(Closed) No gifts, money only

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I don’t believe that there is a polite way to request money. Perhaps you could state that you cannot accept gifts due to your upcoming move.Most people will probably give you cash when you say that.

Post # 4
7900 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

The only polite way to handle this is through word of mouth. You should also not have a shower since showers are specifically for physical gifts. Make sure all your close friends and family on both sides are aware so they can spread the word. Most will get the idea since you won’t be registering.

Post # 6
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My friends did this through an indirect way that was still friendly.  They included a message saying “We don’t need anything, but if you would like to give a gift, our registry’s at ####### website”.  Wishpot was the site they used.  They gave different options of donations to nonprofits or a Honeymoon fund that linked to their PayPal account.  

Post # 7
7900 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@abirdword:  In some circles, such messages with the invtations are becoming acceptable, but in many other circles, especially with older or more traditional guests, any mention of gifts at all is considered a major faux paus. 

OP, you can put such a message on a website if you have one, but don’t put it on the front page. You should be as discreet as possible. You could also add a statement (on a website) saying that all physical gifts will be donated to a local charity. Website are considered less of a faux paus because the guest has to search it out. An inclusion in the invitation is forced upon them and is hard to ignore.

Post # 10
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

In Aus it is fairly normal to add a ‘wishing well’ card amongst the RSVP and invites. A friend wrote something like ‘blah blah baA we appreciate your well wishes if youd like I bring a gift there will be a wishing well for the honeymoon fund’ or something like that. Noone was offended, we were all happy to just do what was requested. No problemo

Post # 11
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

We’re in a similar situation as I’m in the U.S. and my fiance is in the UK.  We’ll have to be apart for some time even after the wedding while waiting for immigration paperwork, so it’s going to be a while before we can set up our house.  And when we finally can, we don’t want to move any more than we have to across an ocean. 

Besides asking people to spread that via word of mouth, we set up a registry at simpleregistry.com.  People “buy” items for you (you can put anything from any store online, or make up your own items like “down payment on our first house”, etc), but instead of the actual gift, you just get the funds, which you can then have transferred to your bank account and use for whatever you like, be it the actual gifts or something else.  It’s very practical and keeps you from having to ask people outright to just give you cash.

Post # 12
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Maybe tell them because of the move, you’d prefer visa gift cards to gifts that will be arduous to transport across the ocean. I’m sure they will understand that.

Post # 13
1693 posts
Bumble bee

I am going to assume here, that you will invite to your wedding only people whom you actually know and socialize with; and that they are for the most part competent and sensible adults who live in the twenty-first century. As people who know you, they will also know that you are moving to Britain, and will be able to figure out that moving your household goods will be an additional burden on you. Many will ask just how you are planning to manage that, and when they have asked you can explain that you want to acquire your goods after your move.

However, as denizens of the twenty-first century they will know that not only is international travel more common in our “global village”, but so is international trade especially since the advent of the internet. The forty-percent or so of us who do happen to know that a guest properly ships any wedding gift to the bride’s home either before the wedding, or up to a year afterward, will use those lovely international businesses to do just that, and solve your problem for you. Surely you would not want to discourage us from doing what is proper and providing you with heartfelt mementos meant to last throughout your marriage, would you?

So your problem is not so much how to instruct guests to stick to cold cash, as it is how to persuade the other sixty percent not to put you under a burden you cannot afford. You cannot with propriety mention gifts anywhere on your invitation; and it seems quite presumptuous to initiate the conversation yourself verbally, either. What you can do, though — and in fact what traditional propriety requires — is to provide your “At Home” information with your invitation. That is simply a fancy change-of-address card letting your guests know what your address will be once you are finally “at home” in your new home. Then, begin choosing your housewares and china from British shops. Your astute post-modern guests can shop online at Harrod’s or Debenhams’ or Marks&Sparks and have the gifts delivered directly to your UK address. If you don’t have a UK address yet and have no friends or inlaws in the UK who can hold your deliveries for you, then you arrange through a mail-holding service like http://www.mailing-address.biz to hold your deliveries until you are able to pick them up.

Post # 14
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with a few other posters to put it on your website and have it spread through word of mouth. If you must include it on your invites I would phrase is whatever way you intended to word it on a website or tell others when you do word of mouth. No matter how you say will some may be offended and some will think it’s just practical (unless u say it rudely). But honestly money is practical and I’m sure people know its more trouble to give a physical gift too. Perhaps something like “monetary gifts welcomed”. 

Post # 15
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I was in a similar boat. My husband and I live in a tiny apartment in Paris, and after years of Christmas with his family, we really had all the household ware that not only we needed for two people, but that we could fit. It doesn’t make sense getting any more stuff until we buy a house, which will either be outside of Paris in the country, or could even be in the US. 

I didn’t mention anything on the invitation, and I left off a registery on the website. Eventually people would get the hint at this point, or by word of mouth we would tell them we preferred contributions to a honeymoon fund (taking the cruise in December). The leftover money will go towards a house fund. 

About 95% of people gave cash. There were a few people who didn’t like the concept of giving money, so we got 3 or 4 items which we were gracious for, and I’m glad I didn’t outright state that items were not welcome. Don’t make a big deal out of it, and people will understand and give what they feel is appropriate. 

Post # 16
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

As always WBee’s resident “Etiquette Expert” aspasia475: has given excellent advice that has all the bases covered.

As an Etiquette Snob myself, I implore you

Please… DO NOT do as bunnybunny:  has suggested and include the phrase “monetary gifts welcomed” on your Invites.

This is by far INAPPROPRIATE… indeed RUDE (dare we say TACKY)

Many times on WBee you will hear the term, Gift Greedy… putting info about Monetary Gifts on one’s Invites, goes one step beyond that, makes the Bride look like a Money Hungry Gold-Digger.

Truly, it isn’t that difficult to get the word out via Friends & Family, or on your Wedding Website… but Invites are not the place to put ANY reference to gifts whatsoever !!


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