(Closed) No Interest in Sex

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You don’t say but are you on BC?  That really can kill your drive.  Have you ever had a good sexual experience? (as in an orgasm)?  Were you raised in a way that told you sex was bad?

Either way, I think you need to be honest with your husband about this.  If you are honest, the two of you might be able to figure out what works for your marriage.  Maybe you should consider a couple’s counselor.

Post # 4
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I have been in relationships like that where the guy was really not up to my level as far as sex drive and it caused a lot of problems. It was a huge reason we broke up, so I completely understand why sex is a huge part of a relationship. Since you have talked with your dr about this and he doesn’t think it is anything medical, this is clearly something mental or emotional going on. I honestly encourage you to seek counseling about this. Sex is a big deal in any relationship whether you think so or not. Clearly it is important to your SO, and if you love him then you will do your best to make him happy. I would definitely try and look into the underlying issue here. Best of luck to you!!

Post # 5
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You dont have to answer me but if there has been sexual /physical/mental abuse this may be the factor. If this has happened in your past seek professional medical help.

Post # 7
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

you mentioned that you haven’t had sex in your significant relationships–i’m wondering if maybe you aren’t interested because either you haven’t had sex or because you haven’t in a loving relationship before? i feel like maybe once you do, after you’re married, you might be more interested? this may be tmi, but there are certain things in bed that i used to have absolutely no interest in, but once i did them, i began to love them and sharing the experience with my hubby. maybe that’s what’s going on?

Post # 8
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I really dont have any ideas then. To be honest my first couple thoughts are:

1. maybe you are afraid to have sex now and have mentally talked yourself out of accepting that part of the intimacy.

 

2. Is is possible you are gay and have suppressed your feelings based on religion or other beliefs?

 

3. hormone levels? (but I know you said the MD checked)

 

whatever the cause I hope you do find and fix the issue. And I hope you and the Fiance have a great relationship together.

Post # 9
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What were you taught about sex while growing up? Did you learn that sex was “dirty” or shameful? 

Have you ever seen a man naked? Does the idea turn you off? Are you afraid of being naked yourself?

I believe that you can slowly acclimate yourself to sexual intimacy if you’re both determined to, and that you’ll feel desire for it as you start to open yourself up to pleasure from it. Until then, you don’t really know what you’re missing, so you don’t miss it. 

Post # 10
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  One thing that popped into my mind (and this could be totally out in left field), but are you ever wanting to have children? Or are you afraid of becoming pregnant? Do you think intercourse will hurt? Those were a few things that popped into my mind. I have a friend who is very devout in her faith and waited to have sex until marriage (as did her husband). She was terrified of the wedding night. She is not one to talk about those things, but it seems like she and her husband are happy, so I’m assuming everything is okay.

 

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Personally speaking, once I started having sex on a regular basis my sex drive definitely went up, but it took awhile for me to get into the mood for it. If I don’t have sex for a month or so, I stop wanting it. I’ve always been that way.

So for me, I have to make it a point to have sex to keep my sex drive up, because if I stop having it for awhile I couldn’t care less if I’m having it or not. I just don’t get the urge on my own.

Post # 13
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

If you’ve really never wanted to have sex and don’t experience significant sexual desire, you might be interested in knowing that there are people who identify as asexual.  There’s an active online community at http://www.asexuality.org.  You could poke around and see if the experiences that people describe there resonate with you.

Obviously, this is a big thing to work out before marriage.  Most people expect not only that their partner will agree to have sex with them, but that he or she will actively want to.  If you can’t see yourself actively wanting sex with your fiance, he definitely needs to know that ASAP.  Not that you immediately need to break up, but you need to be coming up with strategies together.  Maybe once you become sexually active, you will find that you enjoy and desire it more than you expected. Maybe not. It’s not something you want to be unsure about going into marriage, though.

Post # 14
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

don’t knock it till you’ve tried it!  you just need a really good “O” lol  you’ll come around.  just do the deed (it’s gonna suck the first few times, just prepare yourself for that) but once you experience the closeness and bond from sex, i think you might change your mind.

sex is very important in a relationshiop, especially to men.  get it worked out, go to counselling if you have to. 

also, do you masturbate ever? you might just be “A sexual” like someone else said.  it’s common.

Post # 15
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Since you haven’t had sex yet, of course you aren’t looking forward to it! At this point you’re apprehensive.

 

Once you have sex, you will (maybe slowly) come to like it–if your husband works with you on what feels best for you and for him. It’s a huge learning process.

 

That being said, many medications can kill your sex drive.

 

 

I have to say, I had no sex drive until after I lost my virginity.

Just like AKatyElle said “Personally speaking, once I started having sex on a regular basis my sex drive definitely went up, but it took awhile for me to get into the mood for it. If I don’t have sex for a month or so, I stop wanting it. I’ve always been that way.”

I am this way, too.

Post # 16
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

I’m a mental health therapist & have taken some classes in human sexuality, but I am by no means a sex therapist.  The first thing I would wonder is have you ever had an orgasm through masturbating?  If you haven’t and you’re not comfortable with it, that may be the problem.  There are some really amazing videos and books out there for women with your exact sexual concern, one of them is Becoming Orgasmic that is a book with a video by Dr. Julia Heiman and it has been highly recommended and I’ve seen the video in class.  It’s “graphic” but purely educational and it really teaches how to become sexual because so often it is repressed in women just by being women in this society.  Also, be prepared because it’s from the 90’s so the fashion is pretty… special.  I would strongly suggest you share this issue with your fiancé because he can help you with it and for a lot of these things he will eventually have to help you.  It’s important to have him there supporting you and being understanding of this, and it’s a pretty big secret to be keeping.

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