Post # 1
I am posting with a new name today for privacy…
I have never had an interest in sex and I am a virgin. I’ve had three significant relationships (4 years, 1 year, and now 2years)-none of which involved sex. It caused some trouble in the first relationship because although he was abstinent until marriage, he was looking forward to a sex life and I was indifferent. We eventually broke up in part because he felt like my lack of interest in sex would be a problem in marriage. It was a very hard break up for both of us and in years after we tried to be friends but he eventually cut that off because he said that “we were meant to be together” and he couldn’t deal with pretending otherwise in friendship. It was very painful.
The second relationship I was less forthcoming about my true feelings about sex and Im sure he assumed if we got married a sex life would be good (he was also abstinent). I ended the relationship because I just didn’t love him as one should.
I am now very much in love with my fiance and have been the most physicaly intimate with him though again, no sex until marriage. He is very eager and I just still have no interest (though Im not telling him that). I don’t know why, I just can’t psych myself up for it. I don’t have those desires or feelings. I love intimacy, hugging, kissing, being close, but the rest has never interested me. I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience. Did it change for you once married? Im in my mid 30s and I would think I’d have some sort of drive by now, it just isn’t happening. I have talked to my doctor and there is nothing clinical going on. Thanks in advance.
Post # 3
You don’t say but are you on BC? That really can kill your drive. Have you ever had a good sexual experience? (as in an orgasm)? Were you raised in a way that told you sex was bad?
Either way, I think you need to be honest with your husband about this. If you are honest, the two of you might be able to figure out what works for your marriage. Maybe you should consider a couple’s counselor.
Post # 4
I have been in relationships like that where the guy was really not up to my level as far as sex drive and it caused a lot of problems. It was a huge reason we broke up, so I completely understand why sex is a huge part of a relationship. Since you have talked with your dr about this and he doesn’t think it is anything medical, this is clearly something mental or emotional going on. I honestly encourage you to seek counseling about this. Sex is a big deal in any relationship whether you think so or not. Clearly it is important to your SO, and if you love him then you will do your best to make him happy. I would definitely try and look into the underlying issue here. Best of luck to you!!
Post # 5
You dont have to answer me but if there has been sexual /physical/mental abuse this may be the factor. If this has happened in your past seek professional medical help.
Post # 6
Thank you all for your prompt responses. I have edited my first post to be a bit more clear, I have actually not had sex. I should also mention that I did go to counseling while seeing the first partner. She tried to find something in the past that may be the cause but we didn’t find much. She and I did end up working on some “abandonemnt” and “trust” issues she thought I had, which was helpful in general for being a better partner but not so much with the sex desires.
What is reall strange is that I do like intimacy and feel very good and eager as long as um, below the belt is not involved. When my partner rubs my back for instance, or kisses my neck. I am very happy. I love sleeping and cuddling with him. However if he gets um “aroused” and I can feel that, I pull away. I don’t like that at all and it makes me anxious. He has noticed, and we’ve talked about it in vague terms and I just try to joke about it.
Post # 7
you mentioned that you haven’t had sex in your significant relationships–i’m wondering if maybe you aren’t interested because either you haven’t had sex or because you haven’t in a loving relationship before? i feel like maybe once you do, after you’re married, you might be more interested? this may be tmi, but there are certain things in bed that i used to have absolutely no interest in, but once i did them, i began to love them and sharing the experience with my hubby. maybe that’s what’s going on?
Post # 8
I really dont have any ideas then. To be honest my first couple thoughts are:
1. maybe you are afraid to have sex now and have mentally talked yourself out of accepting that part of the intimacy.
2. Is is possible you are gay and have suppressed your feelings based on religion or other beliefs?
3. hormone levels? (but I know you said the MD checked)
whatever the cause I hope you do find and fix the issue. And I hope you and the Fiance have a great relationship together.
Post # 9
What were you taught about sex while growing up? Did you learn that sex was “dirty” or shameful?
Have you ever seen a man naked? Does the idea turn you off? Are you afraid of being naked yourself?
I believe that you can slowly acclimate yourself to sexual intimacy if you’re both determined to, and that you’ll feel desire for it as you start to open yourself up to pleasure from it. Until then, you don’t really know what you’re missing, so you don’t miss it.
Post # 10
One thing that popped into my mind (and this could be totally out in left field), but are you ever wanting to have children? Or are you afraid of becoming pregnant? Do you think intercourse will hurt? Those were a few things that popped into my mind. I have a friend who is very devout in her faith and waited to have sex until marriage (as did her husband). She was terrified of the wedding night. She is not one to talk about those things, but it seems like she and her husband are happy, so I’m assuming everything is okay.
Post # 11
Personally speaking, once I started having sex on a regular basis my sex drive definitely went up, but it took awhile for me to get into the mood for it. If I don’t have sex for a month or so, I stop wanting it. I’ve always been that way.
So for me, I have to make it a point to have sex to keep my sex drive up, because if I stop having it for awhile I couldn’t care less if I’m having it or not. I just don’t get the urge on my own.
Post # 12
Thank you for the addtional thoughts. To answer a few questions, I was raised in a Christian household with no sex before marraige as a value, but a “have safe sex if you do” reality. My parents were both health care providers and pretty honest about sexual health in addition to their values about sex within marriage. I decided for myself early on that I wanted to wait for the “right” person, and that would hopefully be the person I married.
I do have fear of pain from intercourse. I am not going to have babies, we have already agreed to adopt. We were both adopted.
Post # 13
If you’ve really never wanted to have sex and don’t experience significant sexual desire, you might be interested in knowing that there are people who identify as asexual. There’s an active online community at http://www.asexuality.org. You could poke around and see if the experiences that people describe there resonate with you.
Obviously, this is a big thing to work out before marriage. Most people expect not only that their partner will agree to have sex with them, but that he or she will actively want to. If you can’t see yourself actively wanting sex with your fiance, he definitely needs to know that ASAP. Not that you immediately need to break up, but you need to be coming up with strategies together. Maybe once you become sexually active, you will find that you enjoy and desire it more than you expected. Maybe not. It’s not something you want to be unsure about going into marriage, though.
Post # 14
don’t knock it till you’ve tried it! you just need a really good “O” lol you’ll come around. just do the deed (it’s gonna suck the first few times, just prepare yourself for that) but once you experience the closeness and bond from sex, i think you might change your mind.
sex is very important in a relationshiop, especially to men. get it worked out, go to counselling if you have to.
also, do you masturbate ever? you might just be “A sexual” like someone else said. it’s common.
Post # 15
Since you haven’t had sex yet, of course you aren’t looking forward to it! At this point you’re apprehensive.
Once you have sex, you will (maybe slowly) come to like it–if your husband works with you on what feels best for you and for him. It’s a huge learning process.
That being said, many medications can kill your sex drive.
I have to say, I had no sex drive until after I lost my virginity.
Just like AKatyElle said “Personally speaking, once I started having sex on a regular basis my sex drive definitely went up, but it took awhile for me to get into the mood for it. If I don’t have sex for a month or so, I stop wanting it. I’ve always been that way.”
I am this way, too.
Post # 16
I’m a mental health therapist & have taken some classes in human sexuality, but I am by no means a sex therapist. The first thing I would wonder is have you ever had an orgasm through masturbating? If you haven’t and you’re not comfortable with it, that may be the problem. There are some really amazing videos and books out there for women with your exact sexual concern, one of them is Becoming Orgasmic that is a book with a video by Dr. Julia Heiman and it has been highly recommended and I’ve seen the video in class. It’s “graphic” but purely educational and it really teaches how to become sexual because so often it is repressed in women just by being women in this society. Also, be prepared because it’s from the 90’s so the fashion is pretty… special. I would strongly suggest you share this issue with your fiancé because he can help you with it and for a lot of these things he will eventually have to help you. It’s important to have him there supporting you and being understanding of this, and it’s a pretty big secret to be keeping.