(Closed) No gift received, how to handle?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

btob17 :  Wait, clarification needed here, you’ve never received a thank you card?  Like for anything?  Or had to send one?  That is a beautiful world and I want to live in it.

Honestly ladies, I know most of us have experienced spending hours writing thank you cards.  Does the happiness of receiving a thank you card really offset the pain of having to write them?  I’m not saying we shouldn’t thank people, but serously, it’s 2016, thank you text message or email would be just as nice to get wouldn’t it?  Just sayin…

Post # 47
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

We had probably 5 cards arrive in the mail with gifts up to almost 2 months after the wedding.  I would wait and see what happens.  Sometimes they forget the card or their checkbook and just plan to put it in the mail when they get home.  

Post # 50
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee

btob17 :   “as I said I have never recieved one, dont know any one who has recieved one, no married person I know has sent one”

Where in the world do you live? It’s very tacky not to send thank you notes. 

Post # 51
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

btob17 :  Where are you from? I cannot imagine never sending or receiving thank you cards. I have sent thank you cards since I was a little kid, my mom had me write them for every birthday and Christmas gift I ever got. I am not sure where you are from and what culture, but I would be VERY disrespected if I attended your wedding (potentially paying for a dress and a hotel) and got you a gift and did not get a thank you card. In fact, I would probably never attend something you invited me to again, certainly not gifting if I did. 

I traveled to a destination wedding in Texas with my husband (then boyfriend) last year, and we spent a total of $2000 to attend. 2 plane tickets, a hotel room for 3 nights, a new dress for me (sure that was optional) and a gift for the bride and groom. Instead of getting a personalized thank you, we got a generic card with their photo and no message. These are close friends of mine so obviously our relationship is still good, but I was still pretty hurt when I got the card. 

OP – go with your gut. It may be beneficial to send them a thank you card just for attending, and that way, your bases are covered. These people did travel to spend the day / weekend with you and your husband, so it should be recognized gift or not in my opinion. 

Post # 52
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been to Pakistani/Indian/Bengali/Arab weddings and never gotten thank you cards. It’s just not a thing… you just thank everyone when you see them later and it’s an automatic assumption that the bride and groom are thankful for the gift. I’ve grown up in America so the idea of thank you notes isn’t new to me but my parents and even friends who have never been to an American wedding had no idea about thank you cards. I never even realized it’s considered rude to not send a thank you specifically for the gift… so I can believe that in some cultures it’s not a common practice 

Post # 53
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

btob17 :  it’s not tacky. It’s thoughtful as it allows you to personalise your thank you’s. Prefer that than a generic “thank you” postcard or something 

ETA: I see you know nothing about thank you cards and are anti sending them. Fair enough, but why comment to say what OP did is tacky with, by your own admission, absolutely no knowledge of the custom. So rude. 

Post # 54
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Erring on the side of courtesy is never out of style.  I love giving and receiving thank you notes.  I’ve had lots of people gush about my sincere and personalized hand written card, and how it touched them.

Show class and not ass.  That’s my motto.

Post # 55
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

We actually sent a thank-you card to everyone who attended. We had photo cards made, enclosed a photo of the guests at the wedding, and included a note to each about how glad we were that they celebrated with us, something special we remembered from the wedding or ceremony with them, etc. 

It may be a regional difference?? Customs vary. Many people state unequivically that “no gift- no thank-you card”. For me personally, I don’t agree with this, as I send a little thank you card to people for all kinds of things- not just gifts, so why wouldn’t I send someone a thank you for coming to our ceremony and reception?

Do what you feel you should. 

Post # 56
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Where I’m from (Australia),  thank you notes are definitely the norm for weddings,  but would be seen as very strange to receive for birthday,  Christmas,  etc,  especially formal notes.

Surprised that so many people here have written formal thank yous  for things like that!

Post # 57
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think if i was a guest at a wedding and didnt give a gift, id still appreciate a thank you note for coming whether i travelled for your wedding or not. i dont see it as tacky as some have stated earlier. 

 

i do know that certain backgrounds, religion etc. dont believe in the whole thank you note thing. 

ive also been to a few VERY expensive extravagent weddings, that i never recieved a thank you note, but i also got fed a four course meal, dessert, open bar, and a very generous wedding favor to take home, which i interpret as a thank you in itself. 

Post # 58
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

they might be sending you a gift in the mail and it hasn’t arrived yet. Don’t mention anything to them. Don’t send a card, it’s improper etiquette to send a card if they didn’t send a gift, it can come off as passive-aggressive. Just don’t mention it. If they mention it, you can say you never received it but don’t start the conversation.

Post # 59
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

a11ieny :  I sent thank you notes out to everyone because I know people paid money to travel (flights, hotels, rental cars) even though it was a local wedding. It’s not a popular idea on the bee, but I’d encourage you to do it. If you paid $500 for a hotel/rental car ect recieving a thank you card would be welcome, yes?

Emily post does state it is never wrong to thank. There have been many stories about stolen wedding presents in the news, I think it may be worth checking discretely. OP brought it up, so I’m thinking OP has a reason to worry about it.

The other thing was… gifts can come for up to a year. So it may still be coming. We have wedding gifts ordered that are still arriving…from August and it is October.

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