(Closed) No Guest Gifts because…

posted 7 years ago in Reception
Post # 3
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Are you talking about “In lieu of favors, a donation has been made in your name to XYZ charity in honor of such and such person?”

I have to say, I’m on the fence with this whole thing. I think it’s fine if you put a sign on your guest book table or something in your program that says “In remembrance of (name), we have made a donation to (blank),” but I have a hard time with the whole, “we donated to a charty instead of buying you a bag of Hershey kisses to take home!” I feel like charitable donations are very personal to most people, and honestly, I don’t like the idea of someone donating to a charity on my behalf. It has nothing to do with wanting the favor, I could care less about those and haven’t seen one at a wedding in five years- but I have to say, it weirds me out when it’s done “in lieu of a favor.”

I think if you want to do it as act of remembering those who can’t join you on your special day, that’s fine, but just skip the favors and don’t even mention them. NO ONE wil miss them.

Post # 4
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Oh Ya:  I’m doing the same thing at my wedding – were donating to our local RSPCA as my partner and i are very much animal people lol and would very much encourage your idea. I havent yet and dont think i ever will meet someone that doesnt like the idea of giving to charity on their behalf. No offense to the above response but i find it highly shallow that people would rather a hershey kiss bag then knowing money has been given to a charity.

And it is also a great way for you and your partner to rememeber your parensta nd let everyone at the wedding know this too 🙂 you should google the wording, im sure other brides are just as giving as you and have done something similar.

 

Great idea 🙂

Post # 5
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@futuremrslennon:  I don’t know why you think the PP would rather a bag of hershey kisses than a donation, since she specifically said “It has nothing to do with wanting the favor, I could care less about those”. And, frankly, I’ve met a lot of people who disagree with donating on their behalf. 

Sorry, but I agree with @Miss Root. I think it’s really sweet for you to make a donation to a cause you care about, and I could care less if I receive a favor, but I personally don’t like donations in lieu of favors. Donations are a very personal thing, and I would rather someone just donate on their own behalf in privacy than say it’s a “favor” to me. 1. It seems self serving and 2. I am very careful about selecting the charities I choose to give to, and I don’t like other people making those decisions for me.

Just skip the favor if you don’t want to spend money on Hershey’s kisses.

Post # 6
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It’s fine to announce that you’ve given a donation and it’s fine not to give a favor BUT I don’t think it’s ok to announce that you’ve given a donation instead of a favor. 

If you’re really passionate about this organization, why not ask for donations instead of presents? If you don’t like that idea, your guests will probably feel the same way. 

Post # 7
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

Charity is a very personal issue, and no matter what charity you choose someone at your party will not support them.

I don’t think your wedding is the place to push one’s beliefs about what charities should be supported.  It’s also not really much of a gift to the guest since you are the one that will get the potential tax write off, and the good feelings that go along with making a donation to an organization that you feel really deserves it.

It is also a little self congratulatory for me.  I’m also not sure if there is ever a polite way to tell someone “I thought about giving you a gift, but used the money for something else instead”

 

Post # 8
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

i would just do it, and skip the favors all together, no mention.

Post # 9
Member
8483 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

Honestly, I dont see the point of favors. You’re spending all this money on the wedding, not the guests. All they have to spend is however much money they use on gas. Why do they also have to get a gift for it?

Post # 10
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@andielovesj:  agree

Yeah I’m kind of on board with don’t give me a favor but also don’t state in lieu of favors we made a donation. Just make the donation or put a sign somewhere in memory of your parents a donation was made (not instead of favors, just skip favors altogether).

Post # 11
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I have to say – some of the comments about not wanting donations “in their honor” are just super weird. Yes, I guess the donation is in honor of your presence but it just has nothing to do with you as its your presence at THEIR MARRIAGE! And your presence at THEIR RECEPTION! Additionally, I guess if you are hardcore pro life and the person made a donation to a pro choice organization, I could see how you might think – oh, i would never give to that organization, but really? THE DONATION IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Trust me – the couple was definitely not thinking of you specifically when they gave it.  

We’re having multiple favors, but we’re also giving to a cancer organization (in honor of our guests’ presence at OUR marriage) as well as an animal organization. I guess if you have a huge problem with me giving to a cancer and animal organization in honor of your presence at MY WEDDING (again, can’t reiterate enough – its our wedding, we are donating to a place that is important to us) then please don’t come!! Its probably going to end up costing 300-350 per person and I would LOVE to not spend it on you if you are so offended by our charitable donation. Ick.

To the OP – our stationers created letterpress favor cards for us for no charge since we were donating to a charity as a favor and a card will be placed at each place setting so our guests will know about the donation. Its one of the details that Im so excited about.

Edit: to whoever said, “I dont like people making those decisions for me” – you make it sound like the bride and groom is forcing you to donate to their organization of choice. Youre not donating anything! In fact, you’re spending the couple’s money by attending their wedding and not actually donating anything yourself. If anyone ever said anything like that to me, I would tell them to please stay home and I’ll use the $350 I wouldve spent on them towards the donation.

Post # 12
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@RhubarbPie:  I’m really sorry you’re offended by my comment. As favors are generally viewed as “thank yous” to your guests (aka something you do with your guests in mind), I don’t really see how my comment was offensive. FWIW, I think it’s a great idea to make a donation in honor of your marriage, I just don’t like donations as favors to guests. I also don’t think favors are necessary, so if a B&G at a wedding I’m attending feels strongly about something, I’m happy for them to just skip favors altogether and donate to their charity of choice.

Post # 13
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@les105:  So if a bride and groom makes a donation IN LIEU of favors, they are not giving you a gift, and instead, using the money they would have spent on your gift, and giving it to the charity of their choice. Therefore, the donation is not a favor to you. They chose NOT to give you a physical favor. Are you really just talking about the wording (i.e. “in lieu of favors, we’ve donated…” vs ” we’ve donated”)? If so – I totally dont get that. However they word it, they havent given you a physical gift and instead have donated to a charity in honor of their marriage. It has nothing to do with you (or anybody besides the bride and groom).

Edit: As Im thinking about it more, perhaps its cultural. In the “culture” I was raised in, its common and almost expected for us to give a charitable donation at most major life milestones. I gave part of my bat mitzvah money to a charity of my choice (and announced my decision at the ceremony in my speech, and people expected the announcement). Same for weddings. I’m sure in other communities, cultures, social circles, etc charitable giving is less common. To each his own. 

Post # 14
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@RhubarbPie:  Agree to disagree. Most people here when they are saying “in lieu of (physical) gifts we are giving to charity” mean that the favor, or thank you gift to the guest is the donation, and that is what I am commenting on. I don’t like the idea of someone donating “in my name”, and I think that’s mostly the feeling that people get when they see “in lieu of gifts”. They read “in place of a physical gift, I’m making a donation in your honor” rather than “in place of giving gifts, I am going to use the money for the charity of my choosing”. Yes, it’s an issue of semantics, but most etiquette is. 

As for the OPs question, I think writing “We have made a donation to XYZ in honor of our marriage (and possibly include mention of the deceased parents)” on the program would be an excellent solution. No need to mention favors, since this really has nothing to do with them 🙂

Post # 15
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RhubarbPie:  This may be true. Traditionally for a Jewish wedding, the bride and groom make a donation to charity (sort of an expanding the joy of your day to the less fortunate thing), so I’ve never really understood the backlash to announcing where you’re making a donation.  I don’t think it’s self-congratulatory at all.

That said, I can see how it can be awkward and uncomfortable to get a note saying “a donation has been made in your name to XXX” if you really don’t support that charity.  I’d be fine seeing something like “in honor of their marriage, the bride and groom have decided to make a donation to XXX”…

I think this is one of those things though that people get really worked up about when we’re sitting thinking about it at the computer, but almost no one really gets steamed about at an actual wedding. Like, we all know the bride and groom are not trying to offend anyone by giving to charity, and the issues with wording are in the grand scheme of things not a big deal.

Post # 16
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Well, again – most of the folks in our social circle are fans of charitable giving, in whatever form it may take (and as I said, I am sure that there are communities where charitable giving is not very common…thus a charitable gift would not seem appropriate). But if someone loves cancer and is in support of throwing animals out on the street, thus offended by our donation, they can feel free to not attend (although, anyone who is offended by defense of animals and cancer research will not have been invited anyways…we dont know anyone with those values).

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