Post # 86
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
@littlelucygoose: It’s my FI’s first wedding. Why should he and his family miss out on a full wedding because my ex-husband ended up being a butthead and Fiance and I were blessed enough to find each other.
This wedding is much more meaningful to me than the first one.
Post # 87
I’d never attend a wedding without bringing a gift. Its value would be based on what I can afford and how close I am to the couple. Whether you’re an encore bride doesn’t enter into the equation.
Post # 88
I would buy a gift off the registry – just like I woud have for the first marriage.
OP – you are clearly very very judgemental about encore weddings and some of your comments are simply rude. You seem to believe that just because someone has been divorced that their current relationship and love and wedding are less important.
This is the first wedding between these to individuals and it deserves just as much support as each of their first marriages.
And I’m pretty sure no one is hounding you for gifts. From what you’ve told us, the B&G haven’t asked you to bring anything. It is simply the right thing to do.
Post # 89
@littlelucygoose: To respond to your edit: I can understand an elaborate second wedding seeming like a gift grab, but also bear in mind the cost of your wedding now. It’s expensive to throw an elaborate wedding! In a lot of cases, parents pitch in for the first wedding or cover the whole thing, but don’t help with the second wedding.
It just doesn’t make economic sense to spend thousands on a wedding in the hopes of getting gifts; it’s cheaper to just buy the gifts yourself and elope!
Post # 90
I would definitely give a gift. I think it’s rude not to.
Post # 91
@Tanya5484: IF the reason your not buying a gift is because this is the couples second wedding, than that’s just RUDE! Wedding’s are not FREE. They are paying per plate for you to come and have a good time and you won’t get them a gift all because it’s their 2nd wedding? Come on, that’s ridiculous.
You shouldn’t be holding a wedding for the purpose of paying back the wedding costs…
Why do you equate (only) a gift with support for a wedding? Keep in mind that wedding’s aren’t cheap for guests either. In my life, I’ve only twice had the luxury of attending “in town” weddings, which were actually 1.5 to 2.5 hours away. This means most of the time I’m paying for flight, hotel, and gift. *Attending* a wedding shows support for the union. A gift, however, is just that – a gift, and not required in order to demonstrate support. (Now granted, I always try to not show up empty handed and even when I was poor in grad school and the groom gave me his frequent flier miles so I could afford to fly out for their last minute wedding, with my then-boyfriend gifting hotel miles even though he couldn’t/didn’t go himself, I still brought them a bottle of wine.) But a gift is not a ticket for entrance to the wedding!
Post # 92
@kay01: I think she was saying that if the only reason you’re not getting a gift is because it’s a second wedding, it’s rude, not that just plain not getting a gift is rude. I agree that “covering your plate” is not a necessary thing, but if you believe in covering your plate for a first wedding but not a second it’s a little rude.
ETA: Not rude necessarily, that’s not what I meant, but it shows that you don’t support the wedding as much because it’s a second wedding. It seems like a judgment call.
Post # 93
“I still brought them a bottle of wine.”
Because you supported their union, and attended with a happy heart. I’m sure the couple appreciated the work you went through to be there, and would have been happy to accept simply your effort as their gift.
This is not about gifts for the OP. This is about judgement, and no one needs that, or any judgement-marred gitft at their wedding.
I don’t care if it is just a card. If someone attends someone’s second wedding and does not treat it as politely (in whatever way that may be) as they would ANY other social engagement, then they obviously don’t need to go.
Post # 94
@HappierKate: Fair enough. I think a lot of it comes down to understanding why someone is gifting a present in the first place and then looking to see if it is still valid if you change factors (such as wealthy, 2nd marriage, etc.). Reasons people gift:
- To cover their plate, quid pro quo
- To help a (young) couple get started in life
- Because they love the couple and want to demonstrate that they are happy for them in a tangible way
- Because it’s socially expected of them and it’s awkward if they don’t
If you gift based on the first or third reason, then I don’t see that changing gifting for multiple marriages makes sense. If you gift for the second or fourth reason, it might. In terms of the second, they already have your gift from time one. They already got the “start.” (Yes, it may be worn out and need replacing depending on what you got, but hey! I got married later and bought all sorts of these things myself, it wasn’t given to me upon graduation from college. [ETA: People don’t gift for the birth of a second kid, usually only the first based on this logic.]) If you gift for the fourth reason, well…ok I’m not going to touch that one actually.
Post # 95
So, OP, just out of curiousity… why would you go to a wedding if you think that they are doing it for the money and shouldn’t have a traditional wedding if they already had one in the past?
It is your choice to say no.
Post # 96
@ohmybears48: I would not assume a couple is getting married for the gifts..that makes no sense at all. But I guess I would not come if I was expected to give a lavish gift in order to “cover my plate” instead of a card with a gift card or something. I would want to celebrate with the couple. It seems instead that guest=gift and that doesn’t feel right to me.
Post # 97
littlelucygoose- you’re not getting it- let me put it to you in more concrete terms:
IF guest = gift for 1st wedding, THEN guest = gift for 2nd wedding.
IF guest = no gift for 1st wedding, THEN guest = no gift for 2nd wedding.
IF guest = gift for 1st wedding BUT guest = no gift for 2nd wedding, THEN you = judgy and unwelcome.
Post # 98
@littlelucygoose: I think I disagree with any attitude of gift=guest, encore wedding or first time wedding. I don’t like registries that are stuffed with expensive items with no mid or low price items, because that does seem a little bit gift grabby.
But that’s an attitude that you can find applied to ANY wedding, and it gets applied to plenty of first-time weddings. You’ve probably encountered it before on these boards, the debate of “cover your plate.” “Cover your plate” is not my style, but some guests feel like they should. Any couple who expects their guests to cover their plates is not being classy, in my opinion.
Post # 99
I’d give a gift according to my financial situation at the time, how much money I had to spend to get to the wedding, etc. — in other words, I’d stick to my normal gift-giving guidelines. The fact that it’s a 2nd, 3rd, or 4th wedding wouldn’t factor into my gift decision.
Post # 100
After my ex husband walked out on our 10 year marriage, all of my friends and family were overjoyed that I had found love and happiness again. For our wedding, DH and I did not register (even though it was his first marriage). Everyone who attended our wedding was incredibly supportive and all were extrememly generous with their gifts.
I also wanted to say that I think it is fine to give something less traditional, if the guest chooses. A nice bottle of wine or a gift card to the restaurant the couple likes is fine. There should be no expectation to gift off a registry- regardless of whether its a first or second marraige. But to not bring anything just because it is a second marriage is rude.