(Closed) No in-laws at the wedding??

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@eecuadrado:  I think you should encourage your Fiance to reconsider for several reasons.

1.  Not inviting them is an insult that’s not easy to come back from.  Unless his Dad has been abusive to him, one argument or just a difficult relationship is not sufficient reason to hurt and embarrass them or strain the relationship further.

2.  Making an even bigger rift between them is going to hurt other people.  Its goingg to make maintaining a relationship with his younger siblings more difficult.  DO NOT invite his younger siblings through someone else  That is hugely inappropriate and the parents are unlikely to allow them to come.  While his siblings are minor children living under their parents roof, your Fiance will have to go through the parents on some level in order to have a relationship with them.  They could decide to make it difficult or impossible for your Fiance to be in contact with his minor siblings.  Your Fiance has to choose to either invite all of them or none.  They are a package deal.  

3.  Sometimes, you need to be the bigger person.  You and your Fiance might be 100% right (although I doubt it – most arguments have some valid points on both sides) and the step-mom and his Dad wrong, but that shouldn’t prevent you from extending the olive branch.  If the two of you can approach them and either work it out amicably or merely agree to disagree, it might be worth the effort.  

4.  His Dad won’t live forever.  If your Fiance loves his father, even if his father is difficult, he should make the effort to have as good a relationship with him as he can.  I’m not saying he should surrender or put up with a toxic relationship, but if he can find a way to make it work, he should.  Sometimes, a lot of times, we have to accept parents for who they are even when who they are dissapoints or aggravates us.  

Good luck.

Post # 6
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@eecuadrado:  Aw, that sucks that he’s tried to reach out to his Dad and his Dad has ignored him.  Shame on his Dad for that.  Its childish.  

Nevertheless, I say invite them.  If nothing else, your Fiance can rest easy he’s done everything he can to mend the rift.  Another benefit is that when you are the bigger person and you try, you deny the other person ammunition or justification for nursing the grudge.  Even if your FI’s Dad thinks your Fiance did or said something awful, he’s tried to make amends and that counts.  Your Fiance can tell his siblings truthfully that he tried.  

Unless your FI’s Dad was upset about an out of wedlock pregnancy, I can’t imagine why he hasn’t said anything. Do they not approve of you or the marriage?  

Its possible he’s just a selfish and/or diffficult person.  Some people are.  Its tough when those people are your parents.  But, as I said, sometimes you have to accept people for who they are and be realistic about their faults.  When you stop expecting them to be someone they’re not, you also don’t give them the power to keep hurting or dissapointing you.  

Again, best of luck.  

Post # 7
1643 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@eecuadrado:  wow! Ok, obviously you need too support his decision, but can’t he change his mind? This all sounds so complicated! 

I’d suggest if he won’t let them come – then he needs to take on the fight, not you. Especially not while you’re pregnant

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