(Closed) No gifts from bridal shower, but gave gifts to them…

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

People have up to 1- year post wedding to send gifts.  Trust me it didn’t get lost in the mail – they haven’t sent one (yet).  Don’t send a thank you since they didn’t attend. Nudging for gifts is super rude.  Just because you gave a gift doesn’t mean they have to. Yes, it would be nice but gifts are not required.

Post # 4
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I think you need to wait and give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume they are just disorganized and not malicious or selfish – I know in their shoes I would probably have your gift sitting on a shelf, kick myself every time I saw it and say, “I have got to send that off to her,” and then get distracted and forget to actually do it.

They may include your shower gift with the wedding gift when it comes around. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that happened.

Also, I wouldn’t send them a “thank you” since they didn’t attend and haven’t sent a gift yet. Just try to let it go. Sooner or later they will probably remember, and then it will be a pleasant surprise, but worrying about it now while you can’t do anything about it is worse than useless because it causes you anxiety you don’t need.

Post # 5
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Gifts aren’t required.

Thank those that came or gifted you.

Please do not nudge.

Post # 6
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Unfortuately, gifts are not mandatory, so you can’t really nudge.  Although it sucks, those are the rules.  Also, some people only think that gifts are necessary if you are attending the shower.  No attendance = no gift. 

In terms of the expensive gifts that you haven’t received yet, people might just be holding onto the gifts until the wedding.  They wanted to be ahead of game and choose gifts before the registry was picked over.  This happened to me.

Post # 7
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

They didn’t attend your shower so no need for a thank you note. It’s quite possible they are only planning to give a gift for the wedding and not one at the shower. Don’t send any nudges or reminders.

Post # 8
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t nudge – that would be extremely rude.  Don’t send a thank you card either (not sure why you would).  While it would be nice if the reciprocated, gifts are not tit for tat nor are they mandatory.  And who knows, with your wedding so close, they may just include the shower gift with the wedding gift or get you a bigger wedding gift.

Post # 9
9145 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If you’re invited to a shower you can choose to give a gift at the shower but you are not obligated to give another gift at the wedding.  I wouldn’t hold my breath for a gift from people who were invited but did not attend the shower.  Most likely they will give a gift at the wedding and that will be it.  But honestly, receiving a gift from somebody for your wedding does not obligate you to give them a gift for their wedding and vice versa.

Post # 10
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This was just a shower, not the wedding. They didn’t come, they don’t have to bring a gift or send you a gift.  Sending a Thank You card for a party they didn’t come to,  or a “nudge” for a gift would be outrageously rude and transparent.  Again, it was just the shower, and they didn’t even come… let it go.

Post # 11
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s not mandatory for them to give you a gift. But keep their actions in mind the next time you are invited to an event of theirs. You went out of your way to give gifts to them for bridal shower you didn’t attend and they didn’t return the favor. Take it as a lesson not to go out of your way for them again in the future.

Post # 12
3183 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would never give someone a shower gift if I didn’t attend the shower.  However, i usually spend a little less on the wedding gift if I bought a shower gift already, so it evens out anyway.  Please don’t nudge.  They are under no obligation to give you a gift, and it is not even likely at this point that they gave you something. 

Also there is no need to send a Thank You. Not sure what a thank you would say anyway?

Post # 13
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Gifts unfortunately aren’t required from them BUT thank you cards are. Have they sent you a thank you card yet? I would just remember this for other occasions they will want a gift, like a baby shower. I wouldn’t put much effort into future gifts for them as even though a gift isn’t required, it shows character to do the same for others whom have done the same for you. See of you get anything after the wedding, if not then remember this for future events.

Post # 14
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m in the camp that feels a shower gift is not necessary if you don’t attend the shower.

I don’t see them doing anything wrong!

…and, definitely no on a ‘thank you’ card.  What exactly did you want to say in the card?  My shower was great, wish you could have been there, did you send me a gift, because I haven’t received anything and was wondering if it was lost in the mail?…. 

Post # 15
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with the majority who say not to nudge. If they didn’t attend the shower and they didn’t give a gift, there’s nothing to thank them for. I try to go by the mantra of giving a gift unconditionally. I don’t like the tit for tat gift giving. I usually give someone something b/c I want to, not b/c I’m expecting them to give me something when my turn comes around…

Post # 16
45649 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It definitely woujld be “grabby” if you communicated in any way (at this time) with guests who did not attend your shower. What exactly would you be thanking them for, if they did not attend nor send a gift?

Perhaps they are the ones who bought those items off your registry and are planning to bring them to the wedding or have them delivered? They may have chosen to purchase a larger wedding gift in lieu of a shower and wedding gift.

Unfortunately, as my Dad used to say, “No one ever promised you that life would be fair.”

The less attractive part of my character would however, remember this when it came to any future gift exchanges with these women.

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