(Closed) No gift to a 2nd wedding, would I be the only one?

posted 8 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: What gift do you bring for 2nd+ weddings?
    Nothing--best wishes only. : (26 votes)
    12 %
    Cash : (87 votes)
    39 %
    Registry / Tangible Item : (98 votes)
    44 %
    Other : (13 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 122
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Wow. I recently got married – it was my first wedding, and his second. I was somewhat hurt and shocked by a certain few people on his side that attended but didn’t give us a gift. Particularly his very well-off uncle. I know that his uncle and his wife are quite snooty to begin with, and consider themselves “elite”. His uncle’s wife in particular considers herself a “socialite”who knows all life’s social rules, etc (she apparently made negative comments about our invitations, because they were DIY and she considered them “tacky”, but we were trying to be practical and save our money for the actual wedding ceremony/reception – which ended up being a blast). It really bothered me that they did not give us a gift (not because we are gift mongers, but because this is his UNCLE for goodness sake, AND there isn’t a financial situation that would hinder them from even giving a gift). So I went online and researched why some people don’t give gifts, and I found an “etiquette” site that said for second marriages, you do not have to give a gift. I was floored by this! So I get penalized because my husband was married before?? It really made me wonder if that was the reason they didn’t give us a gift – because “miss socialite” was following the proper etiquette, and determined they would not get us a gift, because it was their nephew’s second marriage. Yet they were perfectly fine with their $160.00 (each) plate of filet mignon, their never-ending free alcohol, and the good time they had. Sorry, I’m just bitter over this – if that is indeed the reason they didn’t get us a gift, because “etiquette” dictates they didn’t need to because my husband was married before. I had no qualms about some of the cousins coming from out of town and didn’t give a gift, because I know they had travel expenses, etc. I didn’t expect them to get us anything. But for goodness sake, a very well off uncle (his own mother’s brother) couldn’t spring for a gift? It felt like a slap in the face.

    Post # 123
    Member
    5188 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I have a cousin who decided to have a destination wedding for her 3rd, AND expect a gift! We didn’t go, nor did we give anything. 

    Post # 124
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    This post made me really sad. Every marriage has equal worth and a bride should always get gifts! Why make them feel less than just because they are not the norm or don’t fulfill your weird expectation. Besides, many people that are having second marriages married very young and never got to experience all the wedding traditions and gifts in their youth. 

    Post # 125
    Member
    1176 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I actually requested no gifts, or donations to charity, for both my weddings. I don’t need stuff. Some people give cash anyway, which is fine, but not many. 

    In general I’m not a huge fan of our gift-obsessed culture. In too many cases people’s attitude isn’t gratitude, it’s entitlement. My family mostly abolished gift-giving at the holidays (except for kids) for the same reason.

    Post # 126
    Member
    503 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Hey, you NEVER know who got what in the divorce from the first marriage.  Or if they really pared down their possessions after the divorce, or if that stuff is so old and falling apart from use… they might really actually need china and towels! 

    Just buy a new couple a gift if you love them, and want to celebrate their union without judgment.  If you dont love them, that’s a different issue!

    Post # 127
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    @geekspice:  that seems pretty ironic and contradictory – you hate the gift giving obsessed culture, and your family banned gifts – except for kids. Why are the kids an exception? If you hate a culture so much and the belief that people should expect kids, then why not start with the kids? Kids grow up into adults who become part of this “gift giving obsessed culture”.

    Post # 128
    Member
    1176 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @hollywould: I think your logic is specious. Humans are just a wee bit more complex than that. As a counterexample, growing up in a family where only the kids receive gifts and the adults don’t seem too interested in them conveys the message that gifts are kid stuff. 

    Post # 129
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    @littlelucygoose:  Yes, always. I think it’s pretty rude to turn up at a wedding with no gift and say ‘but I already got you a gift! You know, the one I gave you at your first wedding?’. I give a gift because first, second, third, fourth, twenty seventh marriages are all equally as valid if the people people involved love each other and quite frankly their relationship is none of your business. It sounds like you’re lucky to be invited at all considering how indignant you seem about the whole thing. 

     

    If you are going to use your gift (or lack thereof) to express your disapproval at the couple finding happiness, might I suggest giving them a case of sour grapes? 

     

    Post # 130
    Member
    847 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2015

    @hollywould:  Did you just copy and paste your post about this? 

    Post # 131
    Member
    257 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @BridieBea:  Yes I just read that exact same thing not long ago in its own thread. Most of the replies were that gifts aren’t required. 

     

    Post # 132
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    @littlelucygoose:  I would give them something like a gift certificate to a hotel/retreat they could use together 🙂

    Post # 133
    Member
    1845 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Would you give a gift for a secnd baby shower that was hosted for one of your friends? I think it’s the same thing. Just because you gave a gift at the first baby shower, doesn’t make this baby any less worth celebrating.

    Post # 134
    Member
    2564 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @hollywould:  I’d be a bit bitter over that too.  That really sucks.  I am marrying for the first time to someone who has previously been married and we are going away, so I’m not expecting much in way of gifts, but I honestly hope people wouldn’t penalize me because this is one of our second marriages. 🙁

    Post # 135
    Member
    13 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Etiquette says that if you’re invited to a wedding, you’re obligated to give a gift, whether or not you attend. The exception to that is if it’s a person’s second wedding and you went to the first. Wedding gifts are supposed to be to help start a couple’s life together and if one or both were already married, they probably have most of those things.

     

    That being said, I’d probably still give something, but something smaller.

     

    @FortiesFlare:  You’re only supposed to have a baby shower for the first child, I thought.

     

    Post # 136
    Member
    9950 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Lol, Etiquette Snob here (comes with my career)

    Technically / traditionally what

    View original reply
    ohmyashleyy: has posted above (Reply # 134) is correct.  In so much as if someone went to your first Wedding, they aren’t obligated to give you anything for any subsequent Weddings.

    That said, most folks do disregard this rule… and often it is because at least one in the couple (if they are young) haven’t been married previously.

    PLUS the most recent belief / trend… that everyone can make a mistake in life… so they are granted one “oops” on the Wedding scene as well.

    Second Marriages for both… and usually it is the couple who subtlely lets their Guests know that NO GIFTS ARE EXPECTED (altho it is improper to print / publish that anywhere)… the easiest way is to just NOT REGISTER

    Second Weddings in general see fewer and smaller gifts given as a matter of taste anyhow… people generally don’t spend like they do for first marriages (usually so as to not cause embarassment to the couple)

    Third, Fourth and Weddings beyond and well the gifts become more rare…

    Honestly, a Wedding is never about the Gifts anyhow… bringing one / getting one is just a nice thing that happens.

    Hope this helps,

    PS… All that said, I don’t go to any celebration empty handed.

    Lol… here is an old Etiquette Joke that goes along with this situation.  The secret to getting gifts at your 2nd, 3rd, 4th and subsequent weddings is just to invite folks who didn’t go to any of the previous ones !!

     

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