handwritten thank yous for our bridal showers and weddings. Maybe your northern friends just suck. 

Post # 40
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

doxiedog1088 :  hahahah very likely! 🙂 I mean they did write nice thank you cards but they didn’t list the item or anything like that- they were more generic like you mean. 

Post # 41
Member
13528 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Guests have a year to send a gift to a couple following a wedding.  There’s no need to send thank you cards to guests who may have opted to send you a gift later, or opted not give you a gift at all 

Personally, if I ever received a thank you card for a wedding where I didn’t give a gift, I’d feel like the couple was pointing it out and fishing for something.  I would find it rude, but that’s my social circle, I suppose.  The reception is the thank you for attending the ceremony (whether it’s a Destination Wedding or not), and thank you cards are sent for gifts.

Post # 42
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree about sending them a card thanking them for attending the wedding.  I always thought that was proper etiquette anyways… and if they did send you a gift that never made it to you, they should be able to put two and two together and realize you didn’t receive it.  It’s better to go this route than just not sending anything at all; just in case they DID send you a gift and think rude to not acknowledge it.

Post # 43
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree that it’s terribly tacky to send a note for attending the reception when no gift was received. I would take that as a passive-aggressive way to point out that you didn’t get a gift. Afterall, the entire reception was your thank-you to guests. 

Were it a different event such as a dinner party or business party, fine. But for a wedding, sending a “thanks for coming” note when you received no gift is very rude in the circles I run in. 

Post # 44
Member
2149 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

ktsteimel :  you appare to have missed the bit where I explained everything – as I said I have never recieved one, dont know any one who has recieved one, no married person I know has sent one and they are a waste and I wont be doing them

apart from on this website ive never even heard of them (and lets face it to the rest of the world a lot of customs on here are wierd but to me anything that request gifts, demands gift or bases treatment of guest on gifts is rather vulger and that will never change in my mind)

frankly a tree doesnt have to die for such a useless sentiment that will only end up in the bin especially given that we already thanked guest at the wedding and hosted the thing which in itself is a party for thank you for attending the day – feeding them, entertained them etc… I mean honestly, you still expect a special written note acknowledging how amazing you where for doing the basic polite ettiquette of bringing a gift for the host who is spending money on you which is in itself a thank you so what you want is a special thank you for your thank you gift for a party which was a thank you in the first place undecided makes no logical sense at all

 

Post # 45
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

btob17 :  thank you’s aren’t about receiving a card, that yes, will end up in the bin, its about the thought.

Maybe I’m crazy but it just makes me feel good to thank people and let them know they were appreciated, but hey you do you.

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