(Closed) No gift to a 2nd wedding, would I be the only one?

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: What gift do you bring for 2nd+ weddings?
    Nothing--best wishes only. : (26 votes)
    12 %
    Cash : (87 votes)
    39 %
    Registry / Tangible Item : (98 votes)
    44 %
    Other : (13 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 72
    Member
    9825 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    @littlelucygoose:  while i understand that you don’t support second weddings if you’re going to be hounded for a gift, in most cases marriages and weddings aren’t gift grabs, we just all think it’s polite to take a gift to a wedding. while you know your friends better than we do, i don’t think they’re getting married and having a wedding to just get a gift out of you! but if you disapprove of second marriages based on other reasons, then don’t go to the wedding. it’s good to see you have listened to the advice though 🙂

    Post # 73
    Member
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @littlelucygoose:  It didn’t come across as only being about gift-giving, however, when you made later comments asking why the couple still needed a big wedding.  Saying that an encore bride should elope makes it sound like it’s not just the gifts, but the celebration as a whole that you disapprove of.  

    Edit: I also think people aren’t using 2nd, 3rd, or more weddings as gift grabs.  Weddings are freakin expensive, and I’m sure the amount you receive in gifts is FAR less than what you pay out to have the wedding.

    Post # 74
    Member
    1271 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    A wedding is the celebration of two people commiting themselves to each other in marriage.  Guests are invited to partake in that celebration.  It is traditional to give a gift to the bride and groom as part of that celebration.

    Those three statements stand true for a first through fifth wedding. 

    I hate divorce.  I hate that it is an option.  I hate that I’m divorced.  Believe me, I wouldn’t be divorced if it had been my choice.  But, unfortunately, it wasn’t my choice.  My ex husband walked out of a seven year marriage and two beautiful children, in exchange for a life of prostitutes, drugs and alcohol.  While I despise the man for what he has done to my dreams and my children, I would still be married to him today if he had not left, because I value wedding vows that much.

    All of that being said, I’m an encore bride.  I am in love with a good man who is in love with me and my children.  A man that I will vow before our friends and family to love and cherish for the rest of my life.  I hope that every person [like you] that cannot be there to unabashadly celebrate with us at our wedding stays home.  I deserve better friends and family than that.  My Fiance deserves better friends and family than that.  My kids deserve better friends and family than that.

    I am having a full blown wedding.  Our marriage deserves the celebration, despite my first failed marriage.  I could not care less if our guests bring us gifts, unless their reason for not bringing gifts is because it is my second wedding.  If that is their reason, I hope they stay home and fade from our lives.

    Post # 75
    Member
    9825 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2019

    @littlelucygoose:  people get married because they love each other, not just for gifts. maybe if you were getting married a second time you would just to get presents (since that seems to be your standing on what second marriages are all about), but most people wouldn’t

    Post # 76
    Member
    7899 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    I would give a gift, but if I had been really generous the first time and it would be hard to do so again, I might take that into consideration. I would no matter what give a card though. I would personally never go to a celebration like a wedding without at least giving a card to express my love and best wishes. What you choose to give and how much is up to you, and I think it’s reasonable to play by slightly different rules for the second time around.

    Post # 77
    Member
    803 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @littlelucygoose:  It’s not about gifts, but you are judging a wedding as being not as valid if it’s a second wedding, very clearly.

    And if that’s the case, I agree with PPs.  Don’t show up, you don’t really support it.

    Post # 78
    Member
    1920 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I would definitely still give a gift for a second wedding. I don’t think it’s any different than the first. Two people are getting married and are providing food/drink etc for their guests so the guests should bring gifts.

    And to the OP what if lets say you know the groom and it’s his second marriage but it is the bride’s first, why should she not get gifts and the same experience as anyone else on their wedding day.

    Post # 79
    Member
    3241 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @littlelucygoose:  I think what people are upset over is not the giving of a gift issue. I think what has people upset, is the implication that this couple doesn’t deserve the same respect as someone getting married for the first time. It doesn’t matter if it’s a first or an encore marriage, all should be viewed equally.

    My husband was married before, it is the first marriage for me and I’d have been very upset if anyone who attended our wedding had the same mind-set as you. Not giving a gift because you don’t have the money is an entirely different issue.  Neither my husband nor I expected gifts. We DID expect that everyone who attended the wedding to be supportive and happy for us.

    Post # 80
    Member
    13891 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OP, I think you should take note of exactly what

    View original reply
    Lulusmom: had to say in her post.  She hit the nail on the head. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    913 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @littlelucygoose:  “2nd+ weddings are not acceptable to me if I’m going to be hounded for not giving a gift..clearly, that’s what it IS all about.”

    That is not at all what it’s about. It’s about the fact that you are looking down on encore weddings, as evidenced by not just the fact that you would gift differently, but also your statements that you would have “a doubtful thought about the couple” and feel that they should just elope. It’s not about the gift at all. I guarantee you if you had started a thread and said, I don’t know, “I was invited to a friend’s wedding and I just want to wear jeans because it’s her second wedding,” you would get the exact same reaction.

    Post # 82
    Member
    3241 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    double post

     

    Post # 83
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    My partner and I are both previously married (once each). We are registering b/c my friend told us if we didn’t, she’d make sure to buy us a ton of blenders or something! She said some people will still want to bring a gift. Even though we have a house and all the things we really need, there’s things we’d like. Plus we know some people WILL want to give gifts. On our wedding website we explain that our guests presence is present enough 🙂 Honestly, having our friends with us is the best gift. A few of our friends are helping with wedding things, and I count that as a gift (for example, one is a graphic wiz and he is designing the labels for our home brew that will be wedding favors). 

    If I was headed to a friends second wedding, i’d still bring a gift. I’m not sure if I’d pluck soemthing off their registry or a gift card or what. I t hink it depends on the friend in question. For a good friend’s second wedding, she and her hubs were getting married several hundred miles from their home, and I know they have wishlists on Amazon, so I just did an Amazon gift card.

    Post # 84
    Member
    5976 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @MissCalifornia:  “Pretty sure devaluing someone’s marriage = disrespecting them.”

    THIS!

    @littlelucygoose:  I’m sorry, but I truly think that you’re being incredibly judgemental in your posts. I’ve only had one marriage and am still will my Darling Husband, but I take offense to your posts.

    Take @futuremrsmaista‘s example. Would you advise someone to stay in a marriage like her first or second? And if they divorced and found love again, would the next marriage not mean anything at all to you? Again…you have no idea what made a marriage fall apart. Someone could have been fearing for their life or been cheated on mulitple times. Sometimes, people just grow apart. In any of those situations, I find it best not to judge unless you’ve been in those shoes. I hope none of these things happen to you so that you don’t know what it feels like to be in those shoes…or to be judged by someone who feels the same way you do about marriage after divorce.   

    Post # 85
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Wow! Really! I am getting married for the second time. Silly me for getting divorced from an abusive man. I really hope you never ever have to go through a divorce or the loss of a husband. How dare you be so close minded and judgemental!

    What do I want from my guests? I want them to be happy and supportive. If you don’t agree with second marriages than why would you even go to the wedding. You should just decline as it goes against your beliefs. If it goes against your beliefs then you really can’t be supportive and quite frankly if the bride knew your feelings I am sure she wouldn’t you there.

    I was offended when I read your post I waited this long to respond because I did not want to post out of anger. I really can’t not believe the way some have made it sound like a second marriage is somehow less special. 

    Why am I getting married bc my daughters, 18& 14 want to be a part of it and because it is my right to have a wedding.

     

     

    Post # 85
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Wow! Really! I am getting married for the second time. Silly me for getting divorced from an abusive man. I really hope you never ever have to go through a divorce or the loss of a husband. How dare you be so close minded and judgemental!

    What do I want from my guests? I want them to be happy and supportive. If you don’t agree with second marriages than why would you even go to the wedding. You should just decline as it goes against your beliefs. If it goes against your beliefs then you really can’t be supportive and quite frankly if the bride knew your feelings I am sure she wouldn’t you there.

    I was offended when I read your post I waited this long to respond because I did not want to post out of anger. I really can’t not believe the way some have made it sound like a second marriage is somehow less special. 

    Why am I getting married bc my daughters, 18& 14 want to be a part of it and because it is my right to have a wedding.

     

     

    The topic ‘No gift to a 2nd wedding, would I be the only one?’ is closed to new replies.

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