(Closed) No invite for little cousins=family drama

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@westcoastbabe:  I say have the wedding yout want. If you Aunt is always throwing temper tantrums, she will find something else to fight about.

Your friends have a relationship with you. Children tend to get bored with weddings.

I would call your aunt and let her know NOW that the wedding is adult only and see if could have find a babysitter because right now there is no money in the budget except for adults.

Post # 4
Member
817 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo

You don’t need to pay for childcare. It’s a nice gesture, if you have the budget for it, but you don’t have to. And there is nothing wrong with setting an age limit for guests. It’s a little tougher than setting rules for relationships (first cousins and closer, no +1s unless living together, etc etc) but you can do it. There’s no ettiquette that says you have to invite anyone. Since your aunt is going to pitch a fit though, it’s probably in your best interest to mitigate as much as possible for people with kids. Even if you don’t pay for a babysitter, you could offer to do some research and find quality sitters (sittercity.com, care.com, people your friends have used, etc). Maybe offer to put people in contact so they can share the cost of a couple of sitters instead of each family hiring their own. Maybe put together bags of games from the dollar store, offer to let people use one of the bridal party’s hotel rooms for kids for the evening, see if there is space at the venue where kids can hang out but you don’t have to pay for meals and stuff. Things like that, even just doing some of the legwork, to make stuff easier for parents. Mind you, you don’t HAVE to do any of these things, just might make the shit hit the fan a little bit less. But don’t let anyone make you feel bad. They can just choose to not come. Their choice, their loss.

For my wedding, we are not having kids. No exceptions. My mom has offered to provide babysitters for out of town guests, but she’s paying for that separately, not out of the wedding budget. It’s not something we have to do (and honestly I don’t even feel like finding babysitters and organizing that) but it will make it easier for the adults we do want to see to be there. She also has the ability to pay for that, not everyone does and should not be expected to.  

Post # 5
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@westcoastbabe:  OMG! I was EXACTLY where you are at.  Me and my other half got into a screaming match and a 2 day long fight over this topic and I almost said NO wedding AT ALL!….it was BAD. I was in tears with my girlfriends over it but when I sucked it up and put on my big girl panties. I asked for a poll from everyone. Most agreed that a wedding is an ADULT event and my maid of honor even commented that if you cant live without your kids for FOUR hours, you got bigger problems than not being able to show up to a wedding (she has 2 little ones under 8yrs old). To the guests who have a difficult time finding babysitters, I feel for ya and I understand, but I expect that you would put your kids before a party on your priority list and thats just part of being a parent. Some MOMS were telling me that its not my problem to worry about parents getting babysitters and that even they don’t wanna listen to their kids scream or keep em from tearing stuff up…. I know some righteous people!

I presented my points to my fiancee when we had calmed down and stated this:

We can’t afford to have a separate ‘party’ for the kids

The venue itself is not kid friendly/safe (its the ruins of an old mill…think rough hewn rock everywhere and imagine the running around….)

I don’t want to have to referee parents who cant/wont referee their kids

Its JUST 4hrs

Its NOT personal so please don’t make it that way

I will also be declining my own nephew who is very well behaved to be fair and I will be getting fire and brimstone for that….

My fiancee’s side of the guest list has WAY too many kids for me to even think about it. Itd be like planning a kids birthday party the size of MY guest list! NO FR**KIN WAY! I put my foot down on that one because much like you, I can’t afford that!….I’am having an under 100 guest list mostly because my fiancee would get out of control and invite the mailman and his mother but the venue precludes anything bigger….(you see I PLANNED this very carefully to be that way).

On the kids thing, my fiancee was indignant that I said no kids because a bunch of his women friends would be having babies that were just under a year old and he didnt want to ‘hurt their feelings’….his brother ALONE has 5 kids under 12!!! REALLY!? He’s a great guy and his kids were pretty well behaved at his sisters wedding but I told him he’s gotta get another hobby (luckily hes got a great sense of humor). His sis has a small 5 mos old baby and when we told her, she said herself that if it werent for her mother she wouldve said no kids so SHE got it…I was lucky that once I got my fiancee to just ASK people instead of assuming they would be upset and to see it objectively because it wasnt a one way street he informed his mother and asked her to inform the rest of their family. She did not try to countermand our decision and I’am SO lucky she is not a monster in law.

I’am also lucky to have good friends who respect me and my wishes but I’am not out of the woods yet. My sister is exactly as you describe your aunt….she is the baby of the family and the only one with a kid. This is the same sister who had to have a birthday party for her when our birthdays rolled around….yeah. I was informed by my father when my fiancee asked for my hand and we gave him the details that this would NOT go over well and that she is still in competition with me. I’am near terrified so I havent even told her about my engagement because with her, EVERYTHING is personal…. It really sucks when you have a tyrant who wins by sheer bullying and because ‘its just easier’ to give in. But guess what? I’am NO shrinking violet and I DO NOT deal with terrorists but I’am NOT looking forward to the fallout either. Whatever happens, me and my fiancee agreed that we would honor and defend each others decision, NO ONE is going to come between me and him and thats the end of it.

That all said, to be quite honest, she IS a great mother and she keeps that kid IN LINE. I just give him a look and he knows not to fuss with Aunty, I can take him with me to work and he helps me with almost no trouble or complaint. He’s 7 yrs old and behaves more like an adult than some employees I’ve had. He’s great, I love him to peices BUT if I say no to avoid the brats in the bunch, I HAVE to be fair and say no to all. It sucks like you would not beleive because I love my nephew more than anything else and I feel terrible but I just cant play favorites and I hope my sis understands….so wish me luck! I think everyone who is planning a wedding pretty much realizes that there is no real way to come out smelling like a rose, you WILL step on SOMEONES toes or offend this or that person even without meaning to but in a way its a lithmus test to who is there to be happy whatever the terms are or who is there to make it about them.

In closing, I just have to let off some steam….Yes, I know there are ‘bridezillas’ but the women who are TRULY that way were that way BEFORE the wedding. A wedding is stressful to plan so if a bride who is normally even keeled gets upset because the people who volunteered to be there, KNOWING WHATS INVOLVED are flaking out or just running roughshod over her, that label is straight up B.S!  I have NEVER EVER had the gall to start issuing my own edicts at another persons party, if I don’t like it, I don’t go but I don’t sit there and whine about it. I don’t feel offended if I choose not to go and I don’t burn bridges over it. As long as the person who is throwing the party doesnt try and bully ME into going I’am fine and I won’t be offended if people don’t come to my party. Its NOT personal and guests dont need to make it that way. There is NO other event in which guests feel more ENTITLED to demand, bully, manipulate, guilt trip and sh*t fit their way into getting what they want than at a wedding. Ill never understand WHY is it that people feel that it is their RIGHT to make their own rules??? ESPECIALLY if they arent paying for it?….REALLY?!? To all the GUESTZILLAS: Get real and get over it! ITS NOT YOUR DAY! The bride and groom can just as easily choose to by pass all the drama and just get married in court. Be thankful someone is inviting you at all!

Post # 6
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I am completely on board for an adult only wedding but just wanted to put out there because you mentioned the out of towners. Be prepared for them not to come, lots of parents ( me included) won’t leave their kids with non family members. I say have the wedding you want and just understand it means not everyone may be there.

Post # 7
Member
3963 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I was the “little cousin” when I was 12. 10+ years and 2 children later, the bride is still not looked on as favourably as one would like by our family. Nobody hates her, but she’s not exactly loved either. Some have even said they wouldn’t be surprised if they get divorced, not that they would wish it on them. We’re a really close family, and I can’t speak for yours, but I don’t think the flack is worth it.

Post # 8
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am having a Destination Wedding (Florida, so not out of country). We are having an adults only ceremony & reception. We are hiring a child care company BUT we only pay $150 to hire the company. The parents must then contact the company & hire their own sitter – $14/hr + additional $7/hr per child. This way, everyone is covered and we aren’t out a lot of money. We have been up front with all of our friends with children. They know if they come, they can either hire a sitter from the company OR find their own child care but their child is not to come to our wedding.
Personally, I don’t think its anyone elses issue of what YOU want at your wedding. Stick to your guns. To me, a little flack is worth not having some kids wreck havoc on your ceremony or reception.
It is NOT your issue to pay for child care at all. Of course, it’s a nice gesture but if you cant afford it, you can’t. That’s just how it is.
As long as you are up front about it, then I don’t think it’s anyones issue other than the parents.

Post # 9
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@ladyartichoke:  That’s really great you have such a close family and your opinion is really valid to bring forward about the flack part. I just think any family that would hold that against a bride 10 years later is really clutching at straws. Like OP said, it’s not personal, but some of us would like to have a “grown up” affair sometimes, and that is not something family who love you should hold against you. Adults should really try not to find reasons to fight, and I think this is something ppl will get over.

Post # 10
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you’re just going to have to suck it up and invite them sans kids, if that’s what you want to do. If there’s drama, I’d just stick to, “I’m so sorry we couldn’t include the little cousins, we had some really difficult decisions to make with the guest list.” And just stick to that. (Over and over if need be.) Whatever you do, don’t start justifying your decision to people because then they feel like it’s open to negotiation. “Oh, well we can just pay for their dinners,” or they’ll get offended — “Well, *my* precious babies never misbehave.”

Being that all the guests with children come from out of town, I think you also need to be prepared for them to decline if you put them in the situation of not being able to bring the kids. (And not do the “Invited out of town guests with kids to my No Kids wedding and they won’t come! SO HURT :(”  follow up post after you get your RSVPs. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@thebearshoney:  

That all said, to be quite honest, she IS a great mother and she keeps that kid IN LINE. I just give him a look and he knows not to fuss with Aunty, I can take him with me to work and he helps me with almost no trouble or complaint. He’s 7 yrs old and behaves more like an adult than some employees I’ve had. He’s great, I love him to peices BUT if I say no to avoid the brats in the bunch, I HAVE to be fair and say no to all. 

I don’t think so. I think that wanting to invite that individual (the seven year old) in no way obligates you to invite other individuals just because they’re the same age. (I don’t understand this thinking at all, any time I see it. Nobody ever says, “I want to invite my cousin, who is 30, but if I do, I’ll have to invite all the thirty year olds I know.”) And how is it “fair” that this kid can’t come to your wedding, even though you want him there and he probably wants to be there (if your relationship is that close), because some other parents haven’t taught their kids to behave? 

I think you should invite the people you want there, regardless of how old they are. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It’s your wedding. You don’t have to invite anyone. My fiancé has some younger cousins but we are doing a thing where no on under 18 is invited to the wedding. I’m sorry but it’s our day and we (mostly me lol) don’t want little kids running around spoiling the fun. His one aunt actually agreed with me and said to stand my ground no kids. So that’s what I’m doing. Personally, I was never invited to any of my aunts or uncles wedding when I was little. And my fiancé wasn’t invited to some of his cousins weddings when he was younger. So their parents are going to have tO do what our parents did and hire a babysitter. As simple as that. 

Post # 13
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@thebearshoney:  I think “Guestzillas” should be the new reality show! Seriously! Embarass them all for their terrible etiquette.

Post # 14
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ladyartichoke:  The same thing happened in my family!  My aunt had an “adult only” wedding about 15 years ago, and to this day she’s still known in my family as “that bitch who thought she was too good to invite her nieces and nephews to her wedding”.

Nobody hates her per say, but it’s literally been brought up at every single family gathering since.

Post # 15
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Elvis:  You know, I would like to beleive that I’am braver than that but I will have to pass go and not collect 200. Its not so much a way of thinking as a rationalization and NO youre 100% right its NOT fair, I’am painfully aware of that, but I just don’t have the cojones to stand up there with my nephew in tow or selectively admit the friends whos kids are well behaved and then extend that kind of mandate to my fiancees side based on my ideas of which kids are worthy to attend…you see my fiancee is very ‘cool, copasetic, let em be who theyre gonna be’ types cause he would invite even the worst little hellion.

I think Id catch MORE hell by making that type of decision than just sticking to my guns and saying no kids at all. I TOTALLY agree with your line of thinking though in not justifying my position, I’am telling YOU guys my reasons but I’am NOT explaining to guests why I don’t want kids running around at my wedding….thats just GIVING them ammunition AND pulling the trigger FOR them. I’am telling them that the VENUE doesnt allow kids and that the insurance wont allow for it. The owner has agreed to fib for us should anyone have the gall to ask and in truth she had suggested that it would be best if there were no kids on the property due to the safety concerns and issues. SO problem solved! I’m just saying it sucks that I wont have my nephew there or my MOH’s kids….Even our neighbor (my fiancees friends) have 2 angels so its not me against my fiancee or ‘my nephew is perfect’ thing. Some people are nuts about criticism towards their kids, Ive seen parents get WAY worse when theyre told their kids are out of control than they are offended if you don’t invite em at all…I dunno Elvis I’d have to strap on my JUMBO sized balls to pull off what you’re suggesting.

From a kids perspective, EVERY one of the weddings I was forced to go to as a child, SUCKED! I hated it….I won’t torture the kids. I think its more the parents that fuss over having the kids there. No one ever asks the kids….

 

Post # 16
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The issue I have with children at weddings is… children are unpredictable. There is NO way on God’s green earth a parent can guarantee their child won’t cry, disrupt, run around or anything else a bored child could do. An adult, even if they’re bored can at least contain themselves for a few hours at a wedding.

If I could do it over again I wouldn’t have kids at our wedding reception. We had three 3 year olds in our wedding party. One left right after the ceremony and the other 2 an hour or so into the reception. The kids causing problems were five 14-16 year olds. I won’t go into details but I had to scold one of them by the end of the night because he was throwing a football against the side of the building. C’mon, what parent lets their kid bring balls to a wedding. It took me several months being pissy to get over it.

What would you rather have… Being mad at yourself for agreeing to what other people want or them being mad at you. I’d rather have someone mad at me. If you’re going to start your married life off with being cornered to doing something you’d rather not, what’s next?

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