Post # 1
We got married about 2 weeks ago and have been going through our wedding gifts and cards and we finally noticed that a LARGE chunk of our guests (namely about half) did not bring a gift or a card, or anything else for that matter. There was also no shower gift.
So, I ended up spending about $100 per person and didn’t receive anything from these folks. Am I being petty? I don’t think I’ve ever dared to show up at a wedding and not give anything at all.
Some folks told us they were going to give us something later on, because they were strapped for cash. Should I hold my breath on that?
So, my question is – what is etiquette on Thank You cards? Should I just thank them for attending? My mom suggested to lavishly thank them for their wonderful gift (as an underhanded comment), but I’m not sure that’s the right way to go.
Anyone else experience this?
One guest even told me at the wedding that he didn’t give me anything because he didn’t want to try to figure out a wedding registry. He said he’ll take us to dinner sometime. Uhm….??
Post # 3
dont do what your mom suggested. it would not be worth the shit it would start. just write a thank you for their attending and leave it at that.
FWIW, i get where youre coming from, but the best thing to do it focus on your wedding, your new Darling Husband and the fact that people took time out of their lives to celebrate with you… and be warned wanting/expecting gifts is not a popular stance on the bee.
Post # 4
My suggestion is send a thank you card to those who have said that they WILL give you something.. or the dinner guy and say thank you for attending and look forward to dinner. if you make it light then maybe that would work?
I am sorry that you are in this situation, I am sorry I do not have good ideas or experience with this 🙁 hopefully some experienced brides can help!
Post # 5
Guests have up to a year after the wedding to send a gift per etiquette, so I wouldn’t send them to the stockyards just yet. A thank you for attending is appropriate, though.
Post # 7
People that I am close to I sent a thank you with just thanks for coming, glad to see you, etc.
People that are more distant I didn’t send one too. I’m sure etiquite is to send one to everyone who came, but etiquite would also say you at least bring a card to the wedding.
Post # 6
I’m sure I would be bothered too. I at least would like a hearth-felt congratulation card. I would just send out a thank you card for attending. No need to worry about the gifts, what’s done is done and just take it for what it is. I feel it is customary to gift the couple, not saying a new stove or anything but at least a card or something small. I understand money is tight but weddings are planned at least a year in advanved, they know. Be prepared to get some snarky remarks tho. I’ve seen these post get too personal and people get so offended. lol.
Post # 8
I only gave thank you cards to people who gave me a gift. I don’t think it’s necessary to thank people just for attending. For example, if you hosted a dinner party at your home, would you send thank you cards to the people who came? I assume you wouldn’t. If anything, those people are supposed to thank you for hosting them (which is why people bring gifts to weddings or hostess gifts to dinner parties). Also, sending thank you cards to people who didn’t give you a gift can make it sound like you are reminding them that you didn’t receive a gift (otherwise you would have mentioned it in the card). Don’t call your guests out on their rude behavior.
Post # 9
Guests are not required to buy you a wedding gift. It’s nice if they do, and I think it’s a little rude to not give at least a CARD, (even if you’re strapped for cash, spend $3 on a card…or the dollar store has them 2/$1), but it’s not required. And no, don’t hold your breath on receiving a gift from those who said they would get you something at a later date. You might get a few more gifts, but it seems that if they were getting you one, they would have sent it to you before the wedding or brought it to the wedding.
To be anything but gracious in your card makes you the rude one. Don’t send a card at all if you prefer, but don’t thank them for a gift they didn’t give you.
Post # 10
I didn’t send thank you cards to people that didn’t bring a card/gift. I was always under the impression that the reception (dinner, drinks, favors, etc) is your thank you to your guests for simply attending the wedding. A thank you card is your gesture for their generosity with cards/gifts.
ETA: Also, don’t do what your mother suggested. That’s just plain rude!
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
We only received gifts/cards from about 30% of our guests. But this is about what we were expecting. Many of them don’t have alot extra these days, and I even told several of my friends to NOT get us a gift because I knew they might feel obligated to when they really don’t have the funds.
For those guests who honored us with their presence, we are sending a thank-you card for that; and all cards are including a print from the wedding.
As per your mom’s suggestion, this is rude and highly inappropriate. I would NEVER put my guests in the awkward situation of “calling them out” for not giving a gift.
Post # 12
Yes, you’re being petty. And, your mom is giving you terrible advice. Thank them graciously for coming. They didn’t make you pay $100/head – it isn’t their responsibility to pay for your wedding! (this from a bride that paid more than $100/head – so i’m not saying you paid too much, just that your guests aren’t responsible for covering it)
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
@misspeanut: +1, I agree with the reception being a “thank you” for attending enough.
I’m only sending thank you cards to people who bring a gift to either the shower or the actual wedding. We’re also planning on going around at the wedding and saying ‘thank you’ to each individual guest. I think it would look rude to send a thank you card when you didn’t get anything… Very teenager-esque. Like, “THANKS for nothing!” is the impression I would get.
I mean, it is super rude to not bring at least a card to the wedding, but still.
Post # 14
We didn’t get gifts from a small handful of guests at our wedding and initially, we were a little shocked. One couple we excused as they had to travel some distance to get to our wedding but the others were a bit surprising. Anyway, now that it’s been a couple months since the wedding, I can honestly say we don’t care anymore and we’ve totally moved beyond it. Two of the people that didn’t get us gifts are colleagues and they mentioned in passing that they know they still owe us one and that they get up to a year to send it (haha!) but I’ve told them it’s absolutely okay to not gift anything. I would also venture to say that I would rather get absolutely nothing than something that we would have to return (we received a few gifts that were not off the registry and were totally not our taste that needed to be returned – total hassle).
We just sent out Thank You cards to the people that gifted gifts and called it a day. During the wedding, we thanked everyone individually and profusely for coming. I think in the grand scheme of things, it’s better to not get bogged down into the details of who gifted what and just think about what a great day it was and how you are moving on with your lives. We are still friends with those that didn’t gift anything and that’s that. FWIW, we spent significantly more than $100/person.
Post # 15
Send thank you cards to all of your guests for attending. As someone else stated, it’s not their obligation to give you a gift particularly during tough times. I would also be very careful if considering sending something snarky.
I had several cards stolen from my wedding. Since I sent thank you cards to everyone for those where I did not mention a gift they asked about it. That is how I found out some cards went missing. Had I not sent Thank you cards to them at all, I would have looked like the asshole for not sending a card. At least the fact that the gifts were stolen came out and no one’s feelings were hurt. Well of course I’m still pissed someone stole gifts but whatever…if they needed it that bad…
Post # 16
Don’t be snarky in your thank you cards, that’s really really rude, and I’d be pissed if I got a card “lavishly thanking” me for a gift when I knew I didn’t give one. You’d look petty, childish, and gift-grabby.
How to handle it? You move on. You don’t stress about the fact that people didn’t give you a gift. No, I never would go to a wedding empty handed, but I’ve learned that a lot of people do from these boards. You should send thank you cards to the guests who did give gifts. You can send cards to all guests thanking them for their attendance – but anything else is petty.