(Closed) NO GRANDMA!!!YOU CANNOT BRING A GUEST!!!(5 DAYS BEFORE WEDDING)

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 76
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I feel you sweetie! My MOH’s mom asked if she could invite her cousin last minute. She did offer to pay for her meal, and whatever the cost was. Also, DH’s mom invited an extra person as well. I had never met either of these people prior to the wedding. It worked out fine because 7 people did not show up last minute who had RSVP’d. I had about 45 guests, though so I did not speak much with the newbies, and my MOH’s family a.k.a my second family is very nice, so I was not worried! 

In your situation, I would have to also shut Grandma down. I would have respectfully declined. You would end up sitting next to a TOTAL stranger and it could be reaaly awkward. Judging by Gma’s behavior and the weird gift, you might not even like her friend… Please, ignore her and do not allow that guest at the wedding. Make sure the venue removes the seat next to yu, so there is no place for that person to sit if she decides to randomly bring them anyway. This whole thing is so ridiculous! She could stay the night or carpool, but refuses. This is not her wedding, she does not get to make the rules! 

Have a wonderful wedding!!! I look forward to your recaps! The drama will be forgotten right after you walk down the aisle dear!!! Congrats!

Post # 77
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

One more thing… I think that it is funny that so many people expect you to allow this woman to disrespect you just because she is older. She should know better! She sounds rude and does not even call you by your actual name?! WTF?! She does not treat you like her Grandchild at all! Why should she get to do what she wants? Because she is older than you? Because she is FH’s Gma? He does not even agree with her or what she is doing based on your updates. Also, you planned the wedding 50/50 and I am guessing that is how you are going to go through life together, right?! So, why should you change that now? So, what is next, she brings a random friend or 4 to every future event that you have? NO! Some of these people are the same etiquette police who would say that what she is doing is rude. But she is “family” so the etiquette rules go out, the window? How HYPOCRITICAL! That really irks me! Family should treat you with the utmost respect and not try to get over, but here is another perfect example of that! Have the wedding that you PLANNED, dear! I just can’t with people sometimes…

Post # 78
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

bebelicious1:  Very hyprocritical. Weird because ive seen many posts where posters throw the age of a rude or irrational mother/grandmother out the window. They suddenly forget about the “matriarch” of the family. Interesting…

Post # 79
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

bebelicious1:  Grandma is definitely being rude and difficult, and we can “should” her until we’re blue in the face, but what will this accomplish, and at what price? She’s not a child, it’s nobody’s job to teach her a lesson. We can’t pretend to know OP’s family dynamics, so if she doesn’t anticipate fallout from denying grandma, that’s fine. In many families, however, there will be consequences. 

After 6 pages I just have to wonder whether all this grief is worth it. There were things that seemed so important to me during wedding planning that were just plain not worth the trouble. At some point there is a diminishing return on “sticking to your guns”.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  .
Post # 80
Member
11574 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

OP, you’ve mentioned grandma going to the casinos several times, and you’ve made it clear that you harbor a grudge because she calls you by a form of your name you don’t like. This isn’t anywhere near abusive, so there’s no excuse to not cut her some slack. 

Grandmas are not perfect. They can be a PIA. You are still supposed to honor them, INCLUDING your FIs grandmother. 

you have no idea what she is going through, so for you to dismiss her stated issue is obtuse and convenient. I get it. You don’t want to do this for her. You’re not going to do it. All you are looking for here is agreement that you shouldn’t have to. I wonder why you need that here if your Fiance is on board with your treatment of his grandma.

if I found out my partner was treating my grandma like this, I would know he didn’t value family like I do or didn’t see my grandma as important and it would be a cold day in hell before I married him. This is why several of us have tried to warn you,but it is clear you wanted exoneration not feedback. Good luck with that. 

Post # 81
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Last minute requests like this are not cool, and you have a right to stand your ground. I would like to say that if “the count” that you gave the facility is a concern, you probably do not need to worry about that. They would charge you, but they most likely have food for a few extra people. And they may not charge you because, sadly, you may end up with no-shows (guests who RSVP’d that they were coming and then just don’t show.) These things tend to even out. I was glad I squeezed in a couple of last minute people because I had a whole family (couple and three kids) who did not show.

Post # 82
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m glad I do not have a rude and disrespectful grandma like the one referred to here cos I would never take that nonsense from anybody irrespective of their age. Being elderly doesn’t give anybody the right to step on other people’s toes like this. She is not old, she is in her 50s, she gambles upto the early hours of the morning, she always tries to bring guests to people’s fucntions last minute, she refuses to sleep at the available accommodation, she refuses to drive back with family members, what the hell does she want?

She wants to be treated like a queeen just because she is grandma? I mean even her grandson who knows her even better refuses to take this crab. That should say a lot about her.

Even if it meant going to hell I’d rather go to hell than to heaven that has this grandma in it. She is so rude and disrespectful. By the way respect is earned. it doesn’t come automatically or by age. So she will never have my respect if she acts like she is doing even if she can have a World Record for the oldest person on earth.

I CAN’T BELIEVE HER RUDENESS!!

I would forget abour her and enjoy my wedding, even if it means her not coming at all!! All in all what’s needed is the marrying couple, valid officiant and 2 witnesses. At least that’s how it is in my country and that’s the rule I’ve been going by when I come accross my own rude family members!!!

Post # 83
Member
4037 posts
Honey bee

MOB here. My daughter received 2 nasty e-mails from my Mother-In-Law, demanding she invite some estranged relatives, because the Mother-In-Law insisted that “weddings are about family.” Well, DNA does not equate an invitation. We only hosted 95 guest and could have easily gone with 1 less table, due to venue size. Those relatives didn’t even bother to RSVP to my other daughter’s wedding last year, so why would they care?

Then she had the nerve to e-mail me, a few days after the wedding and say she didn’t seek me out to speak to me, because she thought that I and the FOB (disabled) would make the rounds to talk to people at their tables. (Something I’ve only seen the bride and groom do). As hosts, we greated people as they arrived – I don’t know how she avoided us? I’ve only talked to her once, in 7 years – the last time over 4 years ago. She didn’t talk to me at my daughter’s wedding last year.

Some people can be ridiculously demanding, and it only increases with age.  Isn’t that what’s called a narcissistic sense of entitlement?

Post # 84
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Royal Park Hotel

 

PABride:  Wow – everything is really about her and her alone, eh?  How frustrating!

Post # 85
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think at this point you don’t want to give in because you have too much pride to back down. You already stated so firmly that it’s a “NO” and giving so many excuses on grandma’s behavior not to accommodate her. 

You said that you and FH are a team and decided together. But you also mentioned that he wants to just give his grandma the plus one and you still refuse. How is that being a team? Sounds like he’s on your team and it’s only fair if it’s your decision and you have the final say. And the fact that you keep correcting people that it’s NOT your grandma and it’s YOUR guest spot that’s open, doesn’t sound like a “team” and you’re becoming one family. You’re still trying to separate his and hers when you guys should become one unit. 

I think she should be able to invite her friend solely on the fact that your FH in the end said it was OK. But you still want to hold on to “It’s MY seat!” Sounds just as childish as grandma. 

Post # 87
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

 

CG4268:  That is awful! But good for you for just going with the flow. Now show us the pics!

Post # 88
Member
338 posts
Helper bee

Grrr this would make me angry. I wouldn’t have invited her. When you go with the flow and let rude people be rude, they ruin things. I’m glad it didn’t affect you personally on your day but I bet that stranger certainly made your wedding worse for some of your other guests. I’m sorry! 

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